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Do I tell my LDR what happened (a date and a kiss) during the period we were apart? Or not mention it?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi aunts.

In a LDR of nearly a year

Had some difficulties, especially of late, leading to us splitting up a few weeks back.

I went on a couple of dates with an old friend, ended up kissing him. Spent the evening thinking of my man.

Have told the friend I wont be seeing him again.

My LDR and I have subsequently gotten back together, and we have both looked at the main issues and want to give things another go, which is going well thus past few weeks now.

Should I tell him I went on a couple of dates with this friend and kissed him or leave it? I regret doing it, and love my man.

View related questions: kissing, period

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

Hi!

The first thing you need to do is to reassess what YOU really want. Because, honestly the notion of LDR seems very romantic but in the long run we need some real intimacy-emotional and physical; and also a real physical presence.

And as far as that tryst with a friend is concerned, you don't have to spill the beans. But technically, you cheated on him. Bury it in your heart and see if that LDR works out for both you and your boyfriend. You can ask him to visit you at times or you can also pay him a visit. Chat on Skype etc. Even after everything, if you still feel the need to go out with someone else, you should call the relationship off.

Bottom line: Try to work it out and if it doesn't, walk out.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (29 October 2015):

I assume from your post that there is no chance your boyfriend will find out from anyone else that this kiss happened. If he will, tell him yourself. If not, see the rest of my answer. The answer is no: keep it to yourself. It was just a kiss. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. The important question is this: you say that you’re going to give things another go, but are you confident that you have really addressed the reasons for the split in the first place? It’s one thing to trade reasons and justifications, saying “I left because of this or that.” You also have to have a strategy for communicating better. If one of us is unhappy about something, this is how we should raise it and this is how we will discuss it. Every relationship, especially an LDR, will face challenges. If, however, you respond by splitting up for a bit, it shows that within this relationship there’s no constructive approach to sorting problems out and that does mean that you could get locked in a cycle of making up, breaking up, patching things up again and repeating this failing cycle. So, if you’re going to try again, be sure that the way this relationship works has actually changed, otherwise you’ve re-entered something that remains as broken as when you left it. If things still aren’t working out and this happier situation doesn’t last, walk away. But definitely don’t let one kiss ruin things.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

Hi wise owl- thank you.

I would say in our defense we see each other most weekends now we are back together. I am interested to know if your opinion remains exactly the same given that ? I cant lie- I do struggle with the lack of physical contact.....one of the reasons we split, hence the increase in weekends.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

No, breakup with the LDR and date the guy you're with. You'll only do it again and again. Feel guilty, tell your boyfriend, then go through hell.

You're deprived of a real relationship. No insult to your age, but you're far too mature to be doing what people in their early twenties do. Clinging to other people miles apart, sitting around love-starved and addicted to social media. While sneaking around and cheating when they can't take it any longer.

People put themselves through a lot of crap hanging on to people miles and continents away that they're not even married to. You're having problems; because you're trying to pretend you've go something real with a guy who may as well be on another planet.

People, will you please just learn how to have a regular relationship? They're hard enough when you live together. You need the daily practice of being civil to one another. Exercising and exchanging trust, sharing your space, and relating on intimate terms. Holding each other and meeting those basic human needs. Love is a tactile emotion! It draws us closer!

It's easy to pretend your love is so strong you can stretch it over distance. The truth is, it's more trouble and deprivation than it's worth. It's better for people who don't know how to interact intimately with other people. The distance gives them an excuse not to have to deal with maintaining real human connection; which they're not emotionally equipped to handle.

We all have to deal with the challenge of being pulled apart for the purpose of work, military service, and pursuing education. These are necessary, noble causes, and most often unavoidable. Just hanging by a rope when you have other options. It's just psychological torture.

Tell me, what do you think you'll gain by telling him you kissed another guy? Why don't you stick a needle in his eye? He'll assume that's what you're always up to.

People in long-distance relationships mainly fight for one reason. They are sexually-frustrated, and really want to break loose and have a real relationship with somebody they can touch. He's probably kissing other people too!

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