A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m so paranoid about my boyfriend leaving me that I’ve been waiting on him hand and foot and being overly sexual with him. Before you all start calling him a pig who treats me like shit, he’s not. He’s the sweetest, kindest, most caring man I’ve ever met. He’s also absolutely gorgeous and I can’t believe he’s even with me in all honesty. If you saw a picture of us together you’d definitely say I was ‘punching’. He used to be a male model and has a ripped, muscled and toned body whilst I’m distinctly average looking and on the larger side. We’re both 27, have been together for nearly three years and have recently moved in with each other. When I look at things from an outside perspective, I should be happy and excited for the future. But instead I just worry all the time. My paranoia is through the roof. I’m paranoid that he’s gonna go and cheat every time he leaves our flat, paranoid that he doesn’t love me and paranoid that he could walk out on me at the drop of a hat. I even have nightmares about him dumping me. He works for an insurance company with seven others in his department, three of whom are women. I have always been jealous of them because in my mind they’re much better looking than me, skinnier, more glamorous etc. and the kinds of girls most men would froth at the mouth over. Part of me always dreads him sitting in an office all day with them. But really I don’t know why I should be worrying. Two of them have boyfriends for one thing and last year when I met them at a work’s dinner they were all so nice and friendly with me. They seemed like the type of girls I could actually be friends with, yet I’m just paranoid about them for no reason. He’s also got a female friend who he’s known since he was 8 that I’m paranoid about. They go out together with a load of his other friends and whenever they do I always find myself secretly tracking his phone to see where they’re all going. It’s wrong I know, but I can’t help it. Really though he’s always said she’s like a sister to him and I can definitely see that they don’t fancy each other so I don’t know why I worry about it so much. The thing is though he’s never actually given me any reason to feel like I do because he’s been an amazing, loyal boyfriend. We’ve had some really fantastic times together so far, he’s never lied to me or done things like hide his phone or arrive home late from work without saying why etc. We hardly ever argue and when we do it’s only over really petty things that aren’t that important or relevant. We’ve mapped out a future together which he is passionate and enthusiastic about and I’ve never not felt loved by him. My friends even notice and say he dotes on me. So I don’t get why I feel like this. If anything, my insecurity is what will RUIN our relationship in the long run if I can’t sort myself out. I suppose the good thing is I don’t accuse him of anything outright because deep down I know it’d always be untrue. I just bottle all these feelings up because they’re completely unjustified.On the bedroom side of things I always try to be as kinky and adventurous as possible, even though he never asks me to. He’s always seemed happy enough with normal run of the mill sex but I feel like I have to push the boat out and be more exciting to keep him interested in me. I knew he had a few fantasies including having anal sex and one evening when he’d been for a drink after work with his colleagues including the three women he works closely with, he got home and I felt that jealous that I insisted we go straight to bed and have sex. Feeling insecure for no real reason I offered him anal without him having to ask. He obviously couldn’t believe his luck and filled his boots but I didn’t get anything out of it. It didn’t hurt but I hardly got much pleasure from it. Afterwards I just felt really embarrassed with myself for being so easy, it’s definitely not me. I also give him oral all the time even though I don’t really like it but again, at no point does he ever pressure me into doing it. It’s all my choice. He just happily accepts it and why wouldn’t he? Then there’s the cooking and housework. I do pretty much all of it. Not because he’s lazy or refuses, I just insist on doing it all myself. Whenever he does anything like vacuuming or dusting I feel guilty because he works more hours than me so I always feel like he shouldn’t have to be doing it. I finish earlier than him on work days so always insist on getting home, making sure the flat is tidy and tea is on the table for when he gets in. Again though, he never asks me or makes me feel like I have to. But I just feel like if I don’t do these things then there’s always going to be another girl out there for him who will. It’s ridiculous I know. One time he had his mates round for a 'FIFA tournament' and I made myself scarce but only after cleaning the whole flat from top to bottom, stocking the fridge full of beer and even leaving him money to buy them all pizza. I really pushed the boat out for him when really I didn't have to. He picks up on my insecurities all the time and always assures me that I have nothing to worry about, but it’s just never enough for my stupid brain. His Mum told me she’s never seen him happier since he’s been with me. I even snooped through his internet history and saw that he’d been looking at ENGAGEMENT RINGS. He’s literally thinking about proposing to me, but it still doesn’t help my paranoia. I feel absolutely rotten that I’ve probably ruined any kind of surprise he’d been planning for me by being so nosy. But I just can’t help it. How can I change?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2021): There's going one-step further than being insecure. That's being "possessive" or "territorial." That's when you behave as if you "own" particular people; and don't want to share them with anyone. You treat them like a prized-possession, and your personal-property. You objectify them with ownership.
You can only suppress that behavior but for so long; and it will eventually push its way up to the surface. You seem like a nice person; but you have a serious problem with jealousy. Your self-esteem is being devalued and discarded; just to make more room for exalting his ego.
