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My ex boyfriend was so large I'm afraid its ruined me for anyone else!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2011) 14 Answers - (Newest, 8 April 2011)
A female New Zealand age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello, agony aunts. Thanks in advance for reading my question, and for any thoughtful advice or answers.

I have recently come out of a two year long relationship and I am now fresh on the single scene. My ex and I got together when we were both pretty young and inexperienced, and still in school, so I have never really done the whole dating-courting thing and am pretty inexperienced, although I've already got a few guys hot on my heels.

What I'm worried about is the sex. My boyfriend and I were EXTREMELY sexual while we were together, and he was very, VERY large. In fact, it took us quite a while for us to have sex because although I was not a virgin when we started dating, he was so big it used to be agony for me.

I am worried that because I am so used to my ex being so HUGE, I will never be satisfied with other guys who are smaller! Although we have not slept together, I have been seeing another man and I know for a fact that he is a lot smaller than my ex. There have been a few times when I could have had sex with him, and wanted to, but I feel like I will hardly be able to feel him inside me, and I feel like he will think I'm disgusting or a slut because I'm so loose from my ex.

My other problem, which I never had before I started sleeping with my ex, is that I now queef a lot during sex, because my vagina is so loose. When I was with my ex it never bothered me because we were so intimate that we were never ashamed of anything in front of each other, but I think I'd die if it happened when I was with this new guy, or during a one-night-stand.

I feel as if my body has been ruined. I used to be very confident and know I was sexy, but now I feel as if I have been "used" so much that I am not attractive anymore. It is humiliating and I feel like a slut, or and old floozy who's been around the block way too many times. At 19, guys expect girls to be sexy, fresh and tight, and I'm NOT!

ANY help or advice would be greatly appreciated! I want my sex life and my confidence back!

View related questions: confidence, my ex, sex life, vagina

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters United States +, writes (8 April 2011):

IHateWomanBeaters agony auntI read your followup and I am glad I read what I read, minus one thing.

Don't have a set time limit where you must wait 1 year to have sex, etc.

Trying to predict when sex is okay to have in a relationship is a bad idea.

If you feel right having sex, it is okay to do it.

Don't do it when you aren't ready, but don't hold back when, in your heart, you want to do it.

Do it when you want!

That is the beauty of your love life.

It is your's, no one else's.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you again for all your helpful feedback!

I think you may all be right, I think a lot of the problem may just be me being insecure and it being mostly in my head.

Yes, it was very painful when my ex and I started sleeping together, and it took quite a lot of gentle fingering to get me used to it, before it started to "fit" properly. After that, I never experienced the pain again, although I sometimes experienced discomfort during some positions when the tip of his penis pressed too hard on the "end" on my vagina, where the cervix begins.

Thank you ALL so much again for your help. I will definitely be giving those Kegels a go. I am trying to tell myself that it is all in my head, and I will do my best to wait as long as possible before sleeping with this new man, although that will be easier said that done! (:

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

My wife has had 4 children, vaginally, and I'm sure they were way bigger than your ex's penis could every dream about.

Yet, 2 fingers breadth is tight when working to arousal, and yet a very large penis could be accommodated when suitably aroused.

Yes, it is in your head.

Your lover and you need to work with each other, and bottom line is that if you ever have a baby you will find out what it means to be truly "stretched out".

"he was so big it used to be agony for me"

Could you go and post that to the guy who is worried about his being to small on this as well.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (28 March 2011):

person12345 agony auntYour vagina doesn't get stretched out from sex or a large penis. Really the only thing that can stretch you out is giving birth, and even then with kegel exercises it's possible to go almost completely back to normal. Sex doesn't stretch anything, you won't feel loose to him. Your vagina is a very resilient organ, it stretches out to larger than a fist when you are aroused and can shrink down to the size of a finger width when you're not or anxious. Plus every vagina is different, it's not like he has a standard measuring tape to judge you with. Don't even give it a second thought. This is probably all in your head. Queefing is the result of air being pushed in, usually the initial penetration and has nothing to do with "looseness."

Worrysome though is that you had sex with him even though it was agony? You need to be fully aroused before you even try penetration. It shouldn't hurt at all.

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A female reader, Sincerely Yours United States +, writes (28 March 2011):

Sincerely Yours agony auntWell I've had a child and after the six weeks of not having sex, like I was told to do, I was tight as I ever was. And I still can use those muscles that were mentioned in the previous posts. You can probably clench them tight enough to grab a finger, so don't worry so much. Just give your body and of course, yourself (emotionally) time to adjust to not having a man before you jump with another man, and you should be fine.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for your advice! I will DEFINATELY be giving those Kegels a try!

In response to YouWish about the queefing being caused by the penis pushing air up the vagina, that may be true some of the time, but I have not had sex in quite a few weeks and I still queef, especially when I become aroused!

Thank you again for all your valuable input. It is so helpful and encouraging to know that there are people out there that I can ask for help. (:

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (28 March 2011):

YouWish agony auntFirst, Chigirl is right. No matter how large your ex was, he wasn't as large as a 6, 7, 8, or 9 pound baby is, and billions of women around the world have smashing good sex after birth with no ill-effects.

