A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just trying to understand where my boyfriend is coming from.When he came to see me yesterday he was mentioning seeing two women together. How he was thinking about why men would find it appealing. He said that men like to see women climax. And that being able to make two women climax would be an ego boost. I was not sure why he mentioned it out of the blue. He said it was a passing thought. I asked him if he is looking for me to want to do this in real life. Me with him and another woman. He said it isn't on his bucket list and that unless it was my idea he would not entertain the possibility. He said I had to be comfortable with it or he would run the risk that I would resent him for it and possibly end our relationship. I became upset with him because he did mention it. I said to him I am worried that he is tiring of me, is bored or seeking out new sexual fantasies. We have been together 2.5 years and the sex has always been amazing. He goes on about how good I am in bed and that nobody could ever compare to me. So why mention this? I also have heard that men who think about girl with girl are secretly hoping they would be able to join in at some point or use this as "permission" for having sex with another woman while their girlfriend is in the room with them. I told him absolutely not to this scenario or "passing thought" as he describes. He did not ask me to do it of pressure me and would not want it if I felt uncomfortable. But I am still hurt and upset he brought it up all.When I told him how I felt he said to me he thought we were always open with each other about thoughts and ideas that most people or partners would consider taboo to discuss without being offended. He was just pondering thoughts in his head and that's all. And he asked me if he needs to censor his thoughts from now on and be careful about what he says because he needs to worry I will be offended.I am not sure what to make of it. I am upset by it but I am not sure if I am over reacting of being too emotional.Also we talked about two men together. I told him I have on occasion seen a porn with two men making out. He asked me if I liked it. I said it was nice to see two good looking men with good bodies having a good time. He went on to say "you don't think I have a good body?" I said they had nothing to do with what I am saying. He asked if I would ever be with two men. I said no, not ever. I just wonder why he would ask such a question! I am not into that kind of thing. I added him why he asked. He said no reason. He just wanted to know, so not sure why??I don't feel he loves me and values me mostly for sex and I have trust issues with him. Maybe this will help you to advise me better.I am stuck because I love him and want to make him happy but constantly worrying I am nearing my expiry date.Is it my worry of paranoia or is he getting tired of me and is liking to dabble?? He also seems more distant lately although he swears he isn't. This is tormenting me.All advice is appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): Hi. It's the OP.Interesting that manipulation is mentioned.Lately I have been unhappy in the relationship and have been accusing him constantly of cheating. He takes my heated accusations and proclaims innocence each time and then forgives me for my insecurities. I am insecure because he is emotionally distant. And so as a result, I have been distancing myself from him so that I don't get hurt. I think the distancing has been a slow but steady process for me. And not done with conscious intention.I have always lavished him with my attention. He has always wanted and needed my attention. He cannot stand it if I do not pay attention to him. Even when I threaten to leave he steps it up. Anything to keep me. We have so much in common and a soul connection and intense physical chemistry so our relationship is highly sexually charged and highly volatile. We also have many differences. I am very open emotionally but he is not. And this is at the root of our problems. I feel like he withholds affection and lacks empathy and the capability to feel genuine emotions sometimes. I am much younger than him and have plenty of male interest. He is deep down very insecure and does not think of himself highly. Outwardly he seems confident but on the inside he is definitely not.I think sometimes he is purposely withhdimg love and affection from me to manipulate me. To keep me with him. Sounds twisted but if he makes me feel too secure I think he fears I will get bored of him and lose interest. And he manipulates me into thinking I am not so special to him so that I keep chasing him and begging him to love me. It's already been a pattern of behaviour.I sense he sees that I am wisening up and he knows I can do better and this is his way of keeping me down. Stuck on him so that I don't leave him for better. It is slowly destroying my self esteem and sense of self worth. Sadly I still do love him. I'm not always sure why or why I feel so addicted to him.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 I think that you are assigning significance to these sexual conversations that go beyond what they actually are. In fact these sorts of conversations are a good thing for a young couple because they establish boundaries of what's acceptable and what isn't for both of you. So you rejected the FFM and MMf and now he knows the boundary on that. Basically, you two have cleared the deck that a monogamous MF relationship is what both of you are for. So your feelings that go beyond this simple deck clearing are, in my view, an overreaction on your part.