A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I sort my own trust issues out? I need help before it ruins my relationship. Sorry this is very long!Bit of background: I have had 3 serious relationships. All 3 of my ex partners have cheated on me in varying degrees - one had a couple of one night stands, one had an affair for 2 years of our relationship while we were married and one had affairs, one night stands, mistresses, the lot. They all did the usual - when I found out they were sorry, it was never going to happen again etc, but it always did. Needless to say I'm not very trusting! However, I spent 4 years completely on my own and vowed not to get with another man until I was a) more willing and able to trust and b) strong enough in myself to know I wouldn't take being messed around anymore.One of my very best friends (a man) who I had been good friends for for 10 years said about a year ago that he'd had feelings for me for a long time. While I had never thought of him as more than a friend, we did start spending more time together and I soon fell for him. All of my friends and family were thrilled as he had made his feelings about me known to them a long time before - they were confident that he would be the one to restore my faith in men and would never ever hurt me. It also helped that I knew his past history, I know he cheated when he was younger but that since he had matured he had treated his girlfriends wonderfully. When I asked him why none of his relationships worked out he said it was because he'd always been holding out for me. To know he'd waited for me for so long was a wonderful feeling and made me feel like I did finally mean something to someone!And yet...6 months into our relationship I found out he'd been meeting his ex for coffee and lunches. She wasn't just any ex, she was the one he had cheated on his then girlfriend with a few years ago. I asked him if anything happened and he said no, just that he had met with her a few times and enjoyed her company. He has a few female friends who he sees regularly but he always tells me, he deliberately lied to me about what he was doing when he was meeting up with this woman. We had a massive row and I said he had broken my trust by lying. He begged for another chance and I eventually gave in. He swears he has never seen this woman since and I think I believe him, but since then I have found myself questioning everything he does. Before he would say he's going to the pub or to a friends and I would believe him, no questions asked and it wouldn't bother me at all. Now I find myself driving past to check if he's there and I constantly think of him and her together and why would he meet her in the first place and lie about it, knowing if I found out then that would be it. How can I sort this out? I don't want to lose him
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Your boyfriend definitely crossed the line here. I suspect he has known your history of bad luck with people who cheat. The fact that he went out and saw his ex girlfriend without informing you was ignorant on his behalf. Perhaps he didn't want to scare you with an innocent meeting -- or perhaps there was something more sinister going on.
I think it warrants exploring with him why he wanted to see his ex. Do they still have some business to transact or was it just to sit around and talk? The fact that she cheated on him and he continues to want to even be near her indicates to me that he may have some unrequited feelings for her.
That being said, I think ultimately you are going to have to be explicit and set some ground rules for him. There's nothing wrong with guys having friends who are women, but when these friends are exes they've had sex with in the past, is dangerous territory in most cases. He needs to be upfront in all matters regarding this... as should you in regards to your male friends.
Finally, it may be worth exploring with a trained professional on why you keep choosing men who cheat. Sometimes we are inclined to be attracted to a sort of character and there may be a reason why you bond with these types of men. Also, it could be that there is something you aren't fulfilling for men that they ultimately seek out intimacy elsewhere. You may want to have a few sessions with a trained therapist -- what you may discover could seriously alter the rest of your life -- for the better.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 All I can say is that, he probably didn't know how to say 'no' to her and while he really IS in love with you, he went along with the ego boost that he was getting from his ex.
He lied to you because he knew you would hit the roof if you knew he was meeting her but he still wanted to meet her, so he lied and did it anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): What I can't get my head round, and what he can't give me an answer to, is why he decided to meet her in the first place. She made it clear she still had feelings for him so why did he go along with it? He waited a long time for me and fought hard to get me, so why meet her, knowing it would be the end of our relationship.
I just don't get it, why lie? Why not just say no to meeting her if he thought it was something he would have to lie about it? Is his 'friendship' with her really more important than his relationship with me?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 December 2013):
Remember that sometimes people lie, not because they're cheating, but because they don't want to fight about what they were doing or hurt the other person's feelings.
You don't have evidence he cheated, just evidence he lied. So it comes down to trust. Do you believe he could chest on you? If not, give him the benefit of the doubt for your own sake.
Make sure he gives you a satisfactory explanation for what did happen. Tell him you want to know everything, and if you even suspect he's lying than its over.
Use your instinct to decide if you believe him. If you don't, you need to assume he cheated and decide what to do from there.
From what you say, I don't think he cheated. He screwed up, but it takes a lot of guts to cheat on someone you love and have cared about for a long time, especially if you haven't been together very long.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 December 2013):
Ultimately it all comes down to trust. Can you trust him when he says he'll never see this woman again? What does your gut instinct tell you?
What bothers me here is that he lied to you about meeting her. Did he think you wouldn't find out? He knew he was putting his relationship with you in a potentially harmful place and yet he went ahead and met up with his ex behind your back. Why did he do that? Only he can tell you for sure. Maybe he missed her, maybe he wanted to meet up just casually, maybe he still has feelings for her....its all just conjecture that we can come up with. He might be right when he says there's nothing between them and I feel he didn't tell you that he met up with her because he knew you would react to it. Not that it justifies his lies in any way but maybe that's his reason.
You don't have to do anything now OP, it's up to your boyfriend to prove himself now. He has to give you the commitment that he will stop all contact and communication with this woman and will never again give you a chance to not trust him. Can he do that? And more importantly, can he stick to that?
Give it time OP and see how things play out. I know this is a difficult time for you and much as you want to trust him and go back to the loving, secure relationship that you had, you cant see yourself doing that. How does he treat you otherwise? Does he have the other traits of a cheating partner, like being secretive about his phones and emails?
Like I said OP, give it time and see if he stands by his words. If he genuinely loves you and is afraid of losing you, then he wont do this again.
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