| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My long time boyfriend left me to have a fling with a woman he met last November while visiting his parents who live in another country. It is a developing country and she is a poor native who speaks English but not very well. I saw their exchanges on WhatsApp. It looks like it was just starting between them as in brand new with both flirting back and forth. No sex was involved yet. Then his trip was suddenly cut short because he had to come back to our country due to a medical energency in his family. He was planning to stay there for 4 months but came back home after only 1 month. When he got home, and his family member pulled through, he seemed happy to see me and he settled back into life with me and my 2 kids (from an ex). He said he would return to visit his parents once the pandemic gets better with no definite plans. He cooked all the meals, helped me with repairs and projects around the house as he is handy and likes to keep busy. Then lockdown came where we were ordered to stay at home. After a few weeks of this, he seemed very restless and agitated. He seemed to pick fights with me easily and would quickly point out all my faults. He seemed closed and distant. He seemed to want his own space without me around him all the time. But it could not be helped. We were in the middle of a lockdown. He just seemed unhappy, unimpressed and resentful of me. I asked if everything was okay. He said yes. But I sensed he was not being open with me. One afternoon we had a disagreement because I was pressing him to open up. He just snapped and walked out on me. It seems that is the moment he was waiting for. He went to stay at a hotel that night. I tried calling him trying to find out what was going on. He told me to stop calling him. That I am no longer his girlfriend. He said we aren't compatible. But we were for 6.5 years and suddenly we are not?Well he got onto a plane at some point the following week. His brother told me he was back in his parent's country, and started to see the other woman again. He has now been gone for 8 weeks and ended up calling me 2 days ago telling me he is sorry, he made a big mistake and wants to come home and talk things out. That he never stopped loving me. That woman could have latched onto him as he is a foreigner, a white man, and maybe gave her money or she saw him as her ticket to a better life? And he felt like her hero. Obviously he no longer felt that way with me as we had real life problems to deal with. And he just escaped from them. I think he got bored of me and our relationship and especially during the pandemic and lockdown. He got tired of me and the issues we were having. Lockdown made everything way worse. In his parent's country it is warm and picturesque. Everyone knows everyone and the rules are more relaxed. He would have so much to explore and do. While I was left behind with my two kids in lockdown in the winter in a big city with no opportunities. And he was having his fling in paradise. He so easily left me behind without a single word for 8 weeks and then calls me to apologize? And tells me he never stopped loving me? This woman lives there. He will always be visiting her country due to family ties. I don't know what to think anymore. But I do know one thing for sure. The way he acted isn't love. Is it the right thing to do not to give him another chance? I still love him but I think he has damaged my heart too badly to recover from this. I feel like he disposed of me like a used tissue the minute he thought something better came along and he got bored. Why do people do this? They have no idea how devastating it is. When he goes back, will he keep giving her money for services rendered or maybe even someone else? And I cannot possibly go with him on every trip. I have 2 kids and responsibilities at home. Why did he even bother calling? He seems to have everything he wants there.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2021): Why did he bother calling?
He's testing you. If things didn't workout with her, will he still be able to come home to you?
"My long time boyfriend left me to have a fling with a woman he met last November while visiting his parents who live in another country."
"He told me to stop calling him. That I am no longer his girlfriend. He said we aren't compatible."
In spite of all this, no matter what advice we give you; my guess is you'll take him back. I guess you needed a place to vent.
I am very sorry about what you're going through. It's heartbreaking and unthinkable!
Maybe you'll learn the next go-round; because he already knows you'll take him back no matter what. It will be a continuous cycle of going back and forth. I don't know why you wrote DC, the two comments I copied above says it all. Wasn't that enough? Seems like a no-brainer to me!
Maybe next time it'll be some other female he meets on the internet; or he'll figure-out how to move her back to the country you're living in now. Then he can swing back and forth between the two of you, and not have to travel so far. Once things get established with her; then he'll dump you once and for all.
If I were a woman, and some guy did me like that; he'd be choking on his own testicles. Hell would freeze-over before I'd take him back!!! I wouldn't shed one tear!
By the way, where's all this money coming from that he can move back and forth between countries, and take months off from work? How's he supporting himself between countries?
Midlife crisis is the usual excuse; but I think you already know the real answer.
He's a jerk, and a sorry excuse for a man! The sad part is...you're still going to take him back. He knows you will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2021): Go somewhere tropical and find a new man.He is weak.He is not trustworty.When the going gets tough for him he runs away and cheats on you remember that.He has shown you who he really is so run.Run fast.Run far.He is a loser.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (1 March 2021):
 Don't allow a man to tell you he doesn't want you more than once.
Giving him a second chance is very dangerous. He is capable of leaving you when things get bad. He isn't reliable or trustworthy.
Cut this loser out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 March 2021):
 "Why did he even bother calling? "
Because HE got bored of HER. Just like he had gotten bored with you.
This will happen again if you take him back. She might not even be the first fling he has had while visiting his family. Just the first he decided to dump you over.
I would tell him;" don't call me anymore, we are over. I won't get back with you because I lost all trust and respect for you due to how you treated me and my kids. We are not dolls you can just put down when you find something (someone) more shiny and then pick us back up and you get bored with the new toy. We are done, good luck. Stop calling."
(in your own words)
You can LOVE someone who is absolutely WRONG for you.
You can love someone and NOT be with them.
The other woman is irrelevant here. Whether she "latched onto him" or not HE allowed it. HE wanted it. HE searched it out.
I think it would be a BIG mistake to take him back. You will always wonder when the other shoe will drop. Wonder if you can really trust him. Wonder if he is having someone on the side in his home country.
Also, you kids don't need a revolving door in the house, one that his man can walk in and out of as HE pleases. They need stability. He isn't it.
Sure he is "sorry". He is sorry because SHE didn't work out. So you are his backup plan. The second option.
Don't do that to yourself or your kids.
He can go kick rocks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2021): He now has shown you what a terrible person he is so now it is time to dump him.
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