A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year has a father that treats his mother really badly. For that reason I have been mindful of how he treats me. When he gets stressed he raises his voice which to me happens every other week. He's very conscious of this and said he tries hard not to but is highly strung and not very patient. He gets uptight if I don't explain things clearly to him and if my friends are having problems gets impatient. I am a naturally warm and chatty parson and he is an introvert and spends most of his time alone. Im getting fed up of hanging up on him because he's raising his voice or having to put him straight that I don't like his tone towards me.I have asked him for a break to see how I feel with him not around. He does lovely things for me and is honest and trustworthy but it's his temperament which bothers me. He's never been married or had a family and my son has left home. I feel these should be my happy years too now that I am no longer on mum duties.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 I don't think he's abusive.
I do think he has issues that stem from what he learned as a child about how people interface and that is going to be very difficult to break especially since he has done it his whole life and i will assume he is around your age since you did not mention an age gap.
While you are on your break from him do some work...
Get a copy of the book "A fine Romance" by Judith Sills
it's an older book and should be in paperback and not expensive.... it was a godsend for me not only in relationships but in life in general...
secondly you need to make two lists.
list one is all the things you WANT in a DREAM partner.
IT can be as simple as "blue eyes" labeled as NICE but not necessary
and as complex as "does not yell at me when stressed" MANDATORY
this is just for you... so be as detailed as you like... and be HONEST... this is not about HIM.... we are creating a dream fellow for you on paper...
then put that sheet of paper away....
get another sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle
on the left title it PROS and on the RIGHT CONS....
under pros list ALL the things that CURRENTLY are things you like about your BF
under cons you list all the things you do not like
then you compare the two lists and figure out if he's worth staying with for you.... do not love his potential or what he could be but figure out if the good with him outweighs the bad... if it does then you have to learn to suck up and deal with the bad or figure out how to get him into therapy to work on it which as his girlfriend is NOT YOUR PLACE.... as a wife yes... maybe even as a live in co-parent but as a girlfriend... it's probably better to walk away.
I give you this advice knowing full well I stayed with my guy and married him... and now I am suffering through the slings and arrows of rehab and emotional therapy to try to fix things. love makes us do stupid things.
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 February 2015):
Your situation is not easy.Because your boyfriend has come from a unhappy home and would be stressed out of years of watching his dad being so unkind to his mum.Have no doubt this is having an effect on him and you are receiving the fall out of a very hurt man.He needs help such as a counsellor and a great love from a woman to understand and endure all his moods.You will have to ask yourself-Are you that woman-ONLYyou can answer that.Kind wishes NORA B.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 "He does lovely things for me"
Abusive people with most always do nice things to cover up their wrongs, so their VICTIM will stay with them. It has only been a year...how about four more years of this??
You want happy years? Find a happy man. If you plant grapes you will not harvest oranges. Same with any relationship...if anger, frustration, hate, resentment, and all that is being planted, you will not harvest love and happiness.
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