A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My father has been mad at me for years and will hardly even speak to me. He and mom were divorced when I was 7, my brother was 9, and my sister was 4. Mom is old school about certain things. When I was 10, I had stayed out past dark playing at a friend's house, past the time when I was supposed to be home. Mom walks down to get me and then spanks me when we get home for being late again. I am also grounded. I never figured I could get in trouble on a day when mom had taken us bowling, out to eat, and coached me on basketball defensive techniques. It was such a great day that I thought I had cover. When I told daddy about it, he said the grounding would be lifted and I would never be spanked again if I came to live with him. I stayed with mom. I was not happy with the situation, but was never mad at my mom over it. I did it. I was guilty. I just dealt with the red butt and being grounded for the week. But my dad has always taken it as a personal betrayal that I did not come live with him. Why?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2020): You don't have a lot of power. Your father has been childish and illogical. I think what you should do is calmly explain to him that unless he gets into therapy you are going to stop talking to him.
I imagine that it hurts you that your father has been acting this way for so long. It's not your fault! You might want to talk to a counselor about this situation too, so your dad's foolish behavior doesn't damage you long-term.
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (29 January 2020):
 My parents fought like cats and dogs the whole time my sister and I were growing up. My mother would get angry, pack her bags and leave for days and then come back. It was very upsetting and unstable for my sister and I. My mom would come to me and say "I'm going to leave your father, who are you going with?" This started when I was about 10. WHY did she ask me this? It was confusing and hurtful. I always answered the way I felt "I will stay with dad". I didn't want to leave my home and my security! My father was a good and kind man and was secure. My mother was loud and would fly off the handle..I wanted to be with my dad. My parents never did divorce but the fights went on for years into my teens. My mother had no right to ask my sister and I this kind of a question. My sister always picked my mom, BTW.
My mother still brings this up to me sometimes and I am in my 50's!!! Childish and foolish thing to do as a parent.
People get in horrific fights when it comes to their children and each parents wants to win. Your dad obviously didn't handle things well. I'm sure it hurt him. Talk to him about it. I couldn't get anywhere with my mom but trust me, its obvious she still holds it against me. I hope you have better luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Children been used as tools, parents who won't be adults and let their child know and understand that the reason they are not together is because of their OWN reasons, not the child. You are carrying misplaced guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing you could have done to sort their problems out. You analyse your every moments of choice, the way things could have been different.
Spanking, not sure about that one. you sound very very intense about this particular time in your life, did this happen often spanking off mum and leaving red marks behind?
I don't like the sounds of this and think you have experienced hard times at home and I know that it is not normal for you to be feeling this much guilt. You have obviously had blame put on you through your childhood more often than you would care to admit.
Now dad, better that you build your own life gradually into the adult world. finish school, get a job, get an education and get INDEPENDENT and make your dreams come true. Believe in yourself, build your confidence, and love yourself for who you are, this will come as you grow into a wonderful adult, with the world as your oyster.
You can not change adults into sensible sensitive caring human beings (parents or not), but you can change how you feel. Always be kind hearted, no bitterness, just take off the coat of guilt or whatever you carry and recognise that they were at fault not you!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2020):
 It IS childish of him holding this over your head. You were a kid and you chose the OBVIOUS route of staying with your mom. Most kids usually do.
It's also understandable that he had hopes you would WANT to live with him.
It CAN'T be easy for the parent who doesn't "GET" the kids.
And it's hard for the kids to try and be "loyal" to two parents. There are no "winners" here. the kids lose out on ONE parent, ONE of the parents lose out on the kids, the other lose out on their partner, someone to raise THEIR kids with.
But for your dad to HOLD this against you? Totally unfair. And I would in a gentle but honest way point it out. I would ALSO point out that YOU love him. AND that you love your mom too. That their divorce didn't just HURT them, it hurt you. But that YOU don't hold that against him now (IF that is the truth). That CHOOSING to live with your mother had NOTHING to do with WHOM you loved the most. It had to do with you feeling that is where you needed to be. With ALL the changes that YOU as a KID had to deal with as a result of THEIR divorce you chose to STAY with your mom, in your old house (perhaps) and room (maybe), and school (also a guess from me) - to GIVE you SOME sense of stability in the chaos that IS a divorce (even if the split was for the best).
If he WANTS to keep holding THAT over you head THAT is on him, but it will eventually alienate YOU. YOU were 10 for goodness sake!
You didn't stay with your mom out of SPITE for you dad.
I'd suggest that you have this conversation IN person if possible.
Chin up. I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong in staying with your mom. And you can't make EVERYONE happy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): My dear, children are often used as pawns between their rivaling-parents after a separation and divorce.
It's their way of showing one another that they can sway the love and allegiance of the children towards themselves. It's nothing more than self-serving manipulation.
Surprisingly, children want (and need) structure and order in their lives. It makes them feel protected and safe. Provided it isn't abusive, or too heavy-handed. They don't understand discipline in the terms given above, but they know the environment around them is for their protection and well-being. Once you get older, and feel more independent; you naturally resist being babied, or over-protected. That's not being rebellious, it's part of growing-up. You earn trust by good-behavior and showing responsibility.
