A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got involved with a married man and quickly felt like we had incredibly chemistry. He kept telling me that he feels so connected to me. We met twice , had sex. That part was understood. But now the chase is over. After the second time, he seems to be distance. No more good morning texts, no more flirty texts during the day. I am not looking for a commitment from him. I just thought we both were attracted to each other and wanted a friends with benefits relationship. He has no idea I feel this way, he probably thinks I haven't even noticed. But from the way he acted when we first met to Sunday the last time we met up is pretty much a different person. Funny thing is I found out he just got married in June this year. The moment he got back from his honeymoon , he decided to cheat. He told me he was married for 6 years. Anyway, doesn't matter. I just had the urge to tell his wife, obviously I can justify it a million ways but it's just out of revenge. I know all the reasons not to. But why do I feel I should just do it and let her decide who she married. And no, I do not want him for my own, it's not at all like that. I am with someone but he has some limitation sexually leading me to seek a sexual encounter outside. Ok I know I asked for it, the onslaught of hate.
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flirt, friend with benefits, married man, revenge, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): "Get help, because you could do so much better than some rotten bottom-feeding cheater whose wife has no idea of the hell she's about to be in because of him."
In this case the OP is also a rotten-bottom feeding cheater, whose partner, apparently, has no idea of the hell that he is about to be in.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): He probably just found another person to cheat on his wife with. You should tell your partner and his wife has the right to know. Hopefully if you seriously do the right tjing now and live with the consequences of your actions you won't do it again. Being a cheater is a vicious cycle for all involved. I'm not trying to sound preachy as I have done similar things but that's what happened to me and seeing it all unfold and how much pain and destruction it causes will make you think twice the next time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): Sounds like you were a fling. He didn't even have the respect for you to give you honest answers. Sadly you just did something really horrible. So did he. And now your probably going to get hurt by him too. Once Once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe he is with someone else behind your back too already.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2014):
 You know, I fully agree with YouWish.
It seems EASIER for people to "hate" on the OW/OM than the MARRIED CHEATING BASTARD, but I don't.
I DO feel a sense of disdain that ANYONE (single or not) thinks it's OK to get involved emotionally and sexually with someone they KNOW is married, and then when it turns sour they want to tell the WIFE/HUSBAND because the WIFE needs to know what kind of man she is married to. THEN they feel "pity" for the wife. It's just a little LATE for that.
However, you are refreshing, because you are honest. You say you want revenge. The thing is, I don't think you really get that the ONE getting hurt will be the wife. Even if she will now know what kind of sleaze she married.
I have to say, this guy had you pegged from day one. He saw someone he could manipulate into some NSA sex and then walk away. ALL he had to do was talk a LOT of game. He either GREW some morals or a conscience (I seriously doubt that but it's a possibility) and decided that cheating on his wife is NOT the way to build a strong marriage, or he just wanted to dip his wick and move on to the next chick.
Living better is a MUCH better revenge than hurting an "innocent bystander". Which means you block the crap out of him so he CAN NOT contact you again and then you move on. YOU find your own happiness and hopefully LEARN from this. Thinking that you can have a uncomplicated sexual relationship with a MARRIED guy.... is stupid. And it's sad, that a women thinks so little of herself that she is willing to roll in the gutter with some slimey married guy.
WANT more for yourself. Even if you JUST want NSA/FWB find a single dude to "play" with.
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A
male
reader, Hawkeye0060 +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I believe that you know WHO he is but you haven't discovered who you are. Really what is in the way here for you is your need to get revenge. My father told me of a time when he got on an elevator in Philadelphia and faced his best friend's wife and a lover from an afternoon session. They looked at each other, did not acknowledge each other and he never said a word to her or her husband. Now that's class. I am surprised that you would even want to get "even" with this guy. You know sooner or later he is going to get caught. Remember miss goodie two shoes, you are as much to blame as he is. Get over yourself and your self-serving loathing and just keep moving on. The blame is on you. He knows what a jerk he is.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2014):
 So what is your question here?? I didn't see any plea for advice, and given your last sentence, it's almost like you NEED a straight talk and you're wanting the onslaught of hate.
I won't hate you, though I despise cheaters. However, unless you're married, you're not the cheater. You're the ACCESSORY to cheating...the ACCOMPLICE. The world has it backwards to put 100% of the hate on the "other women" because the one who deserves the onslaught of hate is the guy who cheated.
