A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My new boyfriend of almost 5 month has been suffering from ptsd i knew this when we first got together , he decided to be open tonight and told me a shocking secret he had kept from me , he admitted he sometimes smokes weed to help him relax and sleep because of all the ' flashbacks ' of army life. i have never smelt it on him or seen it anywhere at his home . i am very against drugs . we had been talking about moving in together and starting a family but tonight i said no . He has said he will stop and i told him he has to go to the doctors to get help there and not use rubbish. he has volunteered to do monthly and random drug tests as and when i ask . has anyone ever been in this situation and how did they get through it ? do i give him so long or just end it , which id feel unfair doing as i havent given him a chance to sort himself out .
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 October 2017):
 I agree OP, weed affects people differently. Because our brains and genetic are different (if only slightly) from each other.
Of course these days the amount of THC is different in CONTROLLED grown pot/weed than homegrown from questionable seeds/plants.
I think it's GREAT that you want to try and understand how PTSD affects people and what to do about it - but again - EACH person with PTSD is different. Just like how the situations they went through are different.
The thing with wartime PTSD is that there IS no cure for it. There is only learning to manage the symptoms. Masking it with drugs (legal or not legal) isn't a cure but a band-aid to cover up the symptoms. A VERY useful band-aid for some. I can absolutely understand why some veterans choose pot. Unfortunately, it's NOT legal where you live and it's NOT legal for (American Veterans either) due to the LACK of REAL studies on how it affects people dealing with these kinds of traumas.
I think if he feels pot/weed can help him and does help him, then HE ISN'T a good match for you. Your priority is to keep your kids safe and your home drug-free.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2017): im the op . No i dont know how bad it is to have ptsd and hopefully i never will . But im trying to understand him so i can be there for him . I have stated my reason to why i hate drugs . Id rather he didnt self medicate theres a lot more than drugs and pills to help him manage , so if this makes me selfish trying to understand him and find better legal route then so be it. just because one person had an unfortunate experience ( how else do i word it ) doesnt mean another person will. My neighbour is on drugs he grows weed and sells it hes paranoid to hell and even threatens me , i dont take his crap but i also know i cant argue with someone whos not right in the head and yes the police dont care . It affects people in different ways. ive read a few things and one of them staes weed helps them relax but isnt 100 % proved to help with ptsd . People can be hypnotised as a method that can be looked into at least thats a better legal long term option over ILLEGAL drugs
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2017): Weed really helps those with PTSD.It is a medically proven fact.So if you send him to the doctor they will more than likely put him on pills.Have you ever seen those advertisements for all those pills on TV? May cause headaches...liver faliure..convolutons...even death.Would you rather have him on a drug from the doctor that kills him?There are no dangerous side affects from weed.Maybe you should break up.As someone who had a stroke from dangerous pills from the doctor I will never go back on pills again. People I know on weed do so much better.But ok only think of yourself...let him smoke if it helps...you have no idea how bad PTSD can be.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2017):
 Curious how the people who suggests you to relax your stance
on drugs seems to forget that cannabis is a class B illegal drug in Uk, and its commerce / trafficking is punished with up to 14 years in jail, while even simple possession can land for up to 5 years in yje slammer,and unlimited fine.
I may agree about the fact that " illegal " does not necessarily mean " immoral" , yet , call me a wuss, but if I had children at home I would not risk having them seeing stepdad carried away in shackles and the house searched and mom in court charged with allowing consumption on her premises.
Heck, no Rolling Stones fans around ? Nobody remembers the Redlands bust in 1967 ? Keith Richards got one year for allowing cannabis to be smoked in his home,( spent a few uncomfortable days in Wormwood Scrubs before being let out on bail ) . Yes, later his sentence was quashed on appeal, - but he was super-rich, famous, popular, could hire the best lawyer in UK , zillions of fans behind him, ergo a direct intervention from the Lord Chief Justice in person, to extricate humself from trouble. Of course this was long time ago... too bad that later on drug laws got STRICTER.
Would Lord Chief Justice intervene for you, OP ?
I know I am sounding very old school here, but- if you have got children, better being too prudent than not enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2017):
OP, I see nothing wrong in your stance on drugs.
If drugs (and weed is included in this according to the laws of the land) is something you want nothing to do with then I suggest HE might not BE someone for you.
I absolutely GET that pot/weed can HELP many people with various issues but you are in a position to decide if you want you and your kids to be AROUND a pot/weed user or not. As a MOM that is for you to decide.
