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My boyfriend celebrates Christmas with his ex and family and I am not even invited

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 November 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 November 2018)
A female France age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He is early 50 and I’m 30. He has 2 kids that are early twenties. They live and study abroad and from time to time are back in town.

The problem is that he celebrated Christmas at his exes house with her and his whole family. This is the 3rd Christmas that we are seeing each other (we knew each other before) and I’m not welcome. They broke up 6 years ago (not because of me of course). I feel really left out and have told my partner. We talk about having kids together although he is not 100% sure. He’s met my family and we’ve been on holidays together. It just feels so hurtful that I’m not welcome. I’m not in good contact with my parents and my siblings have relationships so big chance I’ll be alone on Christmas.

The problem is that is parents and other members fly in during the holidays and after he, his parents and kids go on holiday together. I’m not even invited. What should I think of this? Should I be ok with it or stand up for myself. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s happiness but it’s hurting me too.

I asked him what would happen when we would have kids and he said that we would do one day at our house, and he would go to his ex one day. I don’t want that I want a family where everyone is welcome.

What would you do?

View related questions: broke up, christmas, his ex, on holiday

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A female reader, CherryR07 United Kingdom +, writes (11 November 2018):

I agree with WiseOwlE, HoneyPie and Mystiquek. He clearly isn't prioritizing you at a time where he should. I understand, that he has kids, but they're adults. You should all spend that time together. He shouldn't be treating you like a dirty secret. You've been together 2 years. If he can't treat you the way you deserve, then find someone who does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2018):

Are they aware of your relationship? I think his ex and his adult children should have the courtesy to at least invite You and your partner should make sure you are together for family celebrations, it's adults not children involved. If he's not willing to involve you in future plans then you need to think about your own future happiness. You should find someone who makes you the centre of your world not treats you like some dirty secret that is not part of his family.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2018):

What will you get out of this relationship? If you want kids, he’s not going to be at a good age to do it all again. If you don’t want kids, then it shouldn’t be an issue. HOWEVER, you are closer in age to his kids than him and that will show in the family dynamic. If you don’t mind that, that’s okay.

As for the gathering - they are still a family and families spend holidays together if they are civil and get on well. ASK him if you can go too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2018):

My ex husband spends Christmas and birthdays and major holidays and events with my family. We were married for 20 years and he was like family to my siblings and parents. I am a good person and remained amicable with him. We have a child together. I have no issues with him being present, even if he had a partner. I have a bf of 5 years and no feelings for my ex. Sometimes it is just platonic.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 November 2018):

You are in total control of your situation.

How you might ask?

You permitted a man (your committed-boyfriend) to leave you out of his family gathering. You simply accepted it; but you didn't seriously confront him about how you're being treated. When he returns, he knows you'll be waiting. He showed you the utmost in disrespect by showing his approval of his ex's invitation, while heartlessly excluding you. He could have invited you, to make you feel a part of the family.

You insist on being with a man who would do this to you. I can tell you without a doubt; Honeypie wouldn't allow that to be done to her. Mystiquek would not allow anyone to treat her that way, and nor would I.

How much I want to be with someone is based on how much they make me feel loved, wanted, and respected.

So, if you stick by his side after being treated like that; you have no argument or complaint.

Now run this through your mind. Your boyfriend of two years would leave you home alone during the Christmas Holidays.

What would I do?

I would have him pack his things and kick him the hell out of my life! When he returned from his holiday visit with his ex and the family, the locks would be changed. With his stuff in garbage bags outside the door. If I was living in his house; I would be moved-out by the time he returned. If you don't live together, that's even better. You can simply breakup and move on.

I would get-over him quickly; because he has proven his ex is more of a priority in his life than I am. Perhaps he doesn't consider you a long-term fixture, and dispensable at some point. So why include you at his family gatherings. Seems he doesn't want his family to know about you. When a man doesn't introduce to his parents, and include you as his partner at family celebrations.

He's either ashamed of you, or doesn't really consider you his woman. You're the person he has sex with, cooks his meals, cleans his house, and washes his clothes. Like a friend with some really extraordinary benefits. You're 20 years younger, and he doesn't want to have to explain you.

Your age-difference is obvious, and he has kids almost your age.

This matter comes down to a matter of dignity and how badly you think you need a man. If you aren't strong enough to stand-up for yourself; expect to see a lonely holiday season, while they all celebrate together.

If you haven't gone out of your way to rebuild bridges and reconnect with your own family; don't place the responsibility on the family belonging to somebody else to include you. You've been left-out on both counts; when you should have the choice between spending holidays with your family or his.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will find a way to revive your own family connections. It's times like these when we need them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2018):

I would not be ok with this at all. Why stay with a man who doesn't care if you are sitting alone at christmas. Do you live together? If his kids were really young i could maybe understand this but no this isn't right to treat you like this.

He should be creating memories with you not his ex. Don't settle for this.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (7 November 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI wouldn't want to be treated in this manner, OP. It would be nice if they at least asked you and then you could decide whether you would like to join in but to not even be considered when your boyfriend knows that you will more than likely be alone??? I'm afraid he really isn't being very considerate of your feelings or worse yet plain and simple doesn't care.

My husband is Japanese and his entire family is from Japan. His parents are in their late 80's/early 90's and he goes home to see them twice a year. Many times I don't go with him because I have to work or tbh its very expensive for both of us to go but I am ALWAYS made to feel welcome to come with has always been that way. His family is very kind and go out of their way to make me feel welcome. I would be very hurt and disheartened if I was never asked if I would like to come.

As Honeypie says, you have to decide if you can live with this situation and continue to live with it. It would most definitely be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't like it and would not tolerate it. End of story

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should decide if this is OK with you or not.

For me, personally... to be TREATED by my partner/BF as if I were a MERE mistress or dirty secret would be a total dealbreaker. Now I GET that he is civil with his ex (and that is nice) and that he likes to spend time with her and their kids, but what does that make you? And IF you two had a child, what then? He'd probably STILL go to his "old" family and spend important holidays with them.

Does his family even KNOW he is dating you?

It seems to me, OP that you are not as important to him and HE is to you. YOU want to be included and to include them, but HE (and possibly the kids and ex) wants nothing to do with you on holidays.

This would be a no-go, for me. Just no.

You have to decide if this ONCE a year thing is something you can/will live with OR not.

Is he by chance STILL married to this ex?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2018):

I am guessing that was what was agreed when they split up and he feels it is important that he does that for his kids, grown up or not, he has obviously been doing it all their life and since they split which sorry was long before he met you.

I am sorry but I am not sure what you can say or do because he clearly thinks it would be uncomfortable for them and probably you. It is just a day, surely before or after that one day you can have your own special day??

Have you any kind of relationship with his children?

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