A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Recently my B/f has become paronoid about not being able to please me. He ususaly lasts a min or two and then that is it. Plus he worries that as he isnt as big as he would like to be that I might not be enjoying our love life as much as I could. After one fleeting love making episode he was in a bad mood and suggested maybe I should get a dildo instead. I laughed at this and told him quite honestly that I enjoyed all his attention which he gives to me and that Im quite happy. Well my mistake was the word "quite" he picked up on it and insisted that if I were fullfield I would have been panting and moaning and begging for more. I tried to pursuade him that he was wrong and I looked forward to our cosy moments together.He didnt seem convinced and so I told him as he had just come, now might be a great time to go at it again. He took this to mean that I wasnt satisfied. I tried to convince him that im always satisfied to have such a warm and loving guy as him but he just sulked. I took the bull by the horns and said would you want me to use a dildo then? would it make you happy ?. He wasnt sure and I said if he was correct in thinking that he wasn't pleasing me then buy me one if he wanted to but that his love for me was all that I wanted.I think he thinks that because he lacks size I cant be enjoying sex. I think guys are totally besotted by what they have grown up to think. One moment he is talking about wanting to have surgery and also wants us to see someone about our love life cos he has it in his mind that Im just being kind to him. Ive said time and again that he is all I want in a man but his mind but what I say and what he hears are two different things.
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female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx  +, writes (14 February 2019):
 I understand where you are coming from completely. My partner does not last very long either, but that doesn't stop me loving him any less, in fact it is the most amazing feeling to be intimate with someone you are in love with, be that two minutes or twenty. He had issues with his ex for putting him down for it and he broached the conversation a few times at the start of our relationship and still apologizes for it now. I just remind him that sex is just a happy bonus to our relationship. We found foreplay and brining in sex toy heighten the experience better, but it is not necessary to have all that. You both need to find a ground where you are both happy, try to find a different position, experiment with toys (they are not a bad thing to have), and talk. I know you are struggling to talk to him about it but that is the only way he will get through it, tell him about what you want in bed give him that chance to be in control. Just remind him that you do love him and it does not matter about size or length of time, because to you it is the little things that matter.Hope I helped, good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019): All men have a deep seated deisre to have a wooper. So if your fella is a little nderdeveloped it is messing with his stature of being manly. A big penis to a man = more power/ making him a beter lover/. Guys are not like us in the way they think thongs out. He wants I guess, to impress you in the bedroom and make you feel special, but how can he in his mind with a tiny carrot?. Guys want I have found out feel the need to brag about certain things , How they are hung their conquests is another watching porn ETC. But having a hot babe YOU must be his number one concern because if he, in his tiny mind thinks you could or might not be enjoying his attempts to make love he will start to worry that you might get a better man who can. Thats the way I think a mans brain works.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2019):
 It's hard not to laugh at this, because its such a clishè. But at the same time, I fully understand how frustrating this must be for you. I have been in a relationship with a man with low sexual confidence myself, and know all too well how frustrating it is when every single word you say in bed, every single smile or movement, is overanalyzed and taken as a deep offense. Honestly, it was the only relationship where I stopped wanting to have sex, because it was such a turn off. Then of course my lack of interest in sex would be a problem. I just didn't see how this could turn out good. In the end, we ended that relationship, and about 50% of the reason why was his insecurities in bed. It just killed the relationship.
And who knows why he was so insecure. He was of prefectly normal size, he had amazing capabilities with his fingers and he lasted for long enough for me (I never timed him, but Im guessing 15-20 minutes). He still was extremely insecure in bed. I once smiled to him, and he was offended and said I was laughing at him!
The only hope here is that you say this behavior is RECENT for your boyfriend. Perhaps there is still time to nip it in the bud. How long have you been dating? If you've only been dating a few months, I would think that this behavior of his isn't recent at all, he's just been able to hode it from you until now. My ex did that too, his insecurities didn't really show until some time had passed. Then they just got worse and worse. In wich case, I advise you to end the relationship. Actually. Because you can't fix a man or heal him, and an insecure man will just destroy any relationship you hope to have. Same as an insecure woman will also ruin any relationship.
However, if this is a long term relationship, and he's never been insecure before about this, then maybe something recently happened that triggered his insecurities. In which case, here's a list of do's and don'ts:
1. Don't discuss your exes. At all. Even if he begs.
2. Don't allow porn. Talk to him about porn use, and how you noticed he is more insecure in bed, and that you dont want him to watch porn any more. All this talking about how women supposedly only enjoy sex with moaning and panting and begging for more only happens in porn. So clearly: he's watching way too much porn.
3. Start with tantric sex. You need to rewire his brain into whats actually important for satisfaction, and its not pounding you like a hamburger.
4. If tantric is too much of a change right off the bat, try agreeing on sex without orgasm every other time you have sex. This means you will be naked and give each other a massage, for example. Or you will cuddle each other, you can even touch each other, but the point is enjoyment of what you do here and now, and not reaching an orgasm, or reaching "panting, moaning and begging for more".
5. Give yourselves time to adjust to the new regiment. Sex without orgasm will feel weird at first, I am sure, but you will get the hang of it.
6. Don't indulge him or get provoked. If he takes offense to something you say or do, tell him calmly that you didnt mean it that way, and then move the conversation along. If he wont let it pass, tell him that you will leave the room and allow him to calm down and think about it, and that he can come talk to you once he has calmed down and is ready to move forwards. Engaging in an argument with him, or pleading for him to see that you didnt offend him, only feeds the insecurity. Tough love is the way to go when dealing with insecurities.
