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My boyfriend is financially dependent on me. Will he ever change?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend is always broke!

We've been together for 4 years, living together for 2 years. I am a recent grad with BS, he doesn't even have a GED. I'm 24, he's 25, but he's been financially dependent on me and it's draining my savings. He's a great boyfriend in every other aspect and I love him very much, the only problem is that he NEVER has money and is unmotivated to get another job, his current part time job only pays enough for rent and little else ( I found him that job). I pay for everything, the bills, food, gas.... I'm not rich! I worked on and off during school, haven't found a job yet but I know I will soon even if it means min wage.

He is very bad with money, his credit is so bad he can't even get a credit card. He can't pay for car insurance so he is driving mine. He dented by car a few months ago and still hasn't been able to fix it like he said he will (always next month). He is constantly asking me for money, even freely uses me credit card, he owes me soo much money that I've stopped counting( at least a few grand)

Every time I talk to him about it he gets defensive and says things like "Don't you think I know that already? I feel bad about it as it is", or "I'm getting better, just be patient!" He says he's going to get another job, but doesn't even really look!!!

I'm feeling desperate and frustrated, especially with the looming student loans I have to start paying soon. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? He is the sweetest and most loving boyfriend....I know I am not perfect, I'm clinically depressed and I am emotionally dependent on him, but I managed to be responsible and get things done, and this is just making me more depressed. He is just so financially irresponsible and rarely keeps his promise!

Please advise!! Do people change? is love worth all the financial problems? We talked about getting married in the future but now I'm having second thoughts...

View related questions: depressed, money

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A male reader, MauiKahuna United States +, writes (1 September 2009):

Depression is a great thing. It tells you when you're living a bullsh** life. This guy is absolute dead weight. Which is even OK if you want to be the bread winner. Your depression is telling you that this is NOT the best you can do. You know you can do better. YOU KNOW IT!! So why deal with some unmotivated excuse giver? He sounds like a really nice guy with zero motivation. Think about it this way. If you were on a personals website and you saw that as a headline would you click on it? "Nice guy with no job or motivation" -- What do you think??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

First off I've been there done that. I had 30,000 in savings, and he begged for me to get a tv now that he had a nice job with company vehicle. so I bought a ps3, 45' tv along witha car, he got in a accident, so i had ot invest my money into another and he smashed that. so I got fed up after he quit his job for a year and I had to pay rent, I put him through college to do something and paid for that. also bills and food not only for him butfor his roomate. Not only did he fail at college, smash the car, and spent my money but he and his mother, took all of my things and left me with pots and pans, I had enough and asked over and over for money back and so his mom paid for anything I wanted at that time. So I picked a 5 star hotel trip for 2 weeks in Cuba. Not only did I leave him with his mommy, but I also wento to university got a job, new boyfriend, and where I was sitting in debt last year compared to this year was amazing. Im a chief of engineer asst, and i have car pooled ALOT saving me money. I am now trying to save for braces and paying off my student loan, but the point is, he will drain you, and you deserve better. whats no money. think what if you got pregnate? then its so much harder to move forward. your stuck at home with some lazy bastrad on that what you want? LEAVE HIM, he will wake up quickly and relize not to abuse you. save up money while your on your own, sepreate accounts, places, bills, you protect yourself. Fuck every one else, I know you care, but your not his parent. and if your even thinking of wedding, or babies, try doing that being bankrupt and jobless with that loser.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all your advice, the answer seems clear to me now. If he's not marriage material, I'd rather be heart broken now than be heart broken and broke later...

After having a few long talks with him, I decided that we should live separately and I'm going to stop paying for him. I need to learn to be emotionally independent and he needs to learn how to be financially independent.

I've had a hard life growing up, dealing with be abandoned by my parents and abuse (physically, verbally, and sexually). That is a big reason why I get attached to guys so easily and my fear of being alone is so strong.

