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anonymous
writes:Hello - I'm not actually having a problem myself, but my brother-in-law (I'll call him Sam) is and my husband and I would like to help. Sam is about to turn 21 and drinks every chance he gets since going away to college. Over the past few years, he has gotten in trouble quite frequently and has had to pay the consequences - thousands of dollars in fines, community service, women's groups coming after him for his womanizing behavior, crashing his car from driving drunk... Now he's about to be kicked off campus for instigating a fight involving about 10 students.Sam realizes that he has a problem, is always upset that he's getting into trouble, but doesn't seem to want to stop his drinking. When he's not drunk - he is so nice, smart and easy going.His mother is worried sick, but lives far away from his college to really do anything. His father doesn't even know about his problems because he has high blood pressure and a temper that might give him a heart attack if he heard the news - no joke. My husband and I live down the street from his campus - what can we do to help him? He may already end up living with us next year (his final year) because his school is in the process of getting him kicked out of college housing.Sam's behavior is not only harming himself, but it is impacting his family -- and what if he drives drunk again and/or really hurts someone?!Thanks in advance for any advice!
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male
reader, johnw  +, writes (31 May 2007):
my brother in law is in a life threatning mess lost all will to live lost his job through drink lost his family lost his driving licence just lies in bed all day with a bottle or cans of beer dont wash dont eat is incontinant the house is a tip excriment all over the bedroom and a horrible smell throughout the house. Gets up goes to the shop smelling terribly just to buy beer or vodka.We have even called the emergency services and admitted him into hospital for about 10 days but after a few days he was back to his ways as worse as ever. Its killing my wife who is his sister just watching him be like this he has always been throughout his life a very smart handsome man.We are at our wits end not knowing what to do to help him as all he keeps saying that he is dealing with it but we know he will be dead within a very short time if he carries on like he is.
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Sorry...one other thing you mentioned was about his friends...since you are going to talk with the school and see if they have any free help there, which they actually might have some AA meetings held there, I would ask if they know personally any of the students who have actually "turned their life around". It might even help if whomever would be willing, and they usually are, to just have a "talk" with no pressure and let him tell his story to him. You are right though, he needs to get away from those that have an influence on him. He might relate better to someone his own age. Just a thought...
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (23 April 2007):
Almost 2 months ago, my nephew of 22 crashed his mothers car. He flew off the highway and turned the car over several times and then hit a tree. The car was upside down for so long and eventually they called the jaws of life out to cut the hood off and fly him by helicopter to the hospital. He is doing fine believe it or not. Has he learned anything yet? We do not know. This is not the first time. He had problems in high school, the law, and all dealing with alcohol and pot. His mom has done everything and then some. And I know about the money and how expensive it can be with all that has happened, fines, you name it. I have talked to my sister many times, and I hope it has finally sunk in...they have to hit rock bottom if there is ever going to be a change. And we will never know what the rock bottom will be. I personally do not think my nephew is ready to change. I just feel it. I was once married to an alcoholic and I know and understand all about the pain, the finances, everything. What I will say is this...mean what you say, and you will need to use some tough love, no matter how hard it is just do it. You can introduce him to AA, which there is THE one book about it OR better yet, find out where some meetings are held in the area and let him know what time they start and where. You can not make him, but you will have introduced him to these findings of help AND he must make the decision on his own. I know you love him, just like I love my nephew, but you must be strong, mean what you say, set your rules and he must abide my them. He's not a baby anymore and something tells me he probably has been pampered enough. If you do plan on taking him in to your home, I don't know about the other book that was mentioned, but there are also several Alanon books for the famiies of AA children/adults. Might want to pick up one for yourself and his mom, it actually might be very beneficial for her. I do wish him luck and will pray that he to will have the desire to want to quit and make a change in his life. God Bless and Good Luck to your family!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys - thank you so much for responding.
I will definitly look into those Allen Carr books, Cha.
And both of you are right -- perhaps the direct approach is the best way to do this.
My husband and I, after looking over your answers, are thinking we will try to convince him to seek counseling. We hope that there will be someone on campus that he could see for free. I just hope he doesn't think we're attacking him or anything.
Another thing I forgot to mention - not sure if it's too relevant since he has to want to help himself as you said -is that he is on a sports team full of guys who drink a lot (I'm surprised they're actually sober when playing by the way Sam talks about them). While the exercise Sam gets from playing on the team is great, the influence of the other guys' lifestyles is not. Sam is a follower and will cave into peer pressure extremely fast. I don't think we can get him to quit the team, though, although it would be a wise move...
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reader, Dr. Mark  +, writes (18 April 2007):
There isn't much to add after chachacha's excellent answer. She has pointed out the truth that only an alcoholic can help himself. The only thing you can do it tell him he has a problem. Hopefully he will recongize it sooner, rather than later, after messing up his own and other's lives with him.
The danger of looking after an alcoholic is that you can become a co-dependent. You end up a slave to it as much as him. You need to recognize that he has made choices for himself, and he must face responsibility on his own. Never ever bail him out.
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female
reader, chachacha +, writes (18 April 2007):
Only the person who has a drink problem can get themselves out of it. First they have to recognise that they have a problem, then they have to want to change, then they have to get help to change.
As he is young, it sounds like he hasn't yet really realised that he has a problem - young people think crashing cars and getting kicked off campus is all a lark - egged on by those stupid movies showing mayhem at college. But is it not a lark, he is establishing a pattern of behaviour which will ruin his life, if he has not ruined it already.
You could try telling him, very very directly, that he has a drink problem and that he is ruining his life and that you would like him to get help. You never know, that might work - or it might not, and he might have a huge row and totally avoid you in future. That is a risk you might want to take.
You could get him some books about alcohol abuse - the Allen Carr book How to Control Your Drinking is a good one; or a fun book: How to give up alcohol for a month; and there are loads of others, look in a book shop.
Regarding him living with you, think carefully about this. You might want him to go into a drying out clinic over the summer before he comes as a condition of putting him up. You may need counselling and support yourself to deal with it. But if he comes to stay you should make it clear that you WILL NOT TOLERATE his drinking. If he drinks, you should kick him out, even if it makes him homeless. It is the "kindness" of people who provide free lodging for alcoholics which allows those people to continue being alcoholics, because they are not required to take any responsibility. Tell him that he is not to drink and that you will have no hesitation asking him to leave if he does, and then carry it through.
Good luck! It may be that your conditions and your words will give him a shock and knock him out of it - I do hope so, for your sake.
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