A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid.I (26) have been struggling a lot lately with a few things and here it is...My father cheated on my mother in 2011 (there were previous times when I was little), then my grandma passed away in 2015 and from then she became an alcholic.In April 2016 my mother left my father...4 months later (august 2016) my father met a woman, this woman told me the first night myself and my dads side of the family had met her "I know it's hard at the beginning" for a first meeting my father and her were inappropriate in front of myself and the family, acting like teenagers...she moved in not even a year after my mother left telling my father "we get along really well, is it okay if I stay" (even though she had her daughters to stay at) she moved in with all my mothers things still in the house...which I found disrespectful.Last year in November my mother passed away, but before she did, my mother told me "She wants me and you out of the picture" (meaning my dads partner)My dads partner wanted to come to my mums funeral to support my dad but she didn't. and since my mother has passed away I have had no time at all when I am home spent with my father one on one as she is always around.before my mother passed away, my dad acted like he didn't love his new partner, wanted her to leave a couple of times...but since my mother has passed away they have been talking about getting married and I can't accept that as I believe my mother deserved more then what this partner of my dads gets.I feel like my relationship with my dad is drifting because of this woman he is with..I don't trust and I don't like her even after three years...- she's been married twice, divorced twice- drives a sports car- got my dads car impounded for DD a few years back- talks nice to your face then bad behind your back- she makes everything about her.- doesn't like It when my mother is mentioned. (jealous I guess)- told me I had no fashion sense - laughed at me one night because I told my dad he could have the house, all I cared for was my mothers share of the money, and she said "haha, you were expecting to get half the house) - I had seen a lawyer that day.I have heard things in the grape vine that she said to someone on the phone "I'm living on a gold mine" (my dads place) and "I wish (my mothers name) would die already so (my dad) and I can get on with our lives -- I am not sure if these two statements are true but I am wary.another thing that is really getting to me, is that her daughter has a baby so she's a grand mother now. I don't have children yet.but she has said some things to me like "you have a long way to go until you have kids" and just the other day "I wouldn't go having kids yet, and if you are so worried you can get your eggs frozen" - I feel like she doesn't want me having children because she wants her grand children to be the centre of my dads life and when I have kids knows my kids will take priority in my dads life)I feel like my fathers partner is a gold digger, after my dads money etc.- my dad has made her and myself beneficiary of his will and I know I will have a fight on my hands when the time comes.I'm stuck on what to do, because I feel like if my father marries this woman my relationship with my father will be done. (I have seen a councellor)I guess I'm just looking for advice on what to do...I hate the fact I can see the type of person she is and my dad can't.thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Sorry to hear about your mom... it's hard.Please understand that whatever you do, your father will do what he wants to do, as he always had.This woman hasn't changed your dad. People mostly get this part wrong. She's only a consequence of what your father is a person. And that is in no way your fault or responsibility.No responsible parent would ever put a partner before his own child. Period. So her presence in your life is just how he wants things to be. In many ways she might be, to an extant, doing some dirty work for him, making her the bad guy, while he's just an angel, right?So... distance yourself emotionally and if you can afford to do so, get a great lawyer (and get a second opinion). There's only one valid will and that is the last one. The one you know about could be just that - the one you know about. Don't forget that he has the right to give everything over to her, while he is alive, and when he dies there would be nothing to share. People sometimes find it hard to understand that with inheritances, it's not just about the money. Inheriting something from your parents says that they recognize you, that they love and care about you... so, the hardest part I would say is realizing that you parent (and it is usually the father) just doesn't care enough to put his children first. This won't stop the parents from manipulating and blackmailing their children. Some people just need the fuss. It's up to you to love yourself and respect yourself. Do not play their games, especially the ones you cannot win. If this woman is around all the time, it's because your dad wants her to be. He doesn't want to face you alone.I've seen this and it hurts. But after some time and a lot of pain and injustice, chances are you'll realize that there's nothing to fight for. There's no dad to be fried from this monster of a woman. There's only this selfish man who has always done as he pleased and will continue to do so.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (14 July 2019):
 First and foremost, my condolences on your mother's death. The first year after a death is always the hardest as you have all the "firsts" without them to get through: first Christmas, first birthdays (hers and yours), etc. Hang in there. It will get easier with time.
That said, your father is an adult. Assuming he is of sound mind, he is entitled to make his own decisions, whether you agree with them or not, just as you can make decisions with which HE doesn't necessarily agree. Understandably, this whole relationship is further tainted for you by your mother's sad death and the "disrespect" you feel is being shown to her memory and the injustice you feel on her behalf. I also suspect a lot of the dislike towards this woman is redirected hurt from the way your father treated your mother. After all, HE was the one who cheated on her. This current lady friend was not involved in that (we assume).
If your father had made this lady and you beneficiaries of his will, then there should be no "fight" involved in the event of his death. Fights happen when there is no will (too often the case). I would just say that, if he marries, his will should be redrawn to make sure everything is up-to-date and clear. I have known cases where wills have been "complicated" by someone getting married in between the will being drawn up and their death. Although, if you decide to cut ties with your father if he marries this woman, then he could, quite legitimately and understandably, cut you out of his will completely. You know you can keep a civil relationship with him without necessarily agreeing within what he has done, don't you?
Have you asked your father if you can have some alone time with him? You could even explain to them both together that you feel you need some alone time with your father as you have not been able to have any since your mother's death. Don't be apologetic about it. It is no less than you deserve. Be clear what it is you need from him though, and also be prepared to be disappointed.
With any luck, your father will see this woman's true colours before they marry. If you keep telling him how unsuitable she is though, he is more likely to dig his heels in so I would strongly advise being supportive so he feel she CAN change his mind if he wants to without losing face.
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