A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I like a guy, who is a friend of mine. But, I think he likes one of my other friends. Neither of them knows I like him. I won't tell them. My friend is so much prettier than I am... she has great hair (I have thin, ugly hair), green eyes (I have brown eyes which are very common and uninteresting) and she has big boobs (I have small ones). I feel really ugly, as this type of things always happen to me, ever since I was a teen (that my crushes like my prettier friends). I have a nice personality, I'm smart and talented, yet this always seems to pale in comparison to some other girl's good looks... I mean, my friend also has a great personality and she's also smart AND she has great looks... how am I ever going to get a guy interested in me like that? Having a good personality means nothing, because pretty people have good personalities too.I feel so bad right now, and I feel stupid since I'm 23 years old, and this is the kind of problem I had when I was 16. I thought these things would get better with age, but no, because looks are still important, it seems! How can I get over it soon? I hate feeling like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I'm also 23, and felt like you did about 6 years back. You described the way I used to look perfectly. I have brown eyes, and I used to have short, thin hair that never seemed to grow and never looked good no matter what I did with it. I had an overactive thyroid and I was too skinny, had a flat chest, very pale skin, and dark circles under my eyes. I was truly a mess. It seemed like no matter what I ate, I couldn't get any bigger, and no matter how much sleep I got, the dark circles remained. Then about 5 years ago, I started taking a multivitamin every day around the same time. I gradually started seeing changes in my appearance. My hair started to get a little thicker and longer, and my dark circles lessened a bit. This took place over the course of a year or so. Then a new store opened up near where I lived that specifically sold vitamins and nothing else. I decided to check it out, and wound up getting myself some vegetable vitamins and also some gelatin pills which specialize in improving hair, skin, and nails. I also stared drinking a lot more water. After just a few months of taking those, I saw more of an improvement in my appearance than when I was taking just a basic multivitamin. I actually started to put on weight (in all the right places, I might add, chest being one of them). My hair got even thicker and longer and my dark circles were almost non-existent. My face finally had color as well, and I didn't need makeup anymore. My appearance has only continued to improve over the years. My hair is almost so long I can sit on it, and my cheeks have just the right amount of flush in them. (Meaning not overly red, just slightly flushed.) Oh, and one more thing...I saw my ex from 5 years ago not too long ago while out grocery shopping with my husband, and I gotta say it felt damn good to smirk at him knowing how good I look now. All those times I felt hurt when he used to look at other women while we were out and comment on how they looked better than me were erased by that smirk I gave him. I have the upper hand now. He's still alone while I have the best husband a woman can ask for. I hope someday you can look back and smirk at all the guys who chose your friends over you. As immature as that sounds, it's still a great feeling.
A
female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 I love the above post ;) When I was younger ( 20's) I felt the same way as you did. (That's why I always chose to have friends that weren't prettier than I was) LOL! Well... kind of true! You do need to work on your self esteem. Yeah, grow your hair long, add some highlights :) Brown eyes are awesome! I have them too. Right now sparkle is "in" Purple looks awesome on brown eyes! Get a makeover at the mall. You will be guided on how to make your makeup look great! Pushup bras are cool too! I am pretty small in the bust are ps.( we look good in small tops. ) btw. :D Guys like to see a cofident girl and it comes out within. Maybe go out by yourself one night to a coffee shop or even a bar if you are comfortable. I met my boyfriend online. It's a good start by being independent. :) Don't worry, the right guy will come around for you. Walk with your head up high ;)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2011):
 deep sigh....
some men like small boobs and brown eyes...
my grandmother used to say "there is a cover for every pot" she meant that I would find my match....
some men like tall women... I don't appeal to them. Some men like younger women, I don't appeal to them.
some men like anything but ME... they are not the ones that I interest. BUT the ones that i interest may not be the ones that interest me.... it's a lovely dance to find the one you like that likes you back...
THE key is that YOU have to like yourself....
and go for what you want..
my current partner...... likes smaller women... I am smaller but it seems every PRIOR gf was larger than me... and yet he cared about them too.... he prefers light eyes, long dark hair etc... NONE of the things I am... yet we are together and while he did NOT see me as beautiful at first he does now..... no I'm not his "type" and I never will be but he loves me as I am and I love him as he is even if he's not the type I would normally be attracted to.
WHAT then you ask got us together? OUR BRAINS... his personality and brain power so appealed to me I saw PAST his skinny stature and height.... and fell in love with him... now when I see his snaggle toothed grin my heart melts... NOW he is my heart's desire....