7. Talk to him about him being insecure in bed. It might be he doesnt realize, and thinks it is normal to feel under such pressure to perform. Might be, he actually honestly believe porn is real. Talking about it will help "box away" his insecurities, and define them. It will then be easier to identify when its him talking, and when its the insecurity talking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019): You said he lasts a minute or two, I guess I overlooked that particular problem. He has a problem with premature ejaculation.
He's embarrassed; so he has to make an excuse, because once he ejaculates he's done. Maybe he should avoid watching porn, and filling his head with nonsense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019): I'm surprised no other uncles responded to your post. I'll be the first.
First-off, it is evident that your boyfriend is insecure; and it may not have much to do with just size. He may be a virgin, and just doesn't know what he's doing. If he doesn't have much experience; and he doesn't know what to expect and even less what to do. So he's in panic-mode.
People who have any form of body dysmorphia or insecurity regarding their body-image, looks, or penis size; you can't simply talk them into changing how they perceive their bodies. Body dysmorphia disorder is a distinct mental disorder. If they see a specific body flaw, moving all heaven and earth can't convince them that body-part or their body doesn't have some sort of defect or unnatural irregularity. They have an imagined physical-defect and nothing short of therapy sessions will help them.
If he's your age, it may not be that serious. He has placed you up on a pedestal; and idolizes you as perfect. You are probably more experienced; and he's having trouble handling that. He won't admit he's just lacking sexual-experience.
You seem very sweet and understanding. Continue being supportive; but don't try to convince him of anything. He will either calm-down, or get worse. If he gets worse, let him know that he will ruin your relationship. You care for him, and you have no problem; but that's the best you can do. Size-issue isn't common in males. Just a few.
He may not be ready for sex and coming-up with an excuse. If he is small, not much anyone can do about that. He'll have to come to terms with what nature gave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): Guys just think about what they have watched on porn sites. He is fustrated that he is 1 ...a minute man and 2... He is no stud. If maybe you took him in hand literally and got it out his system before he penetrated you he might last longer and build his confidence up. Guys can become way too excited and before you know it ..well come so to speak. Its not your fault babes its just a guy thing. Id say buy the dildo to enjoy when his not around but let him know you only use it to fantasize about him when you are alone.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 February 2019):
 There is enjoyable sex, and there is also mind blowing sex. Not every woman hankers over mind blowing sex, but your boyfriend has the curiosity of seeing you reacting in one. Vaginas are built so that they are able to squirt when there is enough stimulation. Not every man is able to perform like an Adonis or a porn star. The mature men accept that, but we owe it to ourselves to at least try, to know what it is first hand and to get it over with. It's only with multiple tries without success that we accept it just doesn't happen. He needs a lot of reassurance that you won't leave him because of his size and performance. Mind blowing orgasms are real, but you do not need them to feel happy. I would see buy the toy but only if he promises he won't give you shit about how you prefer the toy over him and sulk.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 February 2019):
 I agree with Youcannotbeserious,
And I will add this. THIS is HIS insecurity. YOU can't fix it. NOTHING you will say will make him stop this behavior.
It's something HE needs to work through.
And I would NIP every attempt he makes to put this on YOU. Because that is bullshit. I'll quote you:" he insisted that if I were fullfilled I would have been panting and moaning and begging for more. " So now he puts it on you. He needs to get his head out of his ass and stop believing that PORN is real. THAT ALL woman moans and beg when having sex. Seriously!
Also claiming that you are Just" being kind to him... Again, NIP that in the bud. I'd tell him if that is what he thinks then maybe he should reconsider dating you. If he thinks you are just with him out of pity and you don't enjoy having sex with him.
And I would ALSO tell him that it actually OFFENDS you that he thinks you lie to him about your sex-life with him, that he thinks you aren't being honest.
HE is the one who has an issue with sex. My guess is because he compares it to porn and some "imaginary" ideal of what sex is.
I would DEFINITELY keep dildo's out of the sex with him. He wouldn't be able to handle seeing you with anything bigger than him and goodness forgive you if you actually ENJOYED it.
What I would do, if you want to keep dating him... IS that you SHOW him WHAT you really enjoy (as foreplay) and how HE can get YOU off BEFORE penetration. So that you both get to climax even if he only lasts 2 minutes.
Personally? I would feel EXHAUSTED trying to deal with his insecurities. I'm a fairly patient person, but this? Would have me NOT want to have sex with him if I have to get an earful about his size and performance... At some point I would tell him to shit or get of the pot. EITHER he wants to BE with me or he doesn't. But I would NOT take all that "blame" for shit his insecurities cooks up in his head. At some point I'd have to say enough is enough.
The question is, WOULD you date him if he WAS a total failure in bed? Yes or no? Is he in ANY way right that you are being kind? Is sex a chore? Or enjoyment?
While sex is part of a healthy adult relationship, it's not THE most important part. However, long term if both parties are not mutually satisfied it might not work all that well.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 February 2019):
 Appears you can't say right for saying wrong with this guy. If 99% of what you say is positive and 1% is not quite as positive, he will hear only the latter.
I think your boyfriend needs to learn that good sex is about communication, not size. Sexual arousal for women starts in their brain, not between their legs. If a woman feels loved, she will want and enjoy sex with her partner. The majority of women cannot climax via penetration alone anyway; they usually need oral/manual stimulation. Does he engage in foreplay before sex? Do you communicate to him what feels good for you, what you enjoy?
I think his ignorance is far more of a problem here than his size or performance. He needs to learn how to please you in bed and this he can only do via honest communication from you. For this to work, he needs to put his ego aside.
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