Let me warn you! Jealousy and clingy-behavior will drive you to do some very crazy and hurtful things. Eventually, you will get too frustrated; and then overwhelmed with anxiety. You will say and do unreasonable things that he will not be able to tolerate, or will never understand. You've already started! Resist these impulses with all your might, my dear! No matter how hard it is to do so! Love requires trust to sustain it! Without it, love is starved of nourishment. It will wither and die. It will be snuffed-out like a candle in a breeze. You will destroy it with self-fulfilling prophesy. You believe he'll leave; so you will drive him away!
No-one likes to be distrusted; and waste their time loving someone who doesn't believe they love them.
Claiming you feel he will abandon or leave you isn't completely the problem. You can't believe he really cares for you, in all his unearthly-perfection; so you'll go overboard trying to guilt-trip him into remaining faithful and under your control. You think drowning him in sex will quell his manly-urges; by trying to keep him over-satisfied. It can do exactly the opposite. Manipulation is not demonstrating how much you love him back!
He's not an idiot, or some mindless-penis walking around on two legs. He will (or does) realize what you're up-to. Sooner or later, he won't appreciate the excessive-sex as an expression of love; but he'll realize it's a tool to manipulate and control him. Just another of your insecure demonstrations of how much you can't trust him. Meanwhile, you'll take all the fun and novelty out of making-love. You'll cheapen it with sleazy pornographic-performances; while acting completely out of character. Excessively "kinky" isn't always necessary to make a guy happy, or to keep him!!! It depends on the kind of guy he is. There is also a point when a guy will lose respect for you. You CAN go completely overboard! It's cool to surprise him now and then. It's also good to ask him what he likes, and tell him what you like; so you both can consider if it's doable, and you'll like it too. Your pleasure matters, and you deserve equal satisfaction from whatever you do.
Overeating doesn't mean you'll never get hungry again; or you won't get tired of eating the same-old thing! He may go along with your "being kinky," and acting as if you're insatiable; but he may not like where it's coming from, or your motives behind it!
You will learn one-day that you can't be everything anyone could want. You will also learn, just because people are physically-attractive; it doesn't mean they're untrustworthy, superficial, and incapable of loving someone for who they are. Overcompensating for all the wrong reasons will drive him away, not keep him, girlfriend!
If he were the one writing a post to DC; and told us that no matter what he does, he couldn't reassure or convince you enough that he loves you. I would tell him that he has no obligation to cater to your insecurities. I'd warn him that you are likely to sabotage your relationship; looking for a predictable-ending. All because you've convinced yourself, sooner or later, he is going to leave you for someone better looking than you. He might leave you, but not for the reasons you think! You don't love yourself for the way the good Lord made you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made! He blessed you with love! You don't believe you can be loved for who you are; so you will find a way to make your boyfriend into some kind of creature of perfection. Underhandedly setting you up for heartbreak and abandonment! Hence, he will be charged with the laborious chore of proving his love is real and sincere. Only to be met with skepticism or doubt. It's exasperating!!!
Are you the heiress of a huge fortune? Are you, or your family, famous? Are you blackmailing him? Why shouldn't he love you, just because he does???
You're behaving like a sex-addict; and throwing yourself at him like an insatiable nymphomaniac in a porn video! You are worshiping him like an idol, and have placed him up on a golden pedestal. While devaluing yourself like you're unworthy. Don't treat yourself like that! You're not one of his fans or disciples...you're his girlfriend! Perhaps his wife, or mother of his children someday.
Sweetheart, God blessed you with someone who truly cares for you. We all run the risk of our beautiful partners leaving for whatever reason. When all things are good, and they repeatedly demonstrate the fact they love us; we should be thankful to God, and cherish what we have while we have it. Not spend all our precious time wondering when it's all going to go wrong or end. He may lose you, but by your own devices! You might just give-up; after all he has invested! Only because you just can't believe he's sincere, or his love is real. You'll leave the poor-guy at the alter; or you'll purposely do something terrible to make him give-up on you!
Your cynicism, possessiveness, and distrust is going to cost you the relationship; and not him wanting somebody else, like you choose to believe.
The snooping around on his devices is also a red-flag that he might be getting himself into something that will be horrendous down the road. Your possessiveness and insecurity is going to make marriage miserable for the both of you.
Tracking his phone and following-up on his whereabouts like a stalker is really a serious red-flag.
Had he written DC, I would tell him to put any marriage-proposal he was contemplating on-hold! If you don't trust him, it is because you are too insecure about yourself! Therefore, too much of a risk to make him a good wife. If you should decide to start a family together; the cohesiveness of the family-unit will be consistently compromised. You'll always be on pins and needles when he's out of your sight; and poised to divorce him, and take his child (or children) with you. He has just as much at risk as you do! His heart can be broken too!
You want this to last. Trust him! Whatever he gives, it should be reciprocated. It's not just about you!!!
