A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy now for a few months. We live together with a third roomate and we all have jobs. I have never cheated on any of my previous boyfriends, but I will admit I was interested in casually dating some guys behind my boyfriends back. My boyfriend himself has had a history of cheating, but when he discovered my plans, he went crazy.He secretly installed a tracking program on the computer and found the emails I had sent to other guys and even got my password to all of my email accounts. Now he refuses to allow me to spend time with any guy alone, and he monitors my phone and email accounts. I wanted to go to a concert a few days ago, but I couldn't because he was working and he threatened to leave me if I went.I really care about my boyfriend, and I realize I made a mistake by planning to cheat, even if I actually didn't. My question is this, do I really deserve this treatment? Of course I'll have to regain his trust, but must it really be at the sacrifice of my freedom? I am a really headstrong and independant kind of girl, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find the desire to salvage this relationship, when I'm not sure if he'll EVER stop being so jealous. Am I the one in the wrong? Or is he? SHould I keep trying to make it work, considering my strong feeliongs for him, or should I take a walk and save my sense of independance and strength?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Let me see if I finally understand this completely:
He has cheated on past girlfriends, but he never cheated on you.
You have contacted multiple men with the intention of cheating with one or more of them and he discovered that.
You want to go places, perhaps the concert, alone with various other guys (not all at one time) and you expect that he should be fine with that and trust you to just go out and go right back home alone.
You think it is now wrong that he doesn’t trust you and is trying to control who you go out with, even though you have stated that it is other men who you want to go out with. “Now he refuses to allow me to spend time with any guy alone, and he monitors my phone and email accounts.”
Well, sorry, but good luck finding a guy who would feel fine with that. I know that I wouldn’t and I doubt that many guys would. Yes, he is being overly controlling, but you have given him every reason to be that way. Perhaps his past behavior with other women gave you reason to think cheating was fine, but the fact is that it isn’t OK for either of you to cheat if in a committed relationship.
Do you think it would be fine for him to go out alone with other women? Would it be OK with you if he took another woman to a concert if you were working and couldn’t go? Ask yourself what you would do in his situation.
So as not to be too repetitive, I also agree with everything that O Connor said.
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 just because he has cheated on other girls does not make it ok for you to do the same thing to him. and he is not going to see it that way either. you seem to be justifying being with him and cheating on him at the same time when wat you really need to be doing is opening your eyes and seeing that you clearly shouldnt be with this guy.
we are not here to lift your spirits, and tell you wat you want to hear. we are here to help you see the reality of the situation and help you make the right decision.
and as for "despite the control and jealousy we have a good relationship" - do you not think you should go out and find someone who you dont have to say that about. who you dont have to deal with control, deceit and lies. and who you dont wanna cheat on?
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A
male
reader, craig g +, writes (4 August 2008):
 it all depends on whether he cheated or not first if so i cant blame you for pursuing other avenues. if not then its completely your fault and he cant be blamed for being jealous or the relationship falling to pieces. installing a tracking program is a little much but in the end it was justified. you were doing something that you shouldnt have and he just wanted to know for sure. if you had been innocent it would be a complete invasion of privacy but when your in a relationship your supposed to be truthful %100. I dont know if the relationship can be salvaged it sounds like your both angry with the other. it would take alot of work to make a relationship like that work. why did you decide to cheat in the first place? do you still love him? do you think he will ever be able to get over something this big?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Dear poster, I hope that our collective advice will do better than lifting your spirits, by helping you decide the best course of action for yourself, by yourself. THAT will lift your spirits, believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe cheated on other girls, multiple times. Thanks for the advice, though it didn't exaclty lift my spirits. For what it's worth, despite all the jealousy and control, we have a relatively happy relationship and get along well.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 August 2008):
Just a note: it isn't clear whether he cheated on you or not. If he did, this seems like a different problem, but, anyways, it seems like you'd better get out of this relationship right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): People stay together for a whack of reasons, but this site very rarely get letters from people who say they "got over" their partner's intended infidelity or infidelity...period. What we do get, is a ton of letters we from people who feel the pain of betrayal long after-years after the emotional or physical infidelity took place. Why? Because, we are humans, and we want love from someone who loves us to the exclusion of all others. Infidelity is the proof we don't have what we most deeply crave and desire. And your bf now has knowelege of your intended betrayal, so the trust is shattered--gone forever. It's near impossible to get it back. If your bf is acting in this manner, then. I really don't think he will ever get over this. It will linger in the back of his mind, for a long, long time.
