A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I used to struggle with my weight when I was younger. I was made fun of by my siblings when we were teenagers living at home, and I was told the family at large was wondering why I had gained so much weight.I don't know what the exact reasons were for the weight gain but I think a lot of it had to do with no longer being as physically active (I used to take gym and go running with friends) and becoming more introverted as a teenager. I isolated myself more. I must have gained about 50 pounds although to me, I did not seem like that much as I could carry it off without looking grossly overweight.Either way, I, like many people on this journey, had the epiphany one day. I realize it sounds cliche but I walked by a mirror one day and for the very first time, I actually saw myself. I saw someone looking back at me that was not the ME I knew or wanted to be. And at that moment, I realized how heavy I was. And I actually understood that day that I was really unhappy with myself, and my life. So, I made the decision to change. And the very next day, I joined my local YMCA and started working out. The rest, as they say, is history. I lost all the weight and then some. I became more fit and toned and had a new body. With that, came newfound confidence, doing new things, enjoying being around people, and an overall joy of life. To this day, I am fit and continue working out as it is my salvation (best free therapy in the world), especially during this pandemic. The issue I have is that whenever I see my family, I am now told I am too thin. Or that I look horrible. And they criticize the new me, the me I have worked so hard to become. But I actually LIKE me. For once in my life, I am happy with who I am. It took a lot of inward soul searching and a lot of physical work to reach this point. My mom always tells me I look terrible, too thin, and tells me I should gain weight. My siblings, same thing. That I look better heavier. Well, when I was overweight they were all saying how FAT I was and how I would look better slimmer. I truly am NOT too thin. I am FIT. And there is a difference. I still have a shape. I do fluctuate in weight at times but I am still within 5 pounds of my ideal weight.What I do not understand is how critical they are of me. They are generally very critical. I find I distance myself from them because they make me feel bad about myself sometimes. My mom has 5 kids and she picks favorites. All my siblings compete for her attention but I do not. I do not see it as my job to be a dog sitting amongst other dogs begging the mommy dog for a bone. I withdraw. That is my way of coping. My son has special needs and she hates babysitting him when I need her help. But all the other grandkids get to have sleepovers at her place. I get that she could be apprehensive about a special needs child. But she knows him well after 15 years. And believe it or not, my special kid is way better behaved than the typical grandkids. He does his own thing. He is just a HAPPY guy. But that is beside the point.Working out has helped me stay sane. It is no longer about how I look. That has become secondary. It is about how I FEEL. I have tried to explain to my family that it takes a great deal of hard work and commitment to do what I do. Most days, I don't feel like doing it. And have to be disciplined enough to follow through with my work outs. Most people would not. It is easy to do nothing. But they do not see any of this. They just try to bring me down. Why is working out and taking care of myself a bad thing? Or the negative they make it out to be? When I got married, they kept pestering about when would we have a child. Then when I had my son, they said are you only having ONE child? It isn't good to have only one. When is the second one coming? Again, they are not in my shoes. It is not easy raising a special needs child and that was all we could handle. But why should we be forced to answer to others for our decisions? What is right in our hearts? I have never told them what to do or have questioned their decisions (even when I don't agree). Live and let live. I am really tired of whatever I do never being good enough or questioned. So, how do you deal with this? I distance myself from all the bullshit and then I become the black sheep, and am told by my mother that I never call, that I don't care about my family, that I act like a stranger. I do love my family but I am not the type to call my mom four times a day like my other siblings. But she seems to expect everyone to cater to her. How would you handle this situation????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2021): We live in a very critical and intrusive society. Everybody feels they have a right to impose their opinions, project wanton ostracism, or subject us to their unsolicited advice. It doesn't have to be a relative or somebody you know; an absolute stranger has the nerve to pop-off at the mouth! As if they have some right, or they know you!!!
You have to develop an immunity to it. If you don't, you'll always feel attacked and under seige. You can't withdraw or live in a shell for fear somebody is going to criticize you. In the real-world, the odds are very high that somebody will. Either out of jealousy, meanness, or because they want to destroy your self-esteem. For no reason at all!
You have a mouth, you know how to use words. Inform them, right on the spot, that you are tired of their constant put-downs and comments about your appearance! Stop them dead in their tracks, talk right over them! "I know you're going to say something, don't even think about it!!!" Tell them you love how you look and feel; and if they don't stop with the remarks, you will completely disown them! Make a dramatic exit for the door. It's just an idle threat, you don't have to carry it through.
Instead, you say nothing. You just shrink and cower away. You let them shoot holes in your sails, and punch a big hole in your soul! Stop being such a priss!
You must learn to ignore it 60% of the time; and the other 40%, tell them to shove-it!!! You don't need to always have a snappy comeback; but you need to work on your assertiveness.
You can be a prissy little delicate cry-baby, or you can use that confidence you've been building and maintaining. People respect you when you stand firm for your rights and values; and when you tactfully assert yourself. Be tactful, not tacky! You don't have to be mean or snarky, just straighten your back; and tell them you feel great, and there's nothing they can say or do about it.
When they come at you, offer them some suggestions on how they can be a better person. Go-out and purchase some books about how not to hurt people; and how to be a better person. Pass them out as gifts. They'll get the message! Give your mother a book defining and explaining how to overcome passive-aggressiveness.
BTW, you go girl! You are qualified and justified to exhibit a little bit of the "diva." I don't mean conceit or narcissism. I mean to carry an air of confidence and strength. You have arrived!
Don't depend on the validation or approval of others. There's a pandemic of mean-spiritedness infecting people; and you have to develop a thicker-skin to survive. They will eat you alive! Pray for strength! God listens!
God bless you, my dear!
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