Learn to be the best you can be.... I will never be a size 2 or anything other than PETITE (at 5'2" I'm TINY) no matter how tall I want...
but i learned to love ME where I am and when I look in the mirror I say "NOT BAD for an old lady"
YOU must learn to look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful and loving and I am worth it"
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... most men think that balding is unattractive... I think bald men are sexy as hell....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I know how you feel. I often feel the same myself. There are so many pretty girls out there, why would any guy choose me? But the one thing I have realized is that LOGIC DOES NOT APPLY TO DATING. You can see it yourself, just go out to the street and look at the couples walking by. I can guarantee you will see that many of those girls, holding hands with their boyfriends, are far from being beauty queens. However unattractive you think you are, you will see girls less attractive than you, who have somehow managed to find a boyfriend. And often it is a good looking guy. Also, look at the mothers pushing baby strollers. How many of them would you describe as beauties? Not many. And yet, they have a man in their life. And a ring on their finger.
On the other hand, there are so many good looking people who are always alone, even though everybody keeps telling them they are such a catch.
How is that possible? It is because finding a partner depends on some yet undiscovered factors. It is still a mystery why some people have a hard time finding somebody, while others, who have much less to offer, are always in a relationship. In fact, I'm pretty sure science doesn't even realize that those factors exist.
Bottom line, even though the society is obsessed with looking good and physical beauty, when it comes to dating, looks don't matter.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 December 2011):
 This is one of those things where the first step is the hardest one. If it makes you feel better, the vast majority of guys have a similar problem - attracting someone in the first place is the hardest step of all. So you're not alone.
Attracting a guy is 80% about your looks, but keeping him is 80% personality. So, you just have to keep your resolve to get over that first hump.
Maximize your looks, and stop putting yourself down for them. All that does is make you feel sorry for yourself; the proper attitude is to accept what you have to work with, then put that to its best use. Don't like your hair? Grow it long, and tie it back or braid it or something to make it look thicker and fuller (long hair is hard to fine, so that's a competitive advantage you can cultivate). Don't like your eyes? There's nothing wrong with brown ones. It wouldn't be the most common eye color if brown-eyed girls couldn't attract men, would it? Don't like your boobs? Small boobs don't draw the eye as readily, it's true, but your can still emphasize them with tight shirts or a good bra. And trust me, once the man has access to them, size matters a lot less.
Same with everything else about your looks - work with what you got.
As for personality, you say you have a great one, and I believe you. But that's such a vague term, how can you expect to show it off without getting specific? The next step is to figure out what traits men value (and your crushes in particular), then emphasize and advertise. Loyalty is the best trait - make it clear to a man that while he has to earn your loyalty, once he has it, you'll be by his side come hell or high water; be on his team. Positivity is another - make a man think that having you around will be a source of happiness, not a drain on it (so stop insulting yourself and start celebrating your good traits). Respect - let a man know that he can expect you to build him up, to admire him, and not to tear him down or belittle him. Healthy sex drive - the ideal is a girl like a dam about to burst: fully controlled, and not spilling out everywhere, but ready to be insatiable with just the right guy... that metaphor got a bit lost at the end, but you know what I mean.
Then, start seeking men out. Ask them out! Flirt openly with the guys you like! Make it clear you want them. Getting rejected sucks, it's true, so before even trying, a lot of men do careful risk/reward analysis. If a girl is really hot, she's worth a greater risk; if a girl appears uninterested or hostile, she's too great a risk. By hiding your crushes and feeling bad about yourself, you probably look like you're more likely to reject a man. You don't have to leap into the arms of any man who talks to you, just make it clear that you'll give him his fair shot. Take the risk of rejection partially onto yourself - it's empowering, and men appreciate it.
Not going to lie - this will not work with 100% certainty. You will have to endure a rejection or two, or maybe date a guy for a while but turn him away in the end because he's just a player. Expecting instant success is childish, and you're a grown woman who can handle this if you put your mind to it. Stop worrying about your friends and start focusing on yourself.
As for this current crush - go for it. It may not work out, as I said, but succeed or fail, you get the experience, and can congratulate yourself for taking the shot. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 December 2011):
There has to be more that sets you apart from these other girls. Do you have any talents, play any instruments, or play any sports? Do you sew, cook, design, draw, paint, sculpt, garden, or sing? Do you know a lot about politics, history, or science? What are your interests/hobbies? Discover them and show them off!
There is so much more to people than appearances and personalities are not comparable by any means. Sure, you and your friend can both have "good" personalities, but they vary in so many other ways that I'm sure you're overlooking things about yourself that you should take credit for.
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