A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I need some advice... I don't normally come on these asking random people for advice but I'm in a really difficult spot and thought I could hear some people's opinions. My boyfriend of a year and a half just recently cheated on me. It broke me in two... we had a great relationship or so I thought and I was and still am VERY much in love with him. He was "seeing" her (as she claims) for about a month they did nothing more than holding hands and kissing (she verified that too) ... but still... he would go see her and hang out with her and he told her that him and i were having problems and barely spoke (which wasn't true). I found out and broke up with him.... ever since then (it's been about a month ago) he has been severely depressed so much so that his family has called me concerned and they know everything that happened. My boyfriend went to a counselor and has steadily been going, went to his pastor and spoke with him, and has vowed to change but I know most guys must say this when this happens... but I have seen an immense amount of change already. The other girl has even contacted me angrily because he won't speak with her anymore and told her he doesn't want her in his life whatsoever because he loves me. Would you give this person another chance? This all makes me sick to the stomach but he is close to everything to me... or was I guess..When I ask him why he just cries... every time I talk to him he just cries and he tells me has has no idea why it happened that he was empty and wanted someone to hang out with and it just crossed the line and all the while he was thinking he had to get out of it but he was in so deep he didn't know how to get out of it. .. lame excuses? probably. I just need someone's advice maybe someone who went thru it and gave a guy a second chance because I just need to know if forgiveness, change, and second chances are possible... I am so empty right now.. he's been sending me letters in the mail every day (because during the summer we live in separate states but go to school in the same state) and every time i receive one my heart fills with joy but can anyone move past this? Thank you for listening
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broke up, cheated on me, depressed, kissing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 There's always chance he might do that again... but since he seems to be suffering and crying, I think he learned his lesson...
I think he did that as a way to sabotage your relationship because he's afraid to trust u and let go to ur love.
He must beg you back... did he? I bet he wants to but hes afraid. Build some trust, tell him that you wont ever hurt him and wont look for revenge, tell him that you're not angry at him anymore... do not put pressure on him...
It's a test for him, to face his fear and ask you back. I hope he passes it.
I dont know if his counselor is gonna help. He just needs courage to face his fear and take the step.
A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (25 August 2008):
 wow i am so sorry. what a jerk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Sorry babes, I didn't see that one coming... none of it makes any sense, why would he bother if this is how it was gonna end up. Anyway, now you know, you must move on, because this guy is not right for you, everything that he dose hurts to much. In time you will heal, you will forget, and this to will pass and you will be happy and fall in love again. Sorry, I don't know why he likes to play games with people's feelings, but your the lucky one, she's gonna be in for a shock when he hurts her and makes her cry too....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Hmm, I was Ms Anonymous who wrote the earlier post.. Crocodile tears then, eh? Be happy you discovered it early enough, and can move on. Unless of course it's a desperate scam to get your attention. Either way, you're probably best moving on girl! All the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your response! But, I think I had the answer just put in my lap tonight. He ABRUPTLY stopped being this wonderful person who was fighting so hard for me two days ago and I knew something was up... found out (on FACEBOOK) that he has a girlfriend now. Not even the girl he cheated on me with someone new... so now I have to figure out how to mend my broken heart and stay the hell away from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): My ex cheated big time, and I was devestated, but I loved him, and our relationship was having problems at the time. I forgave him straight away, because I could understand why he strayed. I told him it would take me years to forgive and forget, and if he wanted to be with me, he'd have to expect the anger and pain that I would dish out. He did, for four years he was the most perfect boyfriend a girl could have. I got the lot, flowers, tenderness, kind thoughts, presents... everything.
One day, I brought up the affair again, we were in the middle of an arguement. He said, stuff that, you forgave me for that mistake years ago. You know what, he was right, I had forgiven him, and I had forgotten, but he helped by showing me, how much he loved me, and how sorry he was for his mistake.
PS: Ms anonymous is right.. why did he feel empty? What was going wrong in your relationship. To get back together, you need to fix your relationship and make sure it's strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): It sounds like your man is really repenting and is going through a very rough time. I imagine he had not thought of the consequences of his actions at the time, but now is taking concrete and very postitive steps to make amends. I would certainly show him your willingness to not close the door entirely on him, giving him a little more bit by bit. Allow him to get closer but slowly, take your time, see how you both feel. Until you are both ready. If you do it too early, there may be a chance that you don't quite forgive him completely yet, and therefore are likely to convert your anger into a wish to make him suffer too, as if to balance out your pain. Alternatively, you might still need to speak to see how much he actually regrets what he has done. So if you really do love him, and you see genuine regret, we all deserve another chance. Nobody is perfect. Certainly not men. Imagine he had cheated on you and then left you for her, telling you he cared so much more about her. It would cut you up. But here you have a guy that has actually realised how important you are to him, who recognises what a genuine mistake it was, and who seems sincere in wanting to fight to have you back. One point though, which I think you would need to clarify for your own peace of mind, was why he actually did feel 'empty' and needed 'someone to hang out with' despite having you. Maybe she was just there to fill in that temporary 'emptiness' and if you discover what caused it originally, you will be better placed to fill it with your presence and nobody else's.Trust is so important and it takes a long time to earn it back. But with a lot of reassurance from him, and lots of love, you might even be able to build something more solid than you had before. Its so cliched, but he probably didn't realise what he had until you actually left him. So give the guy a chance, from what you say he seems to be full of regret.Good luck and keep us posted!
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A
male
reader, dman83 +, writes (14 August 2008):
Yea, I've been there. I was actually the guy doing the cheating. People can change and if you truy feel he is sorry and won't do it again, then I say give him another chance. Give yourself a little time to get over it though. My girlfriend didnt give enough time to think about it so she cheated back on me and now we're not together. I am a changed person and if I ever get in another relationship, I will never cheat again.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (14 August 2008):
you are in almost the exact situation i was in with my 2 year relationship. YES people change. from my personal experience: he cheated on me, i was heartbroken. it took me months to stop crying, and years to forgive him. we dated 2 years, it has taken me almost 2 years to fully forgive and trust him again, but we love each other and are starting a new relationship together.
forgiveness is possible, trust is regainable. you just need a little time. and once you believe you can reaccept him in your life, you have to promise to leave the past in the past.
if you have any questions, send me a message.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, youngiinchick527  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 even tho im 14. and you in the good mid
20s, i have been told i give decent advice.
so here goes;
my relationship sorta went through that as well
he cheated on me, and i almost couldnt take
how much it hurt, so i know how it feels to
be cut into two, but sense i had this great
liking in the guy i forgave him and so far
our relationship has been great~ with only a
few minor problems, which we fix and end up
giggling/laughing about it a few minutes later.
Its truly up to what your heart tells you
you could give him another chance, but keep a distance
at first, then if you notice the change 100%
go for it all the way, but always expect the unexpected
when dating an ex-cheater, or a cheater that stays on
the DL for a while, so just keep in mind
your mind and heart know best.
Peace&&Love;; youngiinchick527
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