He can STILL get busted for using it and if he lives with you, how would that affect you and your family?
I think HE ought to focus on dealing with his PTSD. I get that pot/weed get help Veterans but when it comes to this he (and so many other pot/weed users) aren't thinking how it MAY affect those around them.
I think it's a GOOD thing he told you BEFORE you two got as far as moving in together.
Like I said earlier, I would REFUSE to be his "parole officer" who gives him drug tests. That shouldn't be your job as a partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): I am the op , i am not being totally strict with him . i have children from a previous relationship and i have read up on some things , in the uk drugs are illegal . if the doctor prescribed it to him then that would be totally different but as far as im aware doctors dont do that over here ive not heard that they do. i am reading up on things so i can understand him better. i said to him to go the doctors and not self medicate as i think itd be a better option. i may have come across as strict but he told me the info and he told me he would do a drugs test when ever i wanted i never demanded it from him. i have total respect for him being in the army and know ptsd doesnt just go away. from the bit of info i have read so far ( lots more to read ) it said weed doesnt help in the long run . i used to live next to a drug dealer i saw , smelt and had to deal with a lot of crap from it . not nice when my house was being mistaken for his and his ' customers ' even walked into my home with my children witnessing this that is one main reason why im against them .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): I would think twice about having a child with this man if his use of weed could lead to birth defects.
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male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (20 October 2017):
As secrets go it's pretty low on my list of priorities. I realise that until relatively recently Marijuana has been a taboo, but in reality it's a far far less dangerous way to self medicate than the more socially acceptable drugs such as alcohol or even some prescription drugs. As a former soldier myself I have seen the damage self medication with alcohol can do to men,but far more acutely to families. Ask yourself who this man is actually harming with his marijuana. I would say you'll struggle to answer. If you look at recent medical studies,formerly illegal psycho active drugs are now working miracles with mind- wounded servicemen,including LSD and MDMA. If this man is a good man who treats you well, respects you and values you and your idiosyncrasies, I would say live and let live. This man needs support living with the things he has seen and not some knee jerk reaction to harmless drugs that have never been known to have killed anyone. Ask yourself why you 'hate drugs'. They are not banned by any holy book (although alcohol is), they are unlawful because some man said they should be long ago. Morality should be supported by being able to see the harm or hurt caused by the behaviour. In his case I see only the mitigation of harm. PTSD causes anger,fear,paranoia,hyper vigilance, insomnia and occasionally violence. Thank your lucky stars your man has none of these and reconsider your unsophisticated reaction to a harmless tonic to a horrible complicated condition. By all means encourage his to seek help, but don't stop him doing something that helps him now. Our comfortable lives believe that there is a perfect fix to everything. This man has experienced things there are no easy fixes to, so put your judgment aside and try to understand more. Good luck. Xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): First, educate yourself on what PTSD is. Your lack of compassion and self-righteousness comes from the lack of knowledge and misunderstanding.
It's good that you're rigid on your stance about drugs. However; there is also such thing as medically-prescribed marijuana; and you should update yourself about that, and how many people benefit medically from its use.
First reading the title of your post; I assumed you were going to tell us that he was a convict, or a sex-offender. Instead, he is a man who sacrificed for his country; and came clean about something that is very important for you to know.
I don't think your relationship has a good prognosis; based on your regimental attitude and decision to make yourself the morals-police in his life.
He will suffer the PTSD for the rest of his life. Daily functioning and adjustment is a challenge. It takes someone special to be with someone like the man you've met.
Had he written to us first; I would have advised him to dump you, and to find someone who is more understanding and better educated on what he is going through. A veteran suffering from PTSD needs someone strong and prepared to deal with his symptoms; and knowledgeable of the effects of war on our soldiers and sailors who protect us. Provided he or she is proactive in seeking available treatment; and maintaining their traumatic disorders. To be sure those around him/her are safe; and that he/she is safe as well.
Too many have committed suicide; or may have hurt others, and/or themselves. The use of marijuana calms, improves appetite, and also helps with the side-effects of other medications. A woman I know is now on chemo-therapy, and I know it helps her.
I am a veteran. Proud of it! I have also worked in the healthcare field treating veterans who were victims of war injuries, disfigurement, and irreversible psychological-impairment. Work in a Veteran's Hospital for awhile. It will change your attitude. For their sake, I find your attitude very hurtful! I do realize you just need to learn more about it.
He isn't using it for recreational purposes. I personally know people suffering not only from cancer; but other painful diseases who have been prescribed medical-marijuana. They stopped it's usage as soon as it was no longer necessary. Yet to see them able to function and live more comfortably, I would never want it taken from them.
