A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts n uncles,I have a boyfriend (30yrs) of one year, we are very happy! We talk of marriage and when to have children.. Same timelines. Great physical chemistry, best friends. He is sweet, loving and affectionate. He is ambitious and follows through with his goals in spite of people trying to put him down. He cares for my happiness and encourages me to go after my own dreams. He is very supportive and tells me he is very happy with me, I am 'special' to him and we also now live together.Sorry for all that mush! Here's the thing. He looks up his ex on facebook almost everyday and her friends sometimes. She hurt him and treated him terribly, causing him to be insecure.. He is not (in my eyes) an insecure person. They broke up almost 3 years ago. He hasn't seen her child from another man since, even though he was like a son to my boyfriend. They were together for a year and a half on off. He made the decision to end the relationship the last time. I've asked him to stop, and why ? He says he swears he never wants to get back with her and its something he feels he needs to do to get all the anger/hurt out. And when I bring it up, it's like picking at a scab. He never brings up his exes unless I do and never shows any other signs of not being over her other than the FB thing. He has invited me to an annual party where he sees all the people from the area he grew up in as a teen. She will be there. That's a good sign...I'm willing to be patient and support him through it. I don't want to check up on him but I think I will have to talk to him in a few months time if it is still going on. Has anyone ever stayed with someone and helped them through something like this? I want to marry this man! I just don't know the best way to deal with it though I have started by never bring her up again... He gets angry when I bring up the facebook stalking and tells me I don't understand what he went through and I'm making an issue out of something that he doesn't consider to be a problem since it doesn't affect our relationship and how he feels about me!
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ambition, best friend, broke up, facebook, his ex, insecure, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): So Very Confused is right. Ignore their words, but always look at their actions--that will be the most telling.
You don't want to be a rebound girl. A girl that is used to lick his wounds while he is trying to heal from a breakup. I've been in that situation myself, being the rebound and it's not a good place to be.
He may never get over her. She will always be in the back of his mind. By looking at her on Facebook he is keeping her memory alive for himself and that is damaging his current relationship which he doesn't seem to care about by his angry reaction to you.
If he is still pining away for her, which I think he is by his very actions, then in reality you are second best and I wouldn't put up with it.
You deserve better than that.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2013):
 You moved in with a man who is not over his ex.
when he said:
"its something he feels he needs to do to get all the anger/hurt out."
you needed to say "oh so you are NOT over her yet." NOT a question a statement. And then the statement with suitcase in hand is "I'll be at my mom's when you are ready to move on"
he needs to be over his anger and hurt... he left her... what is he still mourning????
maybe he needs to work with a professional to process this.
but until he gets over his hurt/anger (what ever that is at this point) he's not emotionally available to commit to you fully. no matter what his WORDS say his actions say more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I would be very uncomfortable if I were you. You can never know what someone else is truly thinking, all you can go by is what they tell you, which might not be the truth because perhaps they have reasons to conceal the truth. His FB stalking his ex makes me uncomfortable because it suggests that he's not over her since he's monitoring her movements. He might be considering whether he should try to reconcile with her, in which case he might be holding onto you as a back up only. Or maybe he's trying to convince himself he's better off without her, but in which case shouldn't he already be happy with you and not require convincing? the only totally innocent reason I could see to his behavior is if he was as you as said, like a father to her son, and he misses the kid and wants to know what's going on with his surrogate son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): He's not admitting it, but it is still a problem. He just can't bring himself to let go, and checks Facebook out of force of habit. More is going on inside than he's letting on.
When he closes that chapter of his life, he will be able to move on, and will not burden you with wondering why.
Social media makes it hard for people to come to closure and to finally get over past relationships. They hold on to a tiny particle of false-hope. Wondering what it could have been like, if they never broke up. Unresolved feelings that
delays the healing process, and the ability to totally detach. Exes should be blocked from your feed.
It's going to be a problem; because he gets a little "fix" every-time he checks her updates. It's like he's still sharing a piece of her life. He has a mild fixation.
Badgering him to stop will force him to deny your request, and get angry with you. It's a tiny love addiction, leftover from their past together. He feels no less love for you. His stubbornness about it, will stress your relationship.
It's like never deleting a phone number, you know you'll never call. Continue to urge him to let go.
If he doesn't stop, it's sending you the message he's not over her. You'll have to make that clear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Hey, I was in a very similar situation. I found out my boyfriend was still talking to the ex he apparently can't stand, at the start of our relationship he said he never had contact with her. Big lie!! When I found out I told him why I didn't want him to talk to her, he understood and agreed to stop talking to her. I always made it clear that if he wanted to keep talking to her to tell me so we could talk it through.He did chat to her again since and looked her up every now and again. I wasn't happy about it, and so we talked it over again! I couldn't get it into my head why he would want to talk to someone who was so horrible to him!! I still don't fully understand it to be honest! I've never had an urge to see how my ex is doing!! I would tell him exactly how you feel about it, I think that if he is ready to fully commit to you he will stop looking at her profile so that you're not getting hurt. He has no reason to look her up!My boyfriend has now stopped any contact or looking up of his ex, not because I was demanding him to but because we talked and I made sure he understood how it was making me feel and realized there is absolutely no point in talking to her!! I hope you two sort it out. And don't accept any pathetic excuses!! He chose to move on with his life...therefore that's what he should do :)x
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