You knew what you were getting into. You wanted a thrill of the illicit, and it's a shot to the ego to steal a guy who belongs to someone else as far as vows are concerned. He pursued you, got what he wanted, and discarded you.
The problem now is that you have next to zero self-esteem. You wanted this guy to prove to your ego that you could get him to cheat. You wanted something illicit because you wouldn't have to actually open yourself up emotionally to him. And he dropped you, leaving you in a worse state than you were when you started with him.
The only thing I can tell you is - if this experience has put it into your soul never to look at a married man ever again, then it's a lesson learned. If this experience has made you regurgitate at the thought of a married guy lying to his wife and hurting her and her kids and that you would rather tongue kiss a dung heap than to let a guy like that touch you, then it's a lesson learned.
But you should go back further and address the root cause of your recklessness. You should talk to someone professional, because I sense you used this relationship to self-medicate, and you have self-loathing now that you were half-hoping we'd jump on.
Get help, because you could do so much better than some rotten bottom-feeding cheater whose wife has no idea of the hell she's about to be in because of him.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 September 2014):
 No judgment here, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the chase is over. The flirty texts, the attention, the talk about connection - that was all effort on his part to get you to overlook the fact that he has a wife and you have a boyfriend and hop into bed with him anyway. Now that he's gotten what he wanted there's no reason for him to keep that act up.
Don't take it personally. You know this guy lies to his wife, but she's stuck with him. Luckily for you, you are free to walk away from him and never look back. And if he's already lying to you (how long he's been married, etc.) that is absolutely your best course of action. Sharing the best man in the world with another woman would still be a terrible challenge; no reason whatsoever to go through that kind of heartache for a guy who's clearly a jerk.
That said, unless your current partner has given his okay to an open relationship in which you see others, I think you owe it to both of you to part ways gracefully and seek out someone who can offer you the sexual fulfillment that's missing in your current relationship. Human libido is a wildly variable thing, and you could easily find a partner who wants more sex and be faithful to that person, just as he could easily find a woman who wants a relationship but doesn't mind (or even prefers) infrequent sex and is able to remain faithful to him despite his limitations. Sex is a huge part of compatibility in a relationship and at age 30-35 your sex drive is unlikely to disappear anytime soon.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): So basically you are a cheater- I don't see the reason you mentioned justifying it at all, you met a married man, saw him twice and had sex for a fwb. Now that he has dumped you, you want to tell his wife to be vindictive. You didn't even have a relationship with him, you had sex with a stranger who you texted a bit that is all. And you are a cheater who is also harming someone else's relationship so you have no moral high ground to tell his wife which you admit, it would only be for spite, not to warn her about her husband.If you are for real I think you need a reality check and some counseling. This isn't about an onslaught of hate from others, this is about your relationship with yourself as a human being. There are plenty of horny men out there who are single and available who will be your fwb if that is all you want. That still won't make it right what you're doing to your partner who is unaware of your cheating and who probably thinks you two are happy and you are faithful.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 No hate here. You are in a situation no one wishes to be in and for some reason you decide to stick with the one who can't satisfy you sexually.
Your married lover has gone cold and you have taken it too personally. You may have thought he got what he wanted and is moving on. You feel used. From his side it's probably that he had feelings for you and it's hard for him to carry on. He distanced himself to cool down. Maybe all the flings he had were meaningless and cheap but with you he felt something there. Yes, exciting regular sex is always good, but as long as he does not fall in love, then it's agony. He knows he won't go there.
I would not tell his wife. Some woman on here posted similar stories. She did what you hesitated to do. The result was that the wife was not surprised and stayed married to him. You may have imagined a whole scenario in your head that won't match with the reality and what his wife is really like.
Don't fool yourself, a friends with benefits is a kind of commitment. Texting you regularly is a kind of commitment. Otherwise it's just fuck buddies. Even with fwbs it's not something to get upset over about. When one man doesn't work you can find a whole pond of fish out there who can meet your needs. Of all the men, it's better to choose divorced men, lonely single men, hunky college boys, open swingers over married ones. It doesn't make sense to pick a married one then tell on him on his wife when things don't go as expected.
I am never one to advocate cheating but if people tell you to leave your boyfriend you probably won't listen.
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