A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Iv been a bit depressed lately,because my family is going through a crisis, and iv been feeling very low, my PhD work is all stacked up..i have so much to do and i dont even know where to start from, and to top it all, I have a clingy boyfriend (Im going to call him Alec). Iv been with him for 2 years now, but of late things are not quite working out. When I started dating him, I had just gotten out of a disastrous relationship with a guy who cheated on me, so it was so nice to have Alec in my life, whom i had sort of always known, but never really interacted with. He had been in love with me forever...everybody knew it, so it was a wonderful, loving relationship. The problem now is that, there's a little too much love! I mean, he wants to be there with me all the time (we dont live together), so its really difficult to meet him whenever he wants. My mom doesn't approve of him at all, because neither does he have a good job nor is he good to look at. I know thats shallow, but honestly, he is not really good to look at. That doesn't bother me, but its all a part of whatever's going on. Anyway, so while I try to be there for him as much as I can, I do crave for my own space, which he doesn't understand. Now that Iv been feeling a bit low because of the problem in the family, Alec has been of absolutely no help. He doesn't want my relationship with him to be disrupted in any way, i shud be the same happy, cheery person around him, and he cannot stand it if I am out with anyone else in the span of time that I'm supposed to be with him. I got back from my university yesterday and i was really tired and didn't want to see him becoz i just wasn't in the mood, so i went for a drive with my friend instead. He saw me somewhere and just blew his top saying that how can i not want to be with him?? Its ridiculous! I'm supposed to wish him good night every night without fail, or he sulks; the second I get up in the morning Im supposed to call him...if i dont...Im not in love with him or maybe Iv gotten bored of him!! Its getting too much really. I have enough to worry about as it is, without having on overbearing boyfriend. Iv tried talking to him, but nothing works.I cant be with him like this, although he is a wonderful human being. What should I do? By any chance am i overreacting? Should I take a break for a while?
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a break, cheated on me, depressed, in the mood, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. This does give me a much better perspective.
Another incident..he asked me in the morning if I wanted to go for lunch today, and i said ok...but then i decided i wasn't feeling all that good, so I called and told him is it ok if we go for a snack or something, since Im not really in the lunch mood today. He fumed at me and yelled that he wouldn't be back before 1:00 in the afternoon because he has work, and how could I cancel plans on him. But i didn't really cancel while i could have, you know. Anyway, so the next i hear from him is at 12:15, out of the blue texting me "I rushed back and lets meet up". I didn't want to, yet I got dressed and thought I wud meet him for an hour or something and have a cup of coffee. Turns out, he was expecting lunch...i dont know how!! He literally screamed at me on the road, saying I'm always irritable and changing plans, and he refused to go anywhere!!
I know i should see the red flags here. He's smothering me and is controlling and big ron has hit the nail on the head. This guy doesn't really have a life, and all his hopes, and fears, are pinned on me. I asked him to quit drinking which he has...and he reminds me of that everyday, as if he's done a huge favor to me. He's EXTREMELY possessive, doesn't want to let go of me for even a second and is childish and jealous. Yep...i need to dump this man!! I dont even have the space to breathe!
A
male
reader, whiteelephant  +, writes (17 October 2010):
he obviously doesn't understand that you are a person with your own needs and desires or a relationship is supposed to function like a maid for him.
break, break up, something. this isn't acceptable behavior out of him and the longer you keep being with him the way you are the more you're going to exacerbate it
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2010):
 You are not overreacting. If you've tried to talk to him and he doesn't listen to you, then end it with him. Not "Take a break", but "break up". If you tell him that you want a break, he'll keep smothering you trying to get you to end the break. If you tell him that you want to be just friends, he'll take that also as a sign of hope.
Tell him you're juggling too much in your life, and that you need to be single.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Take a break? I was expecting you to ask whether you should break it up with him for good or not. This overbearing boyfriend of yours is... Let me find some adjectives....
A few words to describe him: immature, insensitive, unrefined, childish, spoiled.
A wonderful man? Really? Seriously? From the sounds of it, he expects you to be on his beck and call all the time. He has absolutely no respect for your own space, your own feelings or any idea of what it means to be in a loving relationship. There is no such thing as "over-love". What he is doing is smothering you, controlling you and blowing up at something he wasn't able to provide in the first place. If I acted the way he did, I would first ask you to slap me silly, then douse me with a tub of freezing cold water and then fly over to Burma to become a monk.
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