A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I saw on my boyfriends computer history a site to [site url removed per site guidelines]. Curious, I checked further and he has gone to the site several times. [Name removed] is an online site that keeps track of your sex life, the dates you had sex, the time and how long you had sex, with whom you had sex with and how you are suppose to rate how good the sex was.The site claims it is not for notches on the bedpost. Call me old-fashioned but I believe it is. It seems like a trophy site to me.I don't like the fact that our sex life is reduced to a statistical graph or reduced down to numbers. Or that it shown as a timeline of if you are getting enough or not enough and how good or not so good the sex may be.Another point is the "with whom". What if someone stumbles upon this site and they find out their partner is also "with another." That opens up a whole other can of worms.Would you be comfortable with your sex life being tracked like that? Is this a creeper move or what? How would you like knowing your performance is being "rated"?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (8 November 2013):
 I'm really wrapped up about this post. It is hijacked and probably abandoned by the original poster who probably would have been offended if she had opened her boyfriend's journal and read "Sex was great last night".
In light of what has been said I'm not sure I can justify my position on privacy / openness. Unlike Code Warrior (who I respect) I don't believe that one code fits all situations. On the original topic of this post I think that more communication should have happened before and after the snooping.
To anyone who might think my comment about safety trumping privacy gives them an open license to snoop, I need to say that snooping is not a very good way of verifying your safety. Someone who really has something to hide could hide it from you pretty easily.
If all men deserve this kind of scrutiny, then there must be a large pool of willing women accomplices.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): I'm with the op on this. I discovered my boyfriend was having an affair and that was only after I saw his text messages on his phone from the other woman. It was "devastating" to me since we were talking about marriage! My trust was gone and I will never trust another man again. From now on, I do background checks on the men in question and I feel if they are being too guarded with their computers or cell phones that something is up.I have "nothing to hide" and they can through my phone, computer any time. So, don't feel bad for doing so, because I totally understand where you are coming from. Been there and done the trusting thing and all I got was heartache. Never again will I be so trusting.But we are off topic. Why this boyfriend needs to keep account of their sex life is another matter.Have you thought that maybe he is just trying to enhance his performance? It could be just that.I would talk to him about it. Also, I would put the spin back on him and ask how he would like to be "rated" on a scale of 1 to 10 in bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): I stand by what I said. I don't care what others think regarding privacy. To each his own. I never said I feared for my safety either. What I am saying is a person can present one side of themselves to you and be a totally different person. I need to know who I am really dating. That is just me. I've seen too many relationship where affairs were discovered by e-mails or cell phone calls and texts and I am not saying he is having an affair either, just what some of my friends have experienced.
FA I do feel it is more a matter of why does he have a "need" to track his sex life and that I am a "subject" of analysis like some grand experiment. I will be talking to him about it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Sorry I'm on the Warrior's side, you had no business going through your boyfriend's computer. If you are worried about your safety you shouldn't be dating him in the first place. And if and when you bring this up with the boyfriend don't be surprised that he will be royally pissed that you snooped through his stuff. Trust is a two-way street.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 November 2013):
Thanks for the follow up. I tend to agree with you that safety trumps privacy. There are two trust issues here. Trusting s person to stay out of your things. And trusting a person to not have something to hide.
Do you feel that his use of the tracking website is a violation of trust? Or, is it just something that bothers you? And are you going to talk to him about it, or are you just going to leave the relationship?
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Well, Code Warrior I make no apologies for looking. In this day and age I need to know who the person is I am dating. I take nothing at face value. There are too many creeps out there. If it's a deal breaker for some, so be it. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 November 2013):
 While I tend to note activity such as that in my PERSONAL journal, keeping it online and the "with whom" is beyond creepy.... it's belt notching at it's finest.
ewwww...
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A
female
reader, misssunshine  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 honestly my darling he is an idiot!! who the hack is doing that !!Im sure u can find better!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 November 2013):
 MAJOR creep factor.
If he feels he needs to track it online to see if he gets "enough" or not, he should MAN the Heck up and just VERBALIZE his needs.
Yea, this would be a deal-breaker to me 100%.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 November 2013):
Yep that's a creeper factor.
I have to say that I deal with life mathematically and scientifically and even statistically. I can see how the site could be a usable therapy tool. I took a look and on the front page it seems very secure. No social application I believe it said.
So even if I think it has potential usefulness, why do I say there is a strong creeper factor? So many women feel exactly as you do that sex is an emotional bonding or outlet and has nothing to do with quantitative or qualitative analysis. In other words your history has no value in predicting whether or not you are getting "enough". I think that is more often true, or at least true often enough that before you start tracking you should consult with your partner.
Finding out that analysis is going on after the fact is going to bother most people. If the partner objects then another approach or method might work better. Or perhaps that line of investigation should just be dropped.
I think that a person using this kind of record keeping to compare a current lover to a past lover could easily wreck a relationship. I also think that if it was used as evidence in an argument it would be excessively damaging.
Better to use this with prior consent and with a solid goal or reason for collecting the data.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): It is a bit disrespectful to your lovemaking.
Have you tried telling him how you feel when he does that?
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