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My ex and I are back in touch. Will getting back with my ex work?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 November 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone,

So, I split with my ex 7 years ago. We'd been together 6 years, not living together or anything but still spending a lot of time together whilst raising my son from a previous marriage as well as his two young sons.

We split, my decision, and ultimately I think I thought the grass was greener but I have since discovered this is not the case.

My ex, when looking back, was my soulmate. We were good together.

Anyway, we've since been back in touch, both now single, and have been on a couple of dates.

Could a possible relationship work out after so much time apart or would we miss that 'getting to know' phase that you experience in a new relationship?

Thanks.

View related questions: my ex, soulmate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015):

Hi there

I'm in a similar situation to you and I have just rekindled with an ex having been apart for almost 20 years which is a long time. when we meet again there was great chemistry which is a good sign that there are still feelings and unfinished business. I have kids for someone else, he has none.

I suggest take it slowly and do a lot of talking. That way I feel could make it a success this time as I learnt from my mistakes. Make sure he understood what hurt you before or the pattern will continue and visa versa.

Good luck!

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (29 October 2015):

I disagree with virtually everything in WiseOwlE’s answer on this occasion but he is right to highlight the hint of doubt in your question. The most interesting part of your question is the reason you give for the initial split: you thought the grass was greener but now have come to realise that it is not. That sounds to me like a reconstructed narrative, by which I mean a version of history that you’ve created that minimises any substantive causes for the split in favour of putting it down to some kind of irrational, emotional reaction. Behind that belief that the grass was greener, there must have been reasons for why you weren’t convinced that the grass on your own side was green enough. The question you have to ask is what were these reasons, and can they be fixed? Some of them can’t: you fell out of love, there was cheating or some-one else came along and it’s impossible for the injured party to forgive. Others can with effort: you argued too much, you forgot to make time for each other. They are examples but I give them to show you that you have to really look back and unpick what went wrong. If it is something that could have been put right, then you will have to talk about it with the ex if it’s going to become serious again because, as much as I believe people can start afresh, that’s not the same as starting anew and the past can’t be buried under a pile of assurances that things have changed and will be different now. So, take things slowly and be thinking about that question. I’d also not leave it too long before you talk to him about it and get his view because his responses matter just as much.

Lastly, you ask about the “getting to know phase.” That worries me a bit. Of course, you could mean the interesting prospect of finding out about some-one else’s life, their personality, hopes and dreams etc. You could, however, be talking about attraction: the chemistry that, at the start, is incredibly strong and is often called the ‘honeymoon phase.’ After all these years apart, if there isn’t a pretty strong sense of excitement as the prospect of getting back with him, I wonder if that means you’re not really attracted to him. Something for you to ponder. You should really feel a sense of being in love even if you deal with it in a measured way.

I wish you all the very best.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

I'm not going to waste a lot of time or words on this over-worked topic.

He's your ex for several reasons. Recycle plastic, metal, and glass. Not boyfriends and girlfriends. There is no such thing as a soulmate. That's a romanticized childish notion. You're lonely, tired of searching, and settling. You're feeling sentimental.

You wouldn't have asked, if you didn't have a gut feeling it won't!

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A female reader, DiliChu United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2015):

Thank you for writing to DearCupid. Firstly I would like to point out that since you guys had previously went out with each other, you obviously know what he was like during the time of the relationship however, do take into account that over the last 6 years, he might have changed. Perhaps the most important point is that you're both single and you're not in any relationships as it would have made it awkward between the both of you. In addition, it will be too soon to get back with your ex after a couple of dates. I would advise to make a variety of decisions such as waiting for the right time, be certain of your feelings towards your ex and also consult your ex, he's involved in this as well- try telling him how you feel.

I hope this helps.

Good luck

Love Dili Chu

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