A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey there! I got in a relationship 3 months ago with this amazing guy and I really like him. We have been spending all of our weekends together and have been on two trips. The relationship with him was going great until last month when he told me that one of his friends was having trouble and needed to move in with him (he owns a 4 bedroom and 2 house bath which he lives in alone).He told me this friend was a girl and I originally thought that was really nice of him to help out a friend. He had planned for her to move in at the beginning of this month and the day before she moved in we were talking about if people should stay in contact with their ex. This is when he first told me the friend who is moving in is his ex girlfriend who he dated for a year and broke up with 5 months ago. I started to get a little jealous and I told him that but he reassured me they are just friends and even though they only broke up 5 months ago they were “separated” before that and he has no feelings for her. I knew i didn’t have a choice in her moving in since we haven’t been going out that long and he is her friend helping out. I told him that I would be ok with it and we kept dating. I went to his house a couple of times since she moved in but never saw her because she was always out. Last night was the first time we met and she was a really nice person. The problem was when she came into the living room where we were watching a movie he started only talking to her and I felt ignored and like the 3rd wheel. I was originally supposed to stay the night but I felt way too awkward so I left and went home. He texted me a little while later and asked if everything was alright. That is when I texted him and told him I felt uncomfortable around them two and that we shouldn’t date anymore. He said that he was sorry and didn’t even notice that he was doing that. He wanted another chance and that he promises he doesn’t like her and only want to be with me. I told him I needed to time to think and figure out what I want. Do you think I am overreacting and should give him a chance or should I end it completely?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2021): You handled it like a pro. You maintained your dignity, showed extraordinary restraint, maturity, and class. To leave without incident was the best way to handle it.
This guy isn't nice. He's conniving and manipulative. He's testing your gullibility and playing you for stupid.
She isn't just any friend. She is his EX!!! She is someone he only broke-up with five months ago. They've slept together. Isn't it extremely convenient she is having problems at a time he is now dating someone else? Yet he decides to let her move-in with him. Oh there is so much potential drama in this situation, that the only way I see is OUT!!! Sorry, but I don't want to be with anyone living with an ex they've only broken-up with five months ago!!! I'd feel like a rebound-romance just standing-by for the announcement of their reconciliation. She maneuvered her way in-between you. She's nothing but a wedge! Making sure you'll never feel at-ease. She hasn't had enough time to let-go and move on in a measly five months! He's dating too soon anyway!
There is no innocence in this set-up. She is sitting in the driver's seat, giving her every advantage on how to undermine your budding relationship. No, sweetheart, she isn't a nice person; that may only be a façade to lower your guard. She knows exactly what you might be thinking about this; or she wouldn't want to impose on you, and this guy you assume to be your so-called "boyfriend."
You want him, then keep him; but he'd never hear from me again. It's a slap in the face, a blatant display of disrespect for my feelings; and I have far too much self-respect to look like an idiot, by giving my approval. Knowing if I were the ex, and she was in my place; she'd probably have thrown such a hissy-fit there'd be a mushroom cloud over whatever state you're living in.
How can you establish trust in a loaded situation like this? I wouldn't even try. No guy who respects you would do this to you. Oh, but if you were a sister or daughter of mine!
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (21 December 2021):
 Like the other aunts have said, you handled this perfectly, you were calm and never caused a scene so well done you.
Ex's are ex's for a reason, i think that having an ex around is the infancy stages of a relationship, or any time in a relationship for that matter is a huge red flag. For you to have to endure them now living together is even worse, and i think that this is enough to call it a day with him.
I think that when you were both watching the film together she should have respected your privacy but she never. Then he completely ignors you and is completely focused on her, almost forgetting your there which tells he there is more to their relationship than he is letting on.
You did the right thing by leaving, now i think that you should end things with him, wish him well and move on, i think that you deserve better than this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 December 2021):
 I agree with Ciar.
You did the right thing. You didn't cause drama you just left.
In my experience, MOST people who keep exes around after a breakup do it for a reason. Either they are still emotionally invested in them, still love them, want them, OR want to have a backup handy. VERY few people can go totally platonic after a breakup.
I was good friends with my first ex-BF (after we broke up) but it took about a year before we could be friends. But he is really the only ex I have ever wanted to become friends with after a breakup. Deep down? I think we missed each other but never said anything so we both moved on with other people. So was it really a friendship? I don't know. We talk a couple of times a year now (broke up over 25+ years ago).
I think you should just let him go.
I think someone who is SO thoughtless, SO insensitive, and quite frankly... stupid when it comes to dating is not really going to be a good partner long-term.
The fact that he didn't give it a SECOND thought as to why you might have chosen to NOT spend the night after all, shows how little the guy actually USE common sense. Which is NOT AT ALL.
You were right in understanding that it is NOT your decision to make whether he can move someone into his house, who he can be friends with, etc. after only 3 months, but YOU made the right choice in saying, I don't see this working out.
I'd give this fella a hard pass, wish him well, and be done.
Next, he is going to be texting or spending a lot of time with some other female friend and not understand why you aren't happy about that. NO situational awareness OR he is just playing dumb. I mean CAN he be that dumb?
Not sure I'd want to find out.
Anyone with common sense would think this was a total no-brainer.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 December 2021):
 I thought you handled this perfectly.
You haven't bad mouthed her or him, you haven't made any demands. You've been honest and clear about your own boundaries.
My suggestion is you stay the course. Having a platonic female friend move in was questionable, but to have an ex move in, and only tell you she was an ex after he'd already agreed to it, showed very poor character and judgment.
And he did this while you and he are still in the honeymoon phase.
You're not overreacting at all. From what you described, you've been calm and very dignified about it all. And you didn't let an intolerable situation drag on and get worse.
The vast majority of problems we see here are the direct result of lack of common sense and basic courtesy. And he showed that very early on.
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