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My boyfriend is trying to finger me while I am asleep. Why is he being so crude?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 June 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We're adults and live in our own places, however we have a situation when it comes to sex. I've recently gained weight and I feel unattractive and insecure. Everytime he tries to initiate sex I act like I'm tired. Its been a week since we had sex and now he has resorted to pulling my clothes off or down any chance he gets. More recently he has been putting his hand on my crotch or trying to finger me while I'm asleep or next to him. I tried laughing it off at first but now I'm getting angry and telling him to stop. It makes me feel like a prostitute constantly being grabbed.

My question is, is this normal? For two people who love eachother, for one to act so crudely? I feel like the more he pushes the issue the more I don't want to have sex. Can someone help?

View related questions: insecure, prostitute

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010):

I disagree with anyone who says this is okay. I had the same problem. Its not right to with hold sex and yes your b/f does find you attractive and you should be happy about that but just because its your 'b/f' or 'husband', doesnt mean they can do whatever they want to you, whenever you want. Its extremely uncomfortable and an invasion of your space and privacy. If he wants to get off, he can play with himself. Its a hard subject to address to your bf im sure but that would be my best advice. You need to tell him that it makes you upset when he does that and discuss how to make you feel more comfortable being sexual with him again as well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009):

Thats very rude of your boyfriend to do that. I will never do anything to my girlfriend/wife that she doesnt like. I will never pressure my girlfriend into sex. I will just find it somewhere else. You should kick your boyfriend and tell him to find sex with some other willing girl instead of pestering you for sex like an idiot.

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A female reader, HereAreMyTwoCents United States +, writes (10 October 2009):

HereAreMyTwoCents agony auntI think I have to stand in defense of the guy on this one. He is your boyfriend and he wants to have sex with you as you have been doing since before you gained weight. But now you seem to be denying him because of your insecurities with your body. It is not right to do that. If you really can't get over your insecurities, tell him how you feel, and tell him you want to keep a gown or shirt on during sex, but don't completely deny it to him just because of that. It's not fair to him, and it is the exact reason why he has gone to these desperate lengths to try to get a sexual response from you. I don't blame him at all. I do not think that you calling him crude has too much basis in reality in your case. He's just your boyfriend, and he wants to have sex with you! He's not committing a crime. Put yourself in his place, what if your boyfriend suddenly gained weight and didn't want to do it anymore and you wanted to have sex and he kept denying you. Wouldn't you get a little desperate and gropey yourself with time?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009):

My husband started doing this to me and I pretended to be asleep. I confronted him right away and told him I did not like it. I am not an expert but I think he needs to relieve him self every now and then to get rid of his frusteration. He probably does not see you as a little over wieght just beautiful and sexy. Hope that helps... :)

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2009):

You need to address your insecurity, not for his sake, but your own. He fancies you, but he mustn't be allowed to get away with this. You have told him that yoou want him to stop, so if he's not stopping, then he's not listening, and that's not good enough. Sit him down and tell him that you're feeling insecure at the moment because of your weight issues. Tell him that you don't like him touching you so crudely. And be direct about it, guys don't do hints. If he still doens't listen, think about whether you want to be in a relationship where a guy doesn't listen and only cares about himself. Talk to him first and see what happens.

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