A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Please help me, I’d appreciate some honest feedback. Me and my bf have had a tricky relationship at the best of times. We are both complex artistic people. I was a heroin addict years ago and I probably have mild mental health issues, I guess this is not my fault, it’s just the way things are. I have had years of therapy and feel better some of the time. I seem to be unlucky in love and am probably a ‘love addict/codependent/ needy ‘ person, if that makes any sense. Anyway, the main issue is that we have been struggling for a while but we are still in love with eachother and are trying to make it work. Loads of stuff has gone down between us, too much to go into but lets just say we have both been out of order. I need to make one thing clear here, I want to make this relationship work and stay with him more than anything. Ok, so last weekend he went out drinking with his mate. I got very insecure about this. He has started going out with his mates more, but it is still only about once a fortnight. I started to obsess that he was on the lookout for someone new. I have always struggled with insecurity and worry that my mates will be unfaithful although as far as I know that never happens. What does happen is that they leave me because they cant stand being suffocated by me, but I still cant seem to stop. Anyway, I asked him if he had met anyone else and he said ‘not really.’ My heart sank so I asked what does that mean? He then told me that he had basically chatted some girl up/flirted with her in a bar. I asked if anything had happened and he said no. I asked why he had told me and he said because I kept asking him. he also said ‘what do you expect, I’ve been unhappy.’We discussed this at length over the weekend, and I was very upset and would not let it go. This was last Sunday, today is Friday and to be honest, I have basically thought of nothing else all week. I don’t know what to do. I want to let it go but not sure if I should? It sounds to me that he was just flirting and I am the kind of person who is in favour of flirting whether one is in a relationship or not. I flirt but it doenst mean anything, it’s just flirting. So why am I so bothered about this? It’s devastated me! Even though he has told me that he only spoke to her because he was drunk and that he cant even remember what she looks like now and that it didn’t mean anything and that he loves me. I am worried that I am once again living out this pattern of being insecure and making excuses that now I have a ‘reason’ to be insecure. I am holding onto this like a dog with a bone and all I want is to actually let it go and be with him again but I also feel that I don’t trust him anymore and whenever he mentions that he is going to go out with his friends I’m now afraid that I will not be able to trust him, which is horrible. I guess what I am asking is should I let this go? Like I said before, I have a tendency to feel very insecure and hold on to stuff and push my partners away. I am struggling so much to let this one go, but I do want to. I love him. He has apologised for telling me. In a way I think he probably has nothing to hide as he was honest with me. I mean, what would you guys do if this happened to you? Like I said before it sounds like harmless flirting but I wish so much that he had not told me. I feel that it has damaged the relationship. At the same time I have gone on about this all week and don’t really want to keep talking about it, I know he feels the same way. We both want to move on but I feel so hurt and I don’t know whether I am blowing this up out of all proportion. Please help, I feel desperate. We do want to stay together, things are just hard right now. Your thoughts please.
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 I am a CBT hynotherapist, and all I can say that will help is that you need to sort your own personal issues before you start any kind of couples therapy. The problem you have here is how you are perceiving and processing things. You're feeling the way you are because you are dwelling on this one thing and your mind is sensationalising it, making it bigger than it actually is. The councilling that you received before, did you think that maybe its time to try something different? Sitting in councilling for years is not healthy or conclusive for changing thought patterns!Experience: cured my 15 years of depression and self abuse in under a week with CBT Hypnotherapy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Thanks Jonas, I love your reply, so kind. I had years of therapy and it did help, I think it saved my life at one point. Like I said I am currently waiting to start CBT. I am a bit messed up and I want to trust him.
Thanks again for all your answers, I'm glad you guys have told me to let it go and move on. I now need to put that in to action!