TasteofIndia- Thanks for the thoughtful advice, I really needed to hear that from someone to put me in check. What you said is so right and true! Although this is incredibly hard and he can be so convincing, I really just need stand my ground.

There really is more to having a good relationship than just love, I guess I've learned it the hard way.

I really appreciate hearing from all of you :]

Knowing that I'm not alone in my situation really helps...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009):

Hey there me too I am in the same situation and let me tell you I regret ever getting involved with my man...he sucks! Any man who lives off a woman is a bumb! I spent sooo much money on him I became in debt with everything before I met him I had 10,000.00 saved...I spent all of it on him for his car and insurance and everything else guess where I am now? Depressed!

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (1 July 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntHi my dear,

Wow... what a crappy situation! Here's my thoughts:

You both are totally dependent on each other. Him, financially, you emotionally. This is not a healthy relationship. I really encourage you to leave this behind. This is really horrible behavior... and he's totally going to drag you, your credit standing and your future into the ground if he is recklessly burning through your money. What makes you think he'll ever change? His empty promises, I fear will last a lifetime if you don't stand up for yourself and cut him off. Right now he is simply taking advantage of you. Maybe he's a good boyfriend in some ways, but this is a huge factor... and you're pretty much buying that good behavior from him.

You are wasting your money and your time. I know that it will be hard for you to leave him when it looks like he will hardly be able to survive without your money to lean on, but let's face it. This guy needs a kick in the ass. He'll never make anything of himself or get anywhere in life if he has everything handed to him. The fact that he still doesn't have his GED shows me what little ambition he has. He's gotten lazy, and you are enabling him. He's living comfortably and you're footing the bill and the stress.

I think you need to separate. Maybe he'll get his act together and improve his lifestyle. Check back in a year, see where he is. In the meantime, you need to become emotionally independent, become your own person with your own goals. You seem to have a good life set up for you, so go out there and live it!

Let's face it. I don't know him. He could be fantastic... but, even if he's the world's best boyfriend, if he gets you into a financial pit of doom, the romance will be completely dead. Being in debt, completely broke - there's nothing romantic about that. It will zap the romance, zap the fun, and you'll be left with nothing but each other to pick up the pieces. He needs to be able to grow up and become the best person he can be and it seems like while it feels like you're helping him to do that, I think that you, in fact are holding him back. You seem to have your heart in the right place, but it will be healthier for him and much, much, MUCH better for you if you stop this destructive relationship.

What would you tell a friend or sister in the same situation?

There's my opinion. I hope I didn't come off as harsh or mean! I hope this works out for you, sweetness, I really do. Good luck!

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (1 July 2009):

QuirkLady agony auntLook, the next time he pulls out that "be patient" line, tell him you have been patient long enough. He needs a metaphorical kick in the butt. As long as you're okay with paying the bills and letting him drain you he's going to keep on doing it. How is he going to get married to you and pull his weight when he can't do it right now?

Let him go. He is dead weight and he's dragging you down.

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A female reader, lovnlife United States +, writes (30 June 2009):

listen love aint gone pay no bills he needs yo understand that you are serious about him and you want to be with him but you ant afford to carry him and a real man wouldnt want his woman pulling all that wait and when you say something about it and he hits you with that "dont u think i know" shit again i would tell him if you knpw so much then why you aint helping!! you aint trying to change shit so know i am tired and getting to my breaking point since you know everything!! and i sure you care about him you have to to take care of him like he your child he needs to go home to his mom and ket her take care of him and he can ome see you when he ready to be a man

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A female reader, Anonny United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2009):

Hi - I'm in a similar situation to you - only I don't live with my fella!

My boyfriend is currently out of work but is keen to get a job only he is fussy as to where to work. He depends on me for hand outs, clothes etc - which I don't mind giving him because, like you, I love him - but I wonder if it is all in vein!

Sometimes men appreciate you helping them, some just like using you - you need to find out:

a) if you can be prepared to live like this for the forseeable future and

b) if he really loves you or just your money.

But If you have doubts - then get him to move out!

All the best!

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