Stop doing sexual-acts you don't really enjoy. Fight and overcome your insecurities, and get them under control. All men don't want raunchy-sex, and most don't want their wives behaving like women in porn videos. They prefer her to be herself! He would have gotten someone different; if he wanted someone for the sake of image and narcissism. You shouldn't perform any sex-act unless you really want to. You could do anything and everything he could ever like; but if he is the cheating-type, he's going to do it anyway. Cheapening yourself, and contorting yourself into anything imaginable won't make any guarantees. Your self-esteem, self-respect, and dignity are valuable. Let no-one take them away from you! Never...I don't care who they are!!! Only God deserve worship! He's a jealous God, and has the right to be. HE MADE US AND EVERYTHING! He's God! Your boyfriend is only human. Not destined to cheat on you, or abandon you; because you may believe that's how all men are! That kind of thinking is really messed-up! He should do an about-face, and run for sure! You got him, you'll find another one!
You are not wife-material; until you get your act together. It isn't your looks that make you worthy of a good-man; it's your character and behavior. How do you think people remain together and continue to love each-other, even when their significant-others are disfigured with burns or sustain severe injuries in combat? They love the heart, core, and soul of that person; and they overcome anything that gets in their way. It's not just their appearance, it goes way deeper than that. You mistakenly equate value to appearance. You've sold-out to the brainwashing of the beauty and fashion industry. I also once modeled, long-time ago. It was phony, superficial, and plastic. I didn't voluntarily pursue it, it was offered to me. It totally sucked! I quit, and joined the Air Force; and I loved it! I hate taking pictures now! I'm older, and learned a few things along the way.
Sweetheart, you are loved, and you deserve it. Leave it at that! If you have even a tiny speck of faith in God, pray He takes this insecurity away. Be thankful for finding love; and nourish it. Don't taint it with jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. Keep it pure and simple. You've gotten more proof than necessary to know he loves you; demanding more than necessary will kill it.
Insecurity kills relationships!!! If he leaves you, you'll find love again.
God bless you!
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (5 July 2021):
 There is only one way you are going to change things and its all starts with yourself.
You need to start valuing your self worth, start loving yourself more.
You have been together for 3 years, and in all this time he has never given you a reason for you to not trust him. He sounds like a really nice guy, is in love with you, and dotes on you a lot.
Normally snooping through partners phones, or internet history are the acts of someone who suspects they are being cheated on.
Now the results of your snooping on his history has ruined what was supposed to be a special suprise. This alone should tell you that he is for you, and only you.
You really need to stop these insecurities and start trusting him. Start loving yourself and tell yourself positive affirmations in the morning, at night, and as you go through your day.
The greatest love we can ever have is the love we have for ourselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2021): It's clear that you are severely lacking in self-esteem and that in my opinion is the core problem here. You de-value yourself at the drop of a hat. Maybe it is because of moments from your past? Of course an outsider can only speculate but have you had bad experiences at school or in previous relationships? Were you overly criticised or pressured into doing well by your parents?It is a shame that you feel the need to snoop on him all the time and you have most probably ruined the surprise element of him proposing to you, which I would personally be kicking myself over and over again about. It's also really saddening that you feel like you have to do sexual things you don't like because of your insecurities, especially when he's not even putting any pressure on you to do these things. Please stop.My advice would be to make the following list. These are some key points you've made in your post:1. He tells you he loves you all the time2. You've been together for 3 years and he's still there, why would he put so much time into a relationship if he wanted to leave you?? 4. He's excited about the future with YOU 5. Your Mum said he's happier than he's ever been since he's been with YOU.6. Your friends say he dotes on YOU.7. YOU clearly make him happy.8. He's been looking at Engagement Rings for YOU.Trust me: You sound more than good enough in his mind. Whenever you feel worried, scared, jealous, insecure etc just look at this list and read it over and over again. Surely this should be more than enough reassurance for you? The problem as well is how much longer can you keep bottling things up before you start becoming possessive? A Bunny boiler? He sounds like a really nice guy, don't blow it!And for God's Sake don't stop him doing some housework! My husband literally never lifts a finger at home so just appreciate it! I can't tell you what I'd give to see him do some cleaning for once!
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A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (5 July 2021):
 im glad you know it's all in your head, maybe seek therapy to undertand why you feel like you don't deserve love, a good partner and don't find yourself attractive. you do seem very insecure and are overcompensating in other areas. My advice would be try to seek professional help, online therapy is now very easily available with coronavirus (idk how its in the uk though) anyway my very practical advice would be: let him do some chores, for instance write them down, and if you work less you do 4 chores of the list and he does 2, but LET HIM DO something, when you have kids you'll feel overwhelmed and if down the line you decide to work more hours he needs to be as participant as you and know how to run the house. 2. dont do sex stuff that you don't like, i think it's even kind of a turn off to the other partner when they realize you're not enjoying it but just doing it to please them, i for one, hate it when I feel a guy doesnt really enjoy oral but iust does it because he thinks he has to...
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