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A
female
reader, aAoa  +, writes (18 March 2011):
in general if a problem arises and a guy doesn't discuss it then he's gonna leave you.. but your bf told you about it i'm not sure if he told you what he was feeling so that you two can discuss it or just out of frustration but i think you should discuss it with him.. ask him why he is unhappy everything.. what he wants to do.. is he unhappy enough to break it off..if it is because of something you did he is unhappy..?please don't be angry when you talk to him about it.. or you could end up fighting instead of solving your issues... just try and be level headeddon't let this relationship go because of your insecurities.. just ask him to be honest.. and go from thereeven i get insecure wen my bf talks to other girls.. it is okay to be insecure..but i suggest you be honest to him and be committedit takes two to make a relationship workbest of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Hi, I am the original poster. So you are both saying to drop it, that is what I want to hear but I am finding it hard as I have been obsessing about it and crying a lot.
You say as long as he wasn’t hitting on her and I guess he wasn’t. I asked him what he would’ve done if she had come on to him and he told me that he would not have been unfaithful to me.
I don’t want to go into detail around what has happened between us that has been damaging but from my side I have been pretty bad at times. I have been allocated counselling by the doctor which I am waiting for. I agree that we need couple counselling but I’m pretty sure he will not agree to that and to be honest I’m not sure I want to. I find it hard enough being honest with myself and my therapist and not sure if I could handle the intensity of couple counselling. I kind of think that when it gets to the point that you need couple counselling you know it’s over.
Well, I am seeing him tomorrow, I haven’t seen him all week and I miss him like crazy. He asked to have some space last weekend as I went so mental over this situation and he couldn’t handle it anymore. I’m going to have to let it go now, what choice do I have? At the end of the day, I am always flirting with other men and I can take it a little too far sometimes. I kind of respect his honesty but it still really hurts, I’m not that honest with him and have no intention of being so! I don’t like the way he blamed me for it either, and I have explained that we both need to stop heaping more damage on the relationship before it goes so far that it is too late. He is quite a blaming/angry person anyway so that’s just in his nature anyway. I know that makes him sound horrible but he can be so lovely too and has some great characteristics.
Thank you for taking the time to answer, it’s really kind of you.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 First of all, don’t beat yourself up over this! If I was dating a guy and he told me he’d been flirting in a bar with another woman, I wouldn’t be too happy either. I think the part that bothered me the most was your boyfriend’s response, “what do you expect, I’ve been unhappy.” Instead of apologizing, he defended his behavior, and inferred that it was your fault. You are not responsible for his happiness! However, I do give him credit for fessing up and apologizing. As long as he wasn’t hitting on this woman or asking her for a date, I would drop it.
You stated, “Loads of stuff has gone down between us, too much to go into but let’s just say we have both been out of order.”
It sounds like there are many unresolved issues between you and your boyfriend, and neither one of you is completely innocent. Are you still receiving counseling? If you think you are a “love addict/codependent/needy person”, and you have “mild mental health issues”, then you need to talk to a therapist on a regular basis. Your neediness is a direct result of your insecurity. In fact, I would imagine many of your problems stem from your insecurity and low self-esteem.
You really need to focus on bettering yourself. In addition to therapy, you ought to get involved with such things as clubs, volunteer work, exercise, adult coed sports, and hobbies. Are you happy with your job? If not, go take some evening classes and get a degree in something you enjoy.
Your boyfriend has problems of his own that need to be addressed. Is he doing anything about them? Do you two communicate well? I get the impression this is a turbulent relationship. If you really want to invest your time and energy into making this relationship work, you two need to go to couples counseling. I’m not sure I see this working out unless both of you are willing to give 100% of your attention to repairing the damage, and working on communication skills. Have you spoken to him about this?
Please keep us updated! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I think what you should do now is not to be so clingy and insecure. Give him all your trust and all your love. If he continues flirting with other people, just ignore it no matter how hurt u feel, hide it and just love him and connect with him. Trust him with all your hard and don't drive him away. Sooner or later, if he really does love you he'll stop flirting with other girls. Goodluck I hope your relationship works out. bcuz a relationship is based on trust and honesty. so trust him and make him happy. :)
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