He still loves you in his unhealthy, dysfunctional way if he's hanging around but he's making you pay a huge emotional price. He needs to realize that no one should have to put up with a person who violates the most basic trust in a relationship.. His actions are saying to you "U will remain here but I will never trust you again". I also really think this relationship is on it's last legs. So now, you have to decide something. Do your get out of this and make a fresh start elsewhere, allowing your bf to do the same or...do you stay, no matter what. If you stay then you will need to understand that your bf's behaviors are those of hurt, resentment and anger and that he is enslaving you in this very unhealthy relationship. Gather up the strength and walk away and make a promise to yourself, never to mess with someones emotions like this again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): You don't say if he cheated on you or if he cheated on someone or others before he started dating you. If he never cheated on you then this problem is primarily your fault. If he cheated on you first then you share the blame, with more going to him.
I don't blame him for not trusting you at all if you were the first one to cheat in this relationship and I don't blame you for desiring to cheat if he was the first one to cheat in this relationship.
However, it doesn't really matter at this point. Relationships are built on trust and not on cheating. I don't see any hope for this relationship.
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A
female
reader, O Connor +, writes (3 August 2008):
the trust in this "relationship" is obviously gone. he didnt trust you so hacked into your accounts. now you cant trust him . you were both in the wrong here. he went behind your back and invaded your privacy, but you went behind his back planning to cheat. i think that you are both better off walking away from this one. if you were planning on cheating on him, you obviously arent in love with him anymore, even though you may still care about him. he shouldnt have done wat he did either. you need to make the right decision and walk away from this one. it seems to me that you are both past working on this. you also dont seem to remorseful about wat you were doing.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 You are both wrong, and unfortunately in this situation, two wrongs don't make a right.
You don't sound particularly remorseful for what you were doing. Often people's jealousy is triggered for real reasons: namely that their partner is cheating or thinking of cheating and they are subconsciously picking up on that. Given that you clearly were at least thinking about it, his jealousy is somewhat understandable.
Having said that, it sounds like he's become 'surveillance boyfriend', which is not only unreasonable, it's damaging to bot you and your relationship.
If you really like this guy then the two of you need to sit down and call a truce. Re-introduce some trust, give a little intimacy and see what happens. But, to be honest, that does sound a bit like a losing proposition here.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 He was cheating, so you decided to cheat on him, and now he's turned into a control freak.
This isn't a case of one of you being in the wrong, and the other being in the right. Sorry, but you are both in the wrong.
You need to ask yourself why you wanted to date other guys. If you can be honest about that then you'll either find your answer about what to do or have the basis to talk with your boyfriend and see if there is a way forward.
It would be tempting to say that it sounds like you both deserve each other, though really that would be unfair. You both deserve the chance to be happy, and it doesn't sound like that will be together.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 August 2008):
While I can't commmend you on your plans to cheat on him, I can't commend him either on the way he has handled it. He just doesn't trust you anymore. Instead of doing the right thing, that is, ending the relationship, he wants to keep you under control all the time.
I don't think this will get any better. If I were you, I would tell him something like "Will you ever trust me?". But I don't think this can be fixed.
He may have been a cheater, but this one time you are to blame. This doesn't have to do with independence and strength, but trust. Planning to cheat is actually as bad as cheating: what prevented you from doing it was that your boyfriend found out about it. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but because we cannot fix our mistakes if we don't see them the way they really are. If you walk out of this relationship (and, frankly, I can't recommend anything else), it will be because you blew it. Don't blame him for that part. Blame him for being unable to handle it correctly.
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