A
female
age
41-50,
*liana
writes:I'm 33 and have been in a fabulous relationship of 6 months with my boyfriend. He speed up things since we met by introducing me to his friends and family very quickly, inviting me to go with him to a wedding 3 weeks after our first kiss, making tons of holiday projects with me. After 4.5 months he told me his desire to have a child with me and after discussion we did not use any condom anymore. He told me almost every day how much he loved me and treated me like a princess. His friends also used to tell me how radiant he was since he met me and that they had never seen him so in love with a girl. After 6 months I went on holidays with my family for one week. When I came back, I found my boyfriend cold, distant, irritable. I did not recognize him (last I had seen him he invited me for a romantic night out and we talked about baby names!). A few hours later he exploded, told me that it was not normal that we had never had a single fight until now, told me that everything was going too fast, reproached me thousand things (he had never told me anything before). I cried, panicked. 2 days after, we met to discuss and he told me that he had already had a few doubts before my holidays, realized that he had not missed me when I was on holidays and that my desperate behavior during our fight had stressed him and he wanted to break up. Apparently he has not met anybody..I had never, ever mentioned the words "future", "baby", "move in together"..So how can he love me one day, make tons of projects with me and out of the blue get rid of me asap??I guess he got scared.. It's true that things went fast between us but if he really loved me he could just say "let's take it a bit slower" and not break up!! Especially because he was the one who speed up things!Thanks for your help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): Oh my!! I Just went through this exact same situation. 6 months over over the top courting, gifts, grandiose gestures and proclamations of affection. Then BAM! Out of the blue he dumped me. It's been six weeks of he'll trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered, humiliated self and get it together enough to move on with my life.I've not heard from him since but I know he's with someone else already and probably was around a month or so before we finished. It's very typical for these guys to hop from woman to woman to keep the high of "being in love". These individuals hate to be by themselves as at the core of it all, they dislike themselves immensley. These type of guys have a severe personality disorder and women to them are objects and not living, breathing feeling individuals.We're both lucky to have gotten out so soon.
A
female
reader, Aliana +, writes (2 October 2011):
Aliana is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear All,
I am very grateful for all your answers.
Many thanks..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): It reminds me one of my friends that her boyfriends of 4 months never mentioned anything about the future and even when she brought that up he said I can’t be sure about the future at this point. After some ups and down she got distant with the guy and met someone else who started to talk about their honeymooned after one month! I warned her and she didn’t listen. I suggested her to see the Counselor and she did. She talked about the both guys and she was suggested that run away from the guy who is planning the honeymoon and give the other one some time! It came out the honeymoon guy was married with 2 children! Finally after 2 years she got married with the first guy. Some rules are universal. You are lucky that you found it early that you can’t trust him and he is not a stable person…! End it now......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): No offense, but he did not love YOU. Sounds like a man who is just in love with falling in love. Once the rush is gone, so is he- off to find it again w/someone new.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Sorry but he is not a viable person. I don't know what the medical term is, but the reality will be misery for you. Find someone else and be glad you have got out of it early...
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Yeah, this sounds like a bit of mental illness. You "rode the high" with him, and it's evidenced by the incredible speedup of milestones. Wanting children? Stopping condoms? Talking about love and marriage and children in very few months?
That's very unsettling that he fights you over the fact that you two haven't fought yet?? And that he wanted to break up based on how you reacted during your fight? Yuck.
This guy just did you a favor. Run away fast! Consider yourself fortunate you didn't conceive a kid with him, because those types of mood swings are dangerous.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Can you say bi-polar??? Up one day...completely down the next. 180 degree about face. This guy is extremely unstable from what you have described. Hot one minute, cold the next. It's probably good for you to see this side of him now, rather than later. Bi polar people are usually "up" for months before you see their dark side. I would run, not walk to the nearest exit and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (1 October 2011):
Can you say bi-polar??? Up one day...completely down the next. 180 degree about face. This guy is extremely unstable from what you have described. Hot one minute, cold the next. It's probably good for you to see this side of him now, rather than later. Bi polar people are usually "up" for months before you see their dark side. I would run, not walk to the nearest exit and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 "After 4.5 months he told me his desire to have a child with me and after discussion we did not use any condom anymore."
Whaaaaaaat?! And you accepted. I keep saying this to all women I meet who are in a relationship with a man like this: easy come easy go. If a man is full out on tons of emotions, plans, and goes to all the extremes at a short time, then he will just as quickly retreat and go poof on you. They are also called, maybe wrongly, "passionate men". They are very passionate about you one moment.. and then they are very passionate about someone else the next moment. They are not reliable. They love being in love, and then they quickly fall in love, and just as quickly fall OUT of love.
