A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I would just like some perspective. I am aware I sometimes make mountains out of mole hills but I think on this problem, Im justified in being upset.My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. Back in October he decided to look up and befriend this girl on facebook. Normally this wouldnt be an issue but it turns out that this particular girl, a coworker, he was flirting with at work and a manager threatened to file a sexual harassment suit against him for what he said to her. I got pretty upset that he looked her up and starting talking to her outside of work, even if it was only over facebook. He also had been doing this will a ton of his ex girlfriends so I had had enough of this behavior.We fought, nearly broke up because I told him I wouldnt tolerate him acting this way anymore, went through a real rough spot. I thought after a few months we had resolved this issue and moved past it.Well he came home Friday from work and finally told me what had been bothering him the past few weeks. She contacted him this time and wanted to be friends again. He was asking me for permission, something I felt was ridiculous because he clearly knows the answer and also, he doesnt need permission, he should respect how I feel on his own. Anyway its been a rough weekend and he looks at it as im this controlling person who has no business being upset who he is friends with. I agree to a certain extent but I feel when you flirt with someone at work and it nearly gets you in a big trouble, you shouldnt seek a relationship with that person outside of work if you are already in a committed relationship, even if its as 'harmless' as facebook.Am I being crazy and controlling or do I have reason to be upset with this? I know its just facebook but I still feel its very disrespectful to our relationship. He claims its no big deal and it doesnt matter to him but it clearly matters to me. It dont understand why, if it isnt a big deal to him, he is willing to cause me so much anguish over it. I dont want to be crazy and have him resent me but I dont know how to be cool with him and her being friends, esp considering they have a whole lot of similar interests.Any advice?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 May 2011):
Hi there. Why does he need to be friends with this woman if he works with her? That seems rather ridiculous, don't you think?
It seems like behind him asking you this, that there might be more to it than just being "friends" as he calls it.
I'd be a bit suspicious of his actions also, if I was in your position.
Perhaps you could just go along with it and act as if you don't really care about it. Well, pretend at least.
And if it comes to the point where he says one night that he is going out after work, so will be late home, you could just not be there when he gets home.
I don't think you said whether you actually live together or live with your parents.
If you do live together, you could do what I suggested above, and if you live with your parents, well then just make yourself a little bit unavailable to him.
If he asks you to go out somewhere with him, just politely decline, saying something like - "I'm sorry, but I can't, I have something on tonight," then don't say anything more about it (in other words, give no details).
If he says - "Where are you going?" - you say - "Just out, that's all."
Then what you do, is actually go out - even if you have to drive around in the car for a few hours, or go see a friend, just for long enough to not be there when he arrives home.
He won't be expecting you to say that, as you would probably never say no to him. So it will surprise him.
It could be that he is taking you for granted a bit, so he needs to know that he can't do that.
You have to demand better for yourself.
And to do this, you need to show him - in your actions - that you won't let him mistreat you in any way.
Remember, actions speak louder than words.
When you change your behaviour - by being a little unpredictable - he will then be forced to change his also.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Your concerns are valid in my opinion. Courting a friendship with another woman he was clearly attracted to shows very poor judgment and will only lead to greater temptation.He IS correct in that you cannot legislate what he says and does and with whom. Instead of TELLING him what he can't or shouldn't do tell him what YOU will do. You can inform him that he is free to do what he thinks is best BUT his actions will influence the choices you make for the future. Don't offer any further explanations. You won't need to. He'll understand perfectly. If he chooses to pursue a friendship with this woman anyway then you'll know exactly where you stand with him.
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