Considering people are dying from the abuse of prescribed opioids for pain, or addiction from over-prescription; I would advocate the use of medically-prescribed marijuana based on the knowledge of how it is helping people who mean very much to me. Veterans I know who have to; because life is very difficult due to their trauma and flashbacks, from a time and place you couldn't even begin to imagine what they've been through.
Drug-testing??? You can't be serious!!! He must really care for you to submit to your demands. I just don't see him sticking around for the long-run. He's only trying to prove that it isn't an addiction, or used for casual reasons. I hope he doesn't have to suffer for your selfish benefit, or to prove anything to you!
Maybe coming to us is proof that you may feel some doubt about your reaction; and perhaps were looking for a better understanding. I hope as many people chime-in as possible in the event you don't like my advice; but they can explain more to your liking.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 October 2017):
To add a little food for thought, here is an article about weed and PTSD.
http://bigthink.com/christina-brown-fisher/medical-marijuana-supporters-advocate-for-better-access-to-treat-ptsd-in-veterans
While I myself is not a fan of weed/pot and would never use it. I have seen POSITIVE uses off it, in people with chronic pain, terminal illnesses. I think the biggest issue is there is LITTLE research into WHAT happens when people with SERIOUS mental issues use it. Someone suffering from PTSD would definitely go in that category. In the US it IS classified as an illegal drug and thus VETERANS cannot be prescribed it by doctors. NOT if they are under the care of VA (VA = Veteran Affairs) so a study like this is unlikely to happen anytime soon.
How things work in the UK, I can not say.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 October 2017):
 I wonder where you have been since the 60s. Sorry you aren't old enough to have passed through those years. I think your boyfriend is finding a way to cope with the ordeal he has been through. He probably is suffering because he did his duty for the things we in UK believe. Every soldier is injured.
I am a little concerned at your blanket dismissal of drugs. I am not going to get on a soapbox but I think you need to broaden your outlook.
Lack of education is as bad in users as in non-users. Are your convictions about drug taking faith-based, or is it something else?
As the other aunts said, there is a load of information out there. If I were you I would try and learn a little more before throwing your man out with the bath water. There is a Youtube link to three grandmas smoking weed for the first time. It is very endearing. It might calm your fears.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 October 2017):
 I totally understand your stand against drugs but you may want to do a bit of your own research into the benefits of cannabis before judging your boyfriend. He is not asking YOU to use it but he finds it beneficial for HIM. After decades of denial, even the pharmaceutical industry is finally admitting that cannabis has its uses and benefits. Try googling "pharma admits cannabis kills cancer" or "cannabis helps with ptsd". Lots of information out there if you care to look for it, much backed up by genuine research.
If you are adamant that you cannot tolerate it, then it may be best to finish with your boyfriend now as you will always be suspicious and he will always be trying to prove his "innocence".
If he is so special that you have been thinking about a long term future together, surely it must be worth spending a bit of time getting more informed before making a decision.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 October 2017):
For people with war-time PTSD to look to drink or drugs is not uncommon. Many feel it's an easier way to numb how they feel, it's self-medication rather than having to deal with doctors and therapists - AND... the stigma of having mental issues. I think (this is a guess though) that MEN are far less likely to seek help and would rather self-medicate.
While I generally think 5 months is a TAD early for thinking about living together, I think it was GOOD that he brought this up BEFOREHAND. I think it's a sign of a person who wants to be in your life.
I definitely think it would be a mistake to AGREE to "giving him" drug tests every month or randomly. I don't think that should rest on you to "keep" him in line.
Did he suggest drug tests instead of him seeing a doctor/counselor/therapist?
Because that I think would be pointless. He obviously has horrible flashbacks quitting weed won't change how he feels.
If you feel you should give him another chance, then give him 6 months (or however long you feel is right) to get STARTED on working on himself through the medical profession and not through self-medication.
One thing to consider, people with PTSD often suffer in silence without realizing that THEIR suffering is like throwing a pebble in a lake, the rings spread to those closeby and over time further away.
Ther is no real "cure" for PTSD, there is learning how to manage it though.
I think it's entirely up to you what your next step should be. Living with a partner with war-time PTSD myself, I know it's not something you can choose to have but in your case (unlike my own) it's something you can choose to NOT get in deeper with, or chose to accept and support to the best of your abilities. I just strongly urge you to NOT agree to be his "parole officer" who does drug tests on him.
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