A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been broken up with my ex gf now for 4 months after having been together 5 years. Our relationship didn't end on a good note, the entire break up process was really ugly as a matter of fact which I won't get into detail, but never the less it's helped me move on a lot faster than I had expected. After nearly 4 months of no contact she finally decides to write me an email, reopening lines of communication. This was more than just a simple message asking how I've been doing, she started off by apologizing for what happened and the things she had said then goes on to ask how I've been and that she's been thinking of me. The last paragraph she talks about how she wishes to reconcile everything that happened between us even though she thinks I'll never want to after what happened.For a while I've thought about whether she's asking to remain friends or reunite as a couple. I'm still not exactly sure but I feel that she's wanting to get back together.The problem now is I'm not sure what I truly want but I know I want to meet with her like she had requested in the message, whether it brings us somewhere or not. I still love her incredibly even if my thoughts don't often involve her much anymore. I'm just unsure of what to do. She's lost much of my trust and I feel as if I were to give into meeting with her she'll change her mind. It's been 3 weeks since she wrote me and I never answered.I would appreciate some advice on how I should approach this and what to say now that it's been 3 weeks to let her know it's fine with me if she wants to meet up sometime to talk, I'm just scared she won't want to anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I've tried to reconcile with someone before in a very similar situation... From my experience, all is good for a few months because they're on their best behavior. But as soon as things start to get comfortable, they will start bringing you down all over again. And as usual, it will be your own fault.
You seem like a person with good sense, my advice would be to skip the meeting and let it go. She wasn't good for you before, she won't be good for you now. Her loss! Move on to greener pastures and be happy - you've earned it. :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I have in the past been in similar situations with an ex. Guess what? Her shit repeated itself every single time. It never stopped. Forget her. She has upset your balance now and thats no good. Block her and move forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I'm going to suggest you go to individual counselling. Talk about the end of the relationship, work it out of the system, be honest about it all. Re EXamine it BEFORE making a decision if you think its worth your while.
Usually you discover things about yourself and realize the WHY or WHAT motivates you in life and what helps you be happy. The kinda happy that is long lasting and brings peace and not the flashy, temporal happy.
You'll develop a better idea of whom you want to date and who will compliment your life, standards, and goals.
Then see if the EX really fits the bill.
If you still want to meet and she wants a realtionship- couples counselling and don't just hop back in. BOUNDARIES, SLOW PACE.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 December 2011):
 I don't believe in going back to an ex. There is usually a darn good reason for a break up and building/rebuilding trust is hard enough in a working relationship, but in a "re-stared" one it's REALLY hard.
My Mom always said, and I live by that," LOOK at people's actions, judge them on that, not just their words. Word can be meaningless if they don't match the actions of that person." And she was right.
Reply to her email, tell her, you don't want to met, you are on the fence or want to met. Just remember that sometimes when we see someone who hurt us deeply we tend to overlook the past for a few, specially if there are still feelings there. She might be sorry for what she did, yet she still did it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I would think that if it's weighing on your mind like this that maybe a nice coffee meeting/date to discuss the break up and seek closure is a good idea...
Four months after a break up is a long time to think of reconciliation in my opinion. Waiting 3 weeks to contact her tells her already that you are not that interested in getting back together.
Again, if the break up was emotional and over a fight, perhaps a final closure meeting is in order.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): My policy is; an ex is an ex for a reason and that reason never goes away. There is only one situation where I would break that rule and that is if life were to take us in different directions such as one person getting a job in a different country which meant they would be able to have a better life. A completely amicable mutual break up based on that decision alone.
There is no way in hell I would get back with someone in the situation you present.
"it's helped me move on a lot faster than I had expected." Do you really want to reset the clock and go back to the poison and bile that marked the end of your relationship?
It's been 3 weeks OP since you got one single email from her and it's been playing on your mind for that long. What do you think meeting her in person will do to your process of "moving on"?
Seems you've already decided that you're going to meet up with her and it will bring you right back to where to you started OP and you're going to have to get over her all over again. Sure it might be all roses for a little while but you don't trust her, your break up was vicious one and more than likely the reasons you broke up are still completely valid.
Enough with the lecture, to answer the question you asked just be up front about it. Tell her you're sorry it took you so long to reply but you've been very conflicted about it and unsure of what to do. Tell her the truth basically. If you want to meet up with her then there's no point in watering down your feelings or reasons and you have nothing to lose by being honest about this. If you want any kind of working relationship whether that be friendship or getting back together then everything has to be out in the open.
"I'm just scared she won't want to anymore." Fuck fear, life's too short to worry or be afraid of things like this. But on the other hand try and think of the real reason you're afraid. It's not that your afraid she won't agree to meet, you're afraid of the pain that opening up the lines of communication will most definitely bring you. What your mind should and most likely does fear the most is that she will agree to meet and she'll be the sweet, beautiful girl you fell in love with again because if that's how it pans out OP you're going to lose yourself in her and the second time of getting over her will be even harder.
Psychological studies suggest the human mind needs 6 months minimum per every 5 years of a relationship just to begin the truly heal, neither of you are over this and if either of you want to get over this then you'll wait until neither of you feel anything before you meet up again.
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