Troubled and rebellious children see discipline as restrictive. They want their own way. They are unreliable, secretive, disobedient, and disruptive to their families. Always in trouble they've caused or created for themselves; while needing their parents to bail them out of their own self-made traps and self-destruction. Sometimes it's acting-out, sometimes it's due to mental-illness, and sometimes it's a sign of a criminal in the making. Your mother apparently knows how to apply her chosen type of discipline in a way you understand it.
Innocent children should not be turned against one parent or another. They have nothing to do with marital-problems or disagreements between parents...lest it's about child-support, conflicting forms of discipline; or particular needs of children are not being met by one parent, or the other. Even then, they should be civil and reasonable in your presence.
Your father only wanted to get back at your mother, and his little plan didn't work. Parents have to discipline their children. Your mother loves you, and it's apparent you know it. You couldn't be tricked into leaving her; just because you needed to be disciplined. Whatever the method. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty. His only intention was to hurt your mother.
I know it hurts to have either of them to be angry with you, or to ignore you. Love is not conditioned on which parent you choose to live with. In most instances, unless there is abuse; it is better for younger children to live with their mothers. Only as long as she is proven to be fit and capable of giving you the best of care. As kids become older and more independent, they can choose which parent they'd prefer to live with. That doesn't mean feelings won't be hurt in the process. You have two parents, and your heart is split between them. You can't love one more than the other; your location doesn't determine which parent you love the most. They decided they couldn't live together! You can only be in one place at a time!
Sweetheart, I cannot put into words the importance of not allowing your father to hurt your feelings, or make you feel at fault for anything. It's cruel to play on the sensitivities of children; when your main goal is to use them as an emotional-weapon against the other parent. He has proven that was his motive by making you feel guilty. If he loves you as a father should, he would only want you to be happy; and oblivious to any ongoing disagreements between him and your mother. I am not saying he doesn't love you...I have no right to imply or insinuate any such thing! You know he loves you! He is letting his issues with your mother dominate his actions; rather than allowing his love prevail over his selfish-intentions. It is natural for a loving-father to want to be with his children, but life didn't workout that way for your family.
If he has held a grudge this long; it speaks in volumes of what kind of character he has.
He tried to pry you from your mother. If he has regularly-scheduled visiting-privileges assigned by the court, and could see you as often as he wants to; he would do nothing but shower you with love and attention. Even if your mother was being restrictive and minimizing his contact; she couldn't do it legally, unless she could prove to the family-court it wasn't in your best-interest. Proving he has a history of domestic-violence, alcoholism, drug-abuse; or capable of causing some sort of dysfunction that could have an adverse-affect on your well-being.
Let me suggest that you write your father a heartfelt letter about this incident; and how it is affecting you. Include in great detail how it makes you feel; and tell him that if he really loved you, he couldn't treat you like this. You didn't betray him, you were too young to leave your mother. You don't expect this to change anything; but if this is the way he is. He has proven that staying with your mother was truly, and always, the right thing to do.
God bless you and comfort you, my dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Wow it's baffling that your own father would try to use you against your mother in a selfish effort to get one up on her. That's all this is. It actually has nothing to do with you. He is being unreasonable by holding this against you and I suggest that you find a way to move past this and learn not to hold yourself accountable for his actions because it seems as though his voice has managed to hold a permanent place in your head over time... Convincing you of things that you should've never been convinced of. It's time to heal, move on and thrive.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 He wanted to use his child as leverage over your mother. Come live with me and I will give you everything and let you do whatever you want. Perfect example of trying to manipulate a child. You have been well raised by your mother. You chose to stay with your mother because she offered you security, love and discipline in the right way. Your father has behaved appallingly towards you which is terribly immature and selfish.
Don't feel bad for doing the right thing. Tell him that his behavior was manipulative and selfish and that he needs to grow up before you two can having a loving father / daughter relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 January 2020):
 Sounds like he wanted to get one over on your mum and saw his chance when you complained about your penalty for not doing as you were told. He had it all worked out but then you decided (rightly) to stay with your mum.
This is not about you. This is all about him. Perhaps it is time to realize you do not need daddy's approval? Being a father does not automatically make you good or reasonable or kind. If he chooses to hold this incident against you all these years, you need to let it go and move on with your life. He is a sad bitter man. Don't let that rub off on you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Wow I am so sorry you are dealing with an immature father figure. You were a child for goodness sake, and parents should never try to make a child choose sides in a split, which is exactly what your dad did. At least from his perspective at the time it was an emotionally charged situation, but your dad is STILL holding on to misplaced resentment. This shows an incredible amount of immaturity. A female child is more than likely to be most comfortable and most at home with a mom, even if that mom is overly strict. Your dad should recognize this. What can you do now? I suggest counselling for you, and inviting him to one of the counselling sessions where you re-hash what happened. Best case scenario he uncovers that the hurt he is really feeling is connected to the marriage splitting up, and realizes it is nowhere near your fault. You could also try just confronting him about it and explaining how you feel it is unfair of him to hold this against you when you love him very much, and ask him why he wanted you to "pick a side" rather than just supporting you regardless.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2020):
 He’s being childish by blaming you. However, if your child chose your ex-partner over you, then you’d probably feel betrayed too - even if you knew it wasn’t their fault.
Time to discuss it as adults and speak to a counsellor if he’s not receptive.
...............................
|