You aren't loosened for life because of him. Your vagina is designed to adjust, and it will fit like a glove with whoever your next guy is.

You're also neither a floozy nor a slut. you had a two year relationship, hardly slut material. I'm thinking that whoever you fall in love with next isn't going to be focused on vagina size, but on the fact that he's crazy about you and will be focused on pleasing you. I'm assuming your clitoris works just fine!

As for queefing, that's not your fault. The way your ex was thrusting in you was pushing air inside your vagina, which subsequently escaped back out. I don't think you'll have a problem with the next guy doing that.

Your body is far from ruined. You are still sexy, tight, and hot. Do what chigirl says regarding the Kegels. When you use the restroom, stop and start the flow of your urine a few times each time. Those are the same muscles that will tightly grip your man's penis. Those suckers can take a beating in childbirth, but yours are still strong enough to crack walnuts I'm guessing.

You're not ruined in the least bit. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

As of right now you haven't actually tried sex with anyone new, so you don't know if it going to be an issue for either of you or not. Unless you try it and it's an issue, it's just in your head.

Queefing just happens. Anyone who's had sex a few times will know this.

The conventional wisdom is that 1) a even a huge penis can't stretch a vagina because vaginas are capable of passing babies through them and even the largest penis in the world is much smaller than a baby's head (i.e. even though you were able to stretch enough over a long period of time accommodate your ex, this stretching will have no effect whatsoever in terms of how tight you are going forward); and 2) penis size makes no difference in terms of sex for either the man or the woman because all vaginas can adapt to all penis sizes, and "the motion in the ocean" is the only thing that matters.

If the conventional wisdom is correct, neither you nor your future partner(s) will experience any issues with respect to intercourse.

If the conventional wisdom is wrong and it turns out to be an issue either for you or your future partners, you have a couple choices.

First, you can do kegal exercises. This seems to work for most women if they are motivated enough to do them regularly. For example, if you do a google search on fisting and kegals, you will find plenty of posts by women who claim they're plenty tight even after fisting thanks to doing kegals regularly.

Second, some guys prefer women who aren't so tight. It might not be an issue for your future partner(s) at all, even if the conventional wisdon is wrong (that's not to say it won't be an issue for you, but it's not necessarily something to be ashamed of either).

Your other choices are to abstain from sex altogether, or only have sex with men who are as large as your ex. Your choice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

You can visit a Dr or a Sexologist and ask them what type of exercises you can do in order to regain some of the sensations you didn't need to worry before b/c your ex was big enough. About the other guys, sometimes is not the size that matters, but how you use it, use foreplay and give the guys credit. Maybe they know how to make you happy in so many other ways also. So don't worry there is a solution for everything.

Good Luck!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (28 March 2011):

chigirl agony auntYour vagina will adjust itself. After women give birth they are still perfectly capable of having a good sex life! The vagina DOES adapt, it's not widened permanently. It will also help if you do muscles exercises. You know the muscle you use to stop the flow of pee when peeing? That muscle you can contract and strengthen. If you work it that muscle will help you get narrow and snug again, and also give you the skill to "grip" around a mans penis while he is inside you.

It'll take some time though, all of this is not done in a few weeks. But say you got into a relationship with a new guy now, 6 months to a year from now and I think you would be able to enjoy the sex again just like you did with the well hung ex. It took you a long time to widen for your ex.. it's gonna take a while to shrink to adjust a smaller penis.

But, you are by no means ruined or loose. Women who are loose down there are loose by nature or from giving birth. Ordinarily women will adjust to the penis size of the man they are with, to a certain degree at least. As for the queefing, it is a normal part of sex. Just because you can't remember having done it before doesn't mean it is caused by a big penis. Plenty of women who have sex with perfectly average men queef. I for one have never noticed a queefing pattern with bigger or smaller penises.

Work on your muscles down there, and don't have one night stands. Just wait with getting sexual with a new guy until you feel confident and ready. Or else it is so easy to be negative and over-analyze things in a bad light and it will be a bad experience for you. Wait until you trust that the guy you are with is someone who will never judge you.

And, whatever you do, don't discuss your ex! Just stay clear of that topic, and don't mention his size! Talking about other mens' penises with the new boyfriend is a sure mood-kill and relationship-kill.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

Kegal exercise girl...Then try it with this new guy. I think you are the only one worried about it...He will not notice a thing as long as he is enjoying it. Vagina bounces right back to shape after being enlarged girl. You aint had no baby before and you are worried. What if a baby came through that hole then what would you do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

Talk to your doctor, but I have read in several places that a woman's body will return to "normal", and there should be no worries in your situation. If this is an extremely odd situation there are surgical techniques to help you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

Unless he is bigger than a 6 to ten pound baby clawing it's way into the world i wouldn't give it another thought.

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A female reader, DanceInTheDark Canada +, writes (28 March 2011):

DanceInTheDark agony auntKegels. Seriously they are effective, you can literally do them anywhere, anytime.

http://whatscookingamerica.net/HealthBeauty/Kegels.htm

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