These men are the ones who push for things to go fast. It's not you, I fully believe that. I've encountered these men before. Heck I was engaged to one, I should know. After one month he wanted us to move in together, and after 4 months he proposed to me, and 8 months later he wanted a break, and then began a cycle of dumping me after every fight we had, only to come back after each time with roses and great declarations of love. And it was HE who had proposed, not me! So yes, I know all about it.
I recently also was with a man who after only a few weeks told his family he was serious about me, introduced me quickly to his family, and brought me with him on family holidays. Then a few months later.. nothing.
He "didn't miss you" when you were on vacation? Let me explain to you, if you have not heard of these "passionate men" before... That he never loved YOU. Sorry. I know it hurts. But it's the truth, he didn't love you. If he loved you, he'd have missed you. And true love doesn't disappear over night. Love is something you nurture and it can keep growing, or it can slowly fade away. But it certainly does not disappear after only a week for no reason what-so-ever. His excuses also smell of bullshit. And this is because he doesn't understand things himself. He doesn't know himself. He isn't mature. He's a man of passion who lives in the moment, and he loves the feeling of being super super excited about something, plotting and planning, he gets a kick out of it, like he's climbing a mountain and can stand at the top roaring like Tarzan. That's what he loves. In this case, you were that mountain top. He got to the top. He did his roar. And then he took a look around and figured out that it wasn't all that great after all. And now he wants to climb down again, so that he can scout out his next triumph. These triumphs can be anything from a woman to a new job prospect, to a project he'll never finish etc.
These "passionate men" hardly ever finish what they start.
It's not you! It's him. But now you have learned to NEVER get carried away, because men who rush into things will just as quickly rush out of them. If he is serious about you he will take his time to show you that he is serious, instead of trying to knock you up after mere months.
Such passionate behaviour can also be a sign of a personality disorder, by the way. My father is bipolar and is also a very very passionate man, who rushes into new projects and ideas close to ever week, rarely finishes, pulls out of plans and take 180 turns constantly. He wanted a kid with my mom after 5 months, then changed his bloody mind about it, however my mom was already pregnant by then. And my dad didn't want the child any more. But mom carried through with it, and had me. But I've learned from my mom's mistake: NEVER GET IN TOO DEEP WITH A MAN WHO RUSHES THINGS. It's never a good sign when a man blows out too strong at the beginning of a relationship.
Next time you meet a man like this, hold back. Tell him no, that you want to wait to see where this relationship is going, and if you are in a strong and long term relationship you can think about these things. Wait at least one year. Cosmopolitan also says that researches found out it takes around 7 months to truly get to know someone. It is not accidental that after 6 months he changes his mind. The first real turning-point is after 6-7 months....
You will manage! You will get through! This man is crazy, and you were in love and wanted to believe him so much... it's not a crime to want love. However this man is an idiot.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 October 2011):
 I experienced this before. I suspect your bf freaked himself out and needed someone to blame for his actions. I might also suspect your bf had a personality disorder or is possibly narcissistic.
HE was the one that moved way too fast, made the plans, told you that you were the one and ran off into these grandiose dreams.
You believed him and went for that fantastic ride. Unfortunately, that is all it really is with a narcissist. People are disposable and interchangable. Your feelings are irrational and unimportant. If they have any negative emotions or thoughts-you are blamed for things you did or did not do.
Narcissist believe they really are the most special people and their partners should just as special and faultless. When you went away, he might have been alone with his own thoughts and started to see some faults of his own. Rather than face the truth that he was moving too fast, it was easier to point the finger at you as the problem.
As much as this hurts (I know!) you need to realize he did you a favor to show you his true colors. Before you got more involved making serious plans and investing money, he let you know he is NOT the committment kind.
Yes, he could have taken it slower, been much more thoughtful, etc. I am sure you are confused and spinning, especially since the friends said he was happy. How he handled this shows you how he handles internal conflict and challenges. You WANT to see that in a potential husband, because crap does happen in a marriage and you want someone who is strong enough to face it and not run away.
If he could give up this easily and quickly, then he really was not committed to you. He not only lied to you about who he was, and what he really wanted. He lied to himself and had his friends convinced pretty well too.
Take the time to heal. To love yourself well as you reassemble your self esteem, etc. This experience will also teach you something very important. It is a HUGE red flag when I man starts making BIG plans with you so soon.
You have brakes of your own to use. (No blame or judgment there-just remember you have that power!)
Men AND women are capapble of this sort of behavior. I broke up with a best friend because I saw her do this to a really wonderful guy. She was the happiest I had ever seen her, but she was moving so fast and acting really out of charachter. I hoped for the best, but when she started making such big plans so fast...(wedding,joint business, babies, etc) I realized she was obsessive with the fantasy of it all and not the real guy. People in that state of mind are the stars in their own shows. All other people are just players in their script. If they do not like the way the show is going-they cancel it and close the theatre.
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