A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello lovely people :)I am having a little rant here, because I truely do not understand the thinking behind this statement "Let's just be friends".Say you have been on a number of dates over a month or longer, you feel things are going along nicely, there has been some kissing, some touching, but no sex. There has been deep conversation, him cooking lunch for you and plans to meet up again soon.Then you get the email... "I really like you BUT... Lets just be friends. Can we still carry on meeting up and doing things?"I am confused...what happened? I thought it was going really well, with a potential to be something quite exciting. Have I really been reading the signs that badly?Personally, I find this really hurtful. Why carry on dating me if you dont fancy me and want to be in a relationship? This seems to happen to me a lot, men just want to be my friend. Why do men do this? Why ask a woman out for multiple dates if you dont fancy them in a romantic/sexual way? Why lead people on?I am just a bit confused......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Maybe he is letting you down gently. I would say yes to friends, but no to anything beyond. He cannot have it both ways. But my sense is he's trying to end things without saying it outright.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 "Let me translate for you:
"i want to sleep with you but not make a commitment because I'm NOT That into you"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Oh... I posted my original answer before I saw your Followup. I guess this one sure wasn't one of the honest ones after all!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2011):
 "Let's be friends" is less brutal than "I'm not interested."
I'm thinking that he was chasing you for sex, and he didn't want to wait for it. You did the right thing by not going for it, because you were smart enough to realize that sex not the building blocks of a relationship. He didn't want to put the effort into a relationship, and he was looking for the casual sex you weren't interested in giving him.
This is hard to believe, and I know it's easier said than done, but don't take it as personal as it feels. If anything, look at it as you were trying on a pair of shoes, but it didn't fit you. Try not to internalize and say "What was I doing wrong". In truth, what you were doing was RIGHT, and you shook off a guy who wasn't in it for you, but his own hormones.
I'd suggest not continuing to meet him. Move on and look for someone else with a bit more maturity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): He wants to half his cake and eat it. He wont be tied down by you but wants you to be available at his leasure. Yes sex too.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 I think you will find it is purely a polite way of saying "I'm not into you." I wouldn't bother trying to persue things or ask him for reasons, he just didn't want to further things. He may have tried a few dates to see how things would go, or he may have tried for sex but in the end he seems to have gone now. It's sad for you, but now you are free to look at other options. Don't bother with the friends thing, it will drive you nuts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2011):
Well be glad you didn't have sex with him, honestly sex doesn't really change anything. He might have thought well, if we have sex maybe I'll feel something for her. KWIM?
He just wasn't one for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to clarify that he did WANT sex... we had ended up in his bed after getting intimate, but I said no. Because it was too soon and I didn't want to rush things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Well I'm not a man, so I hope you don't mind me giving my opinion on this? :) But assuming we're talking about genuine guys with honest intentions, I think it's less about them leading you on and more about it taking them some time to realise that perhaps you're not quite the sort of girl they're looking for a romantic relationship with. Absolutely nothing you've done wrong of course; by all accounts they've very much enjoyed their time with you judging by the deep conversations, home-cooked lunches etc. But there's something that's not quite there for them: the "spark" that is the difference between mere friendship and something more.
I think it goes for both men and women that when we like someone a lot and want things to work out with them, we'll often give it time to see how it pans out. It's at the point at which we realise that the chemistry simply isn't there that we have to be honest - and that's better for you in the long-run, to tell the truth. Better to find out sooner rather than later that the other person simply isn't feeling it... but of course, I know that always comes as cold comfort!
It sounds cliche, but one day (hopefully sometime soon) you'll meet someone with whom things will click for both you. It's inevitable. For now though, I think you should just enjoy getting to know these guys who come into your life without any expectations. As my great-grandmother used to say "if there are flowers, they will bloom": if it goes anywhere, that's fantastic. But if it doesn't, you'll always have their friendship to cherish – and the knowledge that you're one step closer to finding Mr Right! Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2011):
He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but I think he has come to realize that he just doesn't feel "that" way about you. I think the reason he kept asking you out was because he liked you as a person and was hoping he would feel more of a spark/lust towards you the better he knew you, but I guess he figured it isn't going to happen. Be glad that he did it now instead of stringing you along while he looks for another girl.
Sorry he's just not that into you.
The whole lets be friends is lame, I will give you that. Because 9 out of 10 times they just want to "dump" the other person as gentle as possible hoping that the offer of friendship with make it less hurtful.
I don't think that it is a guy thing only.
Sometimes you end up with a frog.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (16 December 2011):
It sounds to me like he may want a relationship (or sex) without being tied down. If that is what you want fair enough, but in that situation,I myself would feel used. The best thing you can do is ask him what he is suggesting.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 December 2011):
Some people are like that, both guys and girls alike; this issue isn't gender specific. They don't like the idea of committing to a single person, so they enjoy the excitement while it lasts, then pull away so that they keep their options open.
Why they do it is a personal question; some may find some psychological fascination in thinking of themselves as a "player" or a heart breaker. Others may have committment issues that stem from something else, such as lacking the self confidence to fully open up to one person.
Don't take it personally. There are plenty of men out there who don't jump from person to person and would rather have a stable relationship with a kind and caring person.
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