A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to start, other than to say simply -- I'm conflicted.I have been with the same person for four and a half years, since I was 17 and he was 18. I was his first serious relationship, and we were each other's first loves. But he has another love -- attention!He craves attention from other women, to the extent that he has told other women that we were broken up when we weren't, simply to get the attention from them. The first time he did this he actually did think we broke up, it was our first fight a year and a half into our relationship. He told two girls we broke up, and I didn't find out he told them until six months later when one of them asked him in front of me "Isn't that your ex gf?" I immediately was freaked by that, told him I needed space, yadda yadda. He was so apologetic he had written a very long apology inside a novelty x-large card, and promised to be open about things in the future. Around our third year, he told a friend that we broke up. I had been busy with exams and a ridiculous work schedule, he was feeling neglected, not ok but I understood. It took a while, but we dealt with that too.Now it has happened a third time, and I'm devastated. This was with a stranger, who had been flirting with him. He told her he was in an "on-and-off" relationship that was off at that time. They chatted, he got an ego boost, and then she made it obvious she wanted a relationship so he backed off and panicked... but he never admitted that he was in fact in a relationship and that we were not broken up at all in the time frame. I had found out, he didn't originally confess, and this time I have broken up with him. He's not even doing anything to fix things, he hasn't told anyone we have broken up, he is just acting like nothing has happened. I get the feeling he just figures I'll get over it; and I'm not sure he's wrong. I do want this to work. Honestly, I want to know what steps we should take to fix this, I don't feel I should give up on someone and walk away. Nothing has happened with other girls physically.He has read up on strategies to avoid this in the future, such as consistency in our relationship, being more open with me (which led to him also confessing that early on in our relationship he had also sent and received naked pictures with a female friend of his...) but other than the one time he told me he researched this, and that he talked things through with me it's as if nothing has happened for him.I want this to work, and I can't explain why other than to say over all he is a great guy, he's kind, patient with me, would drop anything he's doing to could help me if I ever needed him for anything at all (honestly!). The worst I could say about him is that he does seek attention from other women, and he's not a very ambitious person. All of my family and friends love him, we know everything about each other, and I simply can't picture my future without him.This has been the thorn in this ex-relationship for a month now, and I'm just floundering for what to do, what to think, I need an outside opinion, or several.
View related questions:
ambition, broke up, ex girlfriend, flirt, nude pictures Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your well thought answers, and for taking the time.k_c100, that is exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly what I would tell anyone in my situation; it's just hard to see it in myself. It's hard to think that it's just not going to work out how I hoped.Sugarplum786, you're absolutely right, I am always the one patching things up, and I just can't anymore. He won't change, and I really don't expect him to spontaneously fight for this now, considering he hasn't to this point.I really needed objective opinions, not someone to tell me it's all his fault, or that we'll be back together because we've always been together, which is all I got from my friends -- it's hard for them because many of my friends have only ever known me in a relationship. So thank you again, for the help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): I am a bit older than you, but I am with a divorced man right now and I have noticed that he needs to have the attention of other women.He will try and draw attention to himself if he sees a pretty woman in his eye range and will make some kind of dramatic fuss or talk loudly enough so that the other woman will notice him.In a check out lane there was a pretty young woman behind us. He made sure to put the bar between our stuff being checked out and hers, but he did it in such an obvious way. She noticed of course and she said thank you. I checked his behavior and I could easily see that it was an ego boost for him. That is all it is an ego boost. He needs to know that he still has got it.My fear is one of these woman might act on his actions since he is sending out signals to other women, such as has happened in your case.Also, the man I am with appears to still be looking for another and is not settled or happy with me in some way. The same is holding true for the guy you were with.As hurtful as it is, you did the wise thing by breaking up with him.I would not go back to him. I would move on, Give yourself some time to heal.I would cease all contact with him. Block him from your cell phone, drop him from any social media sites. That sounds drastic, I know, but you need mend and you need to get on with your own life.Also, learn from this. He has "lied" to you, flirted with other women. He isn't ready to be with just one person yet.I'm glad that you have stood up for your own values. Never compromise your values for someone else to stay in a relationship.Trust me, there is someone out there that will cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and with the respect that you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 There are 2 issues at play here, and I'm sorry to say but I honestly dont see a solution to this.
1. The age you both were when you got together, and being 'first loves'. He has never had the chance to play the field, he settled down young and has never had the chance to have fun with other girls. That doesnt mean he doesnt love you, he just missed out on what a lot of other guys his age have already done. So regardless of how much you love each other, and how hard you try and make it work - as long as you are together he will always know that he has never had fun with other girls, it has only ever been you, and he will always wonder what else is out there. This is very common for 'first loves', and it smacks of immaturity. You cannot make your boyfriend more mature, and unless you break up he cannot go out and have fun with other girls and get it out of his system.
So to be perfectly honest, your immature boyfriend will always want this attention from other girls because he has only ever had attention from you, and you will never be enough because he settled down too young and never had his fun - that desire to be young and single was suppressed and this is his way of letting it out.
2. He is emotionally cheating on you and you are in effect a 'doormat', allowing it to happen time and time again. You said yourself, he thinks you will just 'get over it'. He knows you are weak, he knows you love him no matter what he does and he knows he can get away with whatever he wants.
Just because nothing physical ever happened with these girls does not make it ok - he is building emotional bonds with these girls to the point where these girls fall for him and want to be in a relationship with him. This isnt just a bit of harmless flirting to get attention, he is clearly building bonds with them otherwise they wouldnt want a relationship with him. If he just met a random girl one day, flirted and then that was the end of it, the random girl would not be able to decide if she wants a relationship with someone after 1 chance meeting and a bit of flirting. If these girls want relationships, then it shows he is talking to them over extended periods of time, building their hopes up making them think he likes them a lot. That is called an emotional affair - regardless of whether he wants to go through with the 'relationship' or not, he is still building emotional bonds with other women, spending time with them and talking to them over extended periods of time, lying to them to make them like him more and lying to you pretending none of this is going on.
So here you have a disastrous combination:
1. A girl who is weak and lets her boyfriend get away with anything - he knows there are no consequences to his bad behaviour, he can keep treating you badly and you wont do anything about it
2. A boy who is immature
3. A boy who never got to have his fun when he was young and settled down too early for his level of maturity
4. A boy who loves female attention and will do anything to get it
5. A boy who lies and has emotional affairs
I honestly dont believe there are any 'steps' you can take to fix this. You have allowed this to happen far too often so he will never believe you if you tell him 'if you ever do that again I'll walk away'. He wouldnt believe you and he would just try harder to keep it secret.
He is too immature to be able to commit to you properly, he lies too often for you to ever trust him and deep down he clearly just wants to go out and play the field but he is just too scared to be single because you are all he's ever known.
The damage is already done, and I dont think there is any reversing it. All you can do really is stick with it and if it happens again walk away - you cannot change him I'm afraid and I dont think he is mature enough to become the man you want him to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Hi, it has not happened but there is always the risk that if he continues to behave in this manner something may happen.
Are you not enough for him? I must admit I have been there where I end the relationship and end up the one trying to patch things. Yeah its stupid, as he ends up taking advantage of my weakness.
I suggest you hold strong and let him fight for the relationship. If he does not then you know he will not change.
You need to decide, if you go back to him he will not change, if he fights for threlationship, he is willing to try and chnage.
...............................
|
