A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found a few months ago my boyfriend of 5 years is bi sexual. I found out through texts I found on his phone and pictures and also I found out through a device I installed on the computer which showed up as he been looking at gay porn sites . I confronted him about this and at first he denied it and then admitted to it as i had already seen the txs etc. We did talk and he assured me he loved me and that I made him happy he is just bi. I was heartbroken by the fact he hid this from me and still struggle with why he hid this as I am a bi female. I recently went away on a weekends break and when I got back I broke into his email and found out he had been on gay dating sites where you can message men for sex. I confronted him and said that it was'nt fair as I told him I need him to be honest with me and not go behind my back. I am still so confused and this is always at the back of my mind. I do love him to bits and am looking at trying to get our lives back on track but am still struggling with knowin about it and thinkin all the time he wants men aswel. How do I know I can satisfy him for the rest of his life. How do I know he wont stray again. I also found out that when he first started seein me 5 years ago after he fell inlove with me he actually cheated on me with a man and had a 1 night stand. Im so confused and am to frightened to bring this up and talk to him abou t it cos he really does'nt like talking about it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Sorry but someone who says sex is just a sex thing and he doesn’t want a relationship with a man misses a point. Sex provides physical, mental and emotional comfort. If you are in a relationship where you are cared about that is what it is. It is not an occupation that can be excluded from the relationship by going into “another room “ alone.
That is a con, but I don’t think you can see this clearly enough to protect yourself from the way he is harming you by putting his own needs first and not you. The fact that you accept it is not a good sign that you value your own self worth. I think you will sacrifice your feelings for him and still get nothing from it. This will reduce you and leave him unchanged.
Tell him he is free to do this but it is not compatible with being with you and you feel therefore that you must end the relationship. See what he does. If he is worth a tiny bit of reconsideration he will do absolutely everything he can to hang on to you because he considers you precious. Nothing less is worthy of you believe me. Without him needing to prove himself and being willing to work for you relationship it is worth nothing to him. If you told him to get lost you would lose nothing. You just can’t do what he is and say you love someone. The two are completely incompatible.
I get so sad when I see girls settling for this kind of relationship because it shows too much compromise and unless you get some guts on your own behalf you will not find true love easily. True love is only something that the brave get because they can get shot of the people who damage them and have the guts to suffer short term in their long term best interests. I fear that because you think you love him, you are being a coward.
If you find one person answering who says they were once in your position but everything worked out fine I will eat my pants. Therefor there is no value in you wishing you could find someone going through what you are. There are millions of people who have gone through what you are, it is called being disappointed in love. Painful though it is you just got to grip it and deal with it. This wishy washy is just time wasting.
For goodness sake wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and tell that girl you love her, even if nobody else seems to right now. If you love you, maybe some day someone else will too.
It is NOT him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): I think you should probably consider talking to him about blocking porn.If he's into the whole dildo thing maybe he can subsutut it,than having the real thing.Tell him he doesn't have the right to toy with your relationship, and that you can only take so many blows before you can't get back up.At that point your ready to give up and walk away but your still there trying to make it work.Next year it can be another subject.He says he loves you but he's not showing it through his actions.Tell him that you care for him,and that your not on line looking for another person my it be a man or a woman,your here for the relationship but the foundations rough and all couples thrive on comunicaton ,onisty and a willingness for it to work. Next is love 2 is where its supost to be in dating or marriage.Not oh lets fan off to sleep with that next person around the corner period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin reply to the anonymous answer at the top. We have talked and he ausures me its just a sex thing and that he defiantly would never want a relationship with a man. I just feel upset and hurt by all this. Just wish I could talk to someone who is goin through the same thing
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I am going through a similar situation. my advice is gay, straight bi..whatever. he should respect you and NOT go behind your back. it sounds like he is very mixed up, he probably knows deep down he is messing things up too.
is he more gay than bi? can you trust him 100%? you need to talk to him and find out why he is hurting you this way.
He can't keep going behind your back on websites etc, its really not on! and its kind of cheating from the heart, not just a physical thing
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): There is no place for you relationship while he is so confused. As well as that he is being unfaithful and how do you know how safely? There is too much "I" going on in our society at the moment where people are more focussed on their own desires and not able to look after the people they should love and cherish.
He is not keeping your heart or body safe and in my opinion that means he has either lost sight of your importance or simply does not care enough. You will have to cope with this betrayal and it will make it hard for you to trust anyone in future.
I can't tell you how important it is to recognise the gravity of this. If you want to have happy and healthy relationships from now you are going to have to protect yourself and end the relationship. Ask yourself whether this this really the act of a caring man? Would you do this to somebody else? Of course not, you would instinctively want to protect them from damage.
But, he is not protecting you. Therefor he is not good enough, he is leeching your potential for stability and happiness.
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male
reader, tux  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Well I think you need to figure out if you can trust him again. In the end, you need to figure out if maybe he might need to seek out a man to fulfil certain desire in his mind that you will not be able to satisfy which will just lead him to stray that way. As a bi-female, how do you feel when it comes to another woman you like? Do you have that desire? do you actually even chase after or do anything about that desire? And even when you answer those questions, his desires for men might even be different than your desires for women. You need to decide you can live with his behaviour because chances are is that he will probably fall back into it even if he tells you, he won't.
As far as him hiding his bi-sexuality from you, you need to realize that it is harder for a guy to come out and say he likes men than a woman to come out and say they like women. It's a double-standard that works more in favor of women. I'm not saying that is an excuse, but you need to take off your rose-colored glasses and realize things in his mind work differently than yours. It's your choice though to decide if he's worth the hassle you may need to endure if you are with him.
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