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2015): HiThere is one part of your post that rings a bell with me and I would consider manipulative.I have been in a relationship where this 'ploy' if you like was being used. The 'idea' that your boyfriend has that you two are so special that you can both talk about subjects that 'others' would find taboo to discuss. And now does he have to worry that he will offend you when he talks? That is saying 'If I can't discuss with you everything I want to without worrying that you will be offended, then we aren't as special as I think we are'. Very clever way for him to be able to bring up anything without you objecting. Now, he may be genuine in this. I don't know, but you should feel free to experience your feelings for what they are. For example, if he brings up a subject and you feel offended, you should be free to feel this way and express yourself. But with the way he worded it, if you feel offended (or whatever) and you express this, now do you feel uncomfortable about expressing it? That you are both now not so special as he thought?This is very subtle, but mind games are and they are so subtle that they leave you scratching your head and wondering what it is you're feeling and why you're feeling it. You are feeling something for a reason is my guess. Gut instinct is something people are always being reminded about on this site. What is your gut telling you? If you feel he is being distant, what is it exactly that makes you feel this way. I'm wondering about all this, because if he IS toying with your feelings, then he may be doing this to make you feel insecure and unhappy and has nothing whatsoever to do with threesomes. My ex would dress up anything he wanted to do with this exact same phrase....'People who are as close as we are should....(fill in the blank) or shouldn't worry about...(fill in the blank) and of course you want the two of you to be close and special so ..you listen. Right?You also say you have trust issues with him. Would you care to elaborate? Might give everyone here a bit more to work with. Personally, I wouldn't dismiss this out of hand as something you should just forget about. I have had a few boyfriends mention threesomes as their fantasy and have not felt threatened by it, but if my manipulative ex had mentioned it I think I would have felt uncomfortable. It's the way it's mentioned and how it's left making you feel. There may be other layers to his behaviour that I would be interested to hear about.I just want to stress that I don't think this has anything to do with wanting a threesome. I feel there's a chance that he's starting to manipulate you and your feelings and that's why I would like to know more about his behaviour, if you wish to tell me. I've been in three relationships where I was left feeling like you are now and wondering if you're imagining it all. You say it's tormenting you. That is a pretty strong statement for what you mention in your post. I'm thinking there's more. Mentioning something like this 'out of the blue' is not the normal stage for this conversation to take place. If you are both sharing time together and talking and sharing thoughts and feelings, then this is an ok subject to bring up. If it's done in the right context and in a loving, caring way, but to just walk in and start talking about it? Is that how it happened? Did you feel the rug was being pulled out from under you?I may be barking up the wrong tree, it may just be a bloke talking about threesomes, but I do hear manipulation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2015):
 I think the fact that he felt (before the drama) that he can talk to you about anything is a good thing, if this is the first and only time he has brought it up I don't think it's because he is bored with you or your sex-life.
Talking about fantasies should be OK, now if he KEEPS bringing it up it's a whole other kettle of fish. My husband and I have had those conversations about various fantasies (not just our own but the more "generally popular ones) it helps (I think) to set boundaries but also to find mutual ground and MAYBE try new things that BOTH are interested in and put away those that they aren't.
I think you NEED to let it go. He now knows that you are not interested in 3-somes. So if he doesn't bring it up neither should you, IMHO there is such a thing as beating a dead horse. It gets you nowhere.
Is this the only reason you say you don't feel loved? Because if it is.. I think you are WAY overreacting.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (12 December 2015):
It's good that he felt he could bring it up to you and not be hiding these feelings. And nice, too, that he wouldn't ask you to do it without your blessing.This is pretty much every guy's fantasy. Ladies, if you're guy tells you he doesn't have this fantasy he could very well be telling you a lie.Don't make a big issue out of this as doing so could hurt his open communication with you. It is just an idea and he said you could say no.I don't see anything here that suggests he doesn't love you or is using you just for sex. If it was just sex, he would have left and gone on to the next conquest well before this. Don't feel hurt, he didn't mean to do that in any way. Be thankful that he feels he can express himself and won't pressure you into this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 December 2015):
 You are overreacting. He was thinking about the hype of threesomes and he referred people as "they", like he has nothing to do with that. I am sure there are boyfriends who pester girlfriends about threesomes but I don't see your boyfriend as that way. If he said he wouldn't consider it then you should just drop it.
The conversation you had confirmed that neither of you are interested in threesomes. I think that's the conclusion and nothing more needs to be analyzed.
If you wonder what a man loves about you. It can be different things. A woman's sensuality, ability to care and make love out of nothing at all. Her vulnerability, compassion and sensitivity to others. There are many qualities that make a man stick with you. The expiration date, you mentioned, only applies to men who are players or make no effort to make a woman happy.
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