A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex of 6.5 years left 5 months ago. Well, she sort of left. She moved in with a family member saying she wasn't sure what she wanted. She comes round once or twice during the week for dinner and stays every weekend. We don't have sex or anything like that but we do cuddle up like a couple. Neither of us are seeing anyone or intend to see anyone else for the forseeable future. I don't believe she's the type to 'use' me, as in, if she knew what she wanted I believe she'd pull the bandaid off because this situation is difficult for both of us and it would be better to have closure if that's where it was headed anyway. She also knows that we would remain friends no matter what. So I believe her confusion is genuine, I just don't understand what it's about. To me it's very simple. You love someone you be with them. You don't, then you move on. I've kept my heart open, hoping that it's a rough patch and that if I have faith in us, she will get through this and come back. But I don't know if that's just delusional. And when I try and talk about it with her she becomes very upset and clams up. She's a person who does not really know how to talk about her feelings. We had a wonderful relationship for years and our breakup came sort of out of the blue, during a period of high stress for her. I suspected that the break up was more about her being overwhelmed and not coping but I could be wrong. I suppose what I'm wondering is if there's a chance for a relationship that is going through this or am I in denial that it's over?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 July 2019):
 There is ALWAYS a "chance". Few things are impossible. However, you have to decide what you want from life and how long you are prepared to wait for your ex to decide what SHE wants.
I have read and re-read your post and I still don't know what to suggest. It's a very difficult situation. On the one hand, your ex chose to move out. Relationship over. On the other hand, she keeps coming back. Relationship NOT over.
I can only imagine how confusing this is for you. It also sounds like a very UNFAIR way to treat someone for 5 months. Your ex needs to decide whether she is going to stay your ex OR return to being your partner. Currently she is merely keeping her options open. Nothing wrong with that if YOU are happy, but you are obviously not otherwise you would not have written in.
If your ex finds it difficult to talk about her feelings, ask questions in a way which make it as easy as possible for her to answer. For instance, "Compared to how we used to be, would you say you are happier now or were you happier then?" That sort of question doesn't require heart-searching conversations about feelings but a simple few-word answer. If she says she is happier NOW, ask what is/are the missing factor(s) which make her happier now. If she says she was happier before, ask what is stopping her from coming back. If she finds it hard to discuss, perhaps you could suggest answers, like "Is it because you prefer the relationship when it is non-sexual?" or "Is it because you found the relationship too stressful full-time?" or "Did we get into a rut?" That way, if she doesn't want to talk, she can give one word answers. With any luck, it will open conversation between you so you can get some insight into what is happening.
I can tell from your post you still have deep feelings for your ex so you need to decide whether this "friendship" you are currently involved in is enough for you. If not, you need to set a time limit on how long you will ALLOW it to continue before drawing a line under it and moving on.
I hope you manage to work things out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): It would have been simple if life were binary. But thing's are not that clear. I think that she's in the period of letting go. Getting used to the decision she made. She still needs some things she had with you (maybe being alone terrifies and excites her at the same time?), thus dinners, cuddling... Some people continue to have sex at this stage, which only adds to confusion. You need to be proactive. You need to realize what it is that YOU want. You seem as someone who idealizes people and situations. You BELIEVED you had a great relationship, but it obviously isn't the complete truth. Nobody leaves a great relationship just out of the blue. She obviously doesn't know how to express her needs and emotions and you most likely see what you want to see.So what it is that you want?Do you want her back knowing that she left you out of the blue and that there is a possibility that she might do it again?Do you want to give her space (and control over your life?!) and wait for her to decide?(she moved out, she doesn't want to talk about it, she just needs some training wheels until she's ready to see what's next - to me she pretty much decided)It's hard when somebody leaves, but there's lesson to be learned. And it's not easy finding out what it is. If I were to guess, I'd say that a good start would be to learn to perceive things better. It's easier when it's happening to someone else. What would you say if a best friend were to ask for your advice? Would you project your own fears and desires or would you be objective and remind him that his gf moved out?Maybe she wanted something else, something she couldn't communicate, because sometimes people wish we could read their minds. E.g. did she want to get married? I just hope that you will be ok once she decides not to come for dinner or stay over on weekends...
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (15 July 2019):
How long are you willing to put up with this? Tell your wife that the two of you need to see a counselor and then make an appointment. If she refuses to go you go on your own. Perhaps the counselor can help you figure out why you are so willing to put up with such shabby behavior from someone who is supposed to love you.
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