A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend about my past sexual relationships. I have slept with more guys than he has girls and have had a few friends with benefits type situations. I wanted to be honest and upfront with him because I really fell for him hard and wanted to be serious with him. We have been living together for a few months and have been together almost 2 yrs. He says he loves me but cant get over my past and that is why he can't move forward and marry me. It just bothers him so much and basically he says he can't marry someone with that kind of past. I love him so much and wanted to share my life with him. Now I am torn on what to do or should I just let him go? I want to be married some day and I can't just settle. I am trying to stick it out and we have talked about counseling. OUr relationship is perfect except for this. Has anyone been tthrough this? Is there hope?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): im going through the same thing at the moment, my boyfriend accused me off sleeping with this other guy when actuali i never did, we were going to get married but then he said he doesnt see me as the wifey material even though he says he loves me and actually conctantly brings up the " u know im nt goinng to be with you in the future" it hurts me quiet alot.. and id say go find some worth you time and effort some who appriciates you alot more and wont let a thing like that to get 2 him
A
male
reader, Idol  +, writes (3 November 2010):
Hi there. It's actually sad that someone would want to live with you for 2 years and only to bring up your past after such a long time. To be honest. He was never serious in the first place with you. If he feels that he is that perfect for you, let him cast the first stone since he is without sin. You deserve better than that and trust me there are a lot of good guys out there who are looking for someone like you and you don't have to put yourself through this. If he can't except you for who you are and the things you've experienced which made you the person you are today then he should find someone else to use.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Here's a thread I started dealing with this issue. There are some good discussions in there and it may help you understand what is going through his head as he struggles to cope.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
There were some outstanding discussions about this, let me see if I can find the links:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
There are others here too. I think you should contact an aunt named "Yos" who has successfully overcome his retrograde (retroactive) jealousy and has done a great deal of research on this topic.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
The key is that he's going to have to want to do the work that will help him overcome the situation. It may not be possible for him, and there's simply not a lot you can do at this point to "fix" it for him. This is something he has to work through, with your help, of course, but he has to have the initiative.
One thing I would recommend, based on my current level of understanding about this, is to stop answering detailed questions or providing details to him about your past encounters. This will not help and will only add to the distress he's feeling.
Good luck as you work through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Retroactive jealousy is one of the most fascinating yet torturing and saddest things. It is different for different people. For some it is very black and white and not so for others.I understand the whole "the past is past, it's what makes you who you are which is what your partner loves" argument but for some that is easier said than done. For some people it is a genuine moral dilemma. Some people just don't believe in casual sex or friends with benefits and to discover that about someone can change how you view them. Which is why I often think saying nothing unless you are asked (in which case you must be honest and allow them to make their decision) is best.In this instance you were honest up front and he should have probably gone off and thought about it properly before moving in with you as to whether he was OK and could cope with it. I think you should let him go, he's not going to get over it.Some people regard sex as an intimate act to be shared with someone you care deeply about (not necessarily in love or married, but not just something to do with anyone because you are drunk or horny or for one night stands). If that is their belief, they are never going to be happy with someone who has acted the opposite.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (21 October 2010):
He's being honest with you.. and that;s him saying that he can't see you as wife or mother material. Now either he is wrong about this, and he will get over your past, or you need to be strong and move on. Otherwise you're always just going to be a second-best not-good-enough-for-marriage-or-children woman. And that is going to destroy any self confidence you have. And love.Relationships are about relating.. and getting through difficult situations. Conflict (such as yours) is NORMAL but how you deal with it is what will make or break it.You're old enough and mature enough to be honest with him, and I'm assuming he is old enough too to deal with emotional issues. If so, you need to tackle this. It won't be easy, but you need to talk it out, and try and work a way of dealing with it. You need to be mindful of whether or not he is getting past this issue, or if he is "stuck" on it. If you get the feeling he does want to work through it, then go for it. But if he can't stand to get past the fact you have a past - end it. There are other guys out there who can look to the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I am sort of going through the same thing. My husband never liked my past and we have been together 6 years, its our biggest issue still. I dont know how it will end up, but im not happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Yes the honesty is appreciated. I was once this innocent guy who could count the number of women he'd been with on one hand. However, since I resented a woman for all her drunk "hookups" and how sex is so casual and just whatever, im plowing fields right now so then I dont have to give a shit about a womans past. This man, I do respect him and see his position as I was once there. He needs to break it off and needs to find someone more like himself in that way. Not to say ur a bad person miss, however you just dont match in that way and down the road that can create trust issues for him and resentment for you both. You can try counseling but unless he's sending death threats to ur ex's like I did to mine, chances are its just healthier for him mentally to break it off and find someone else. Best to you both on this.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (21 October 2010):
First, I think CaringGuy is being way too dismissive of the affliction known as retrograde jealousy. It is a real problem some men face and it is why I advocate keeping one's past to themselves as much as possible.
Secondly, I think the boyfriend may be using her past as an excuse not to get married. I mean, the OP said she told him early on in the relationship yet it is two years later now and they've moved in together. It doesn't sound like her past is really that large of a problem if was willing to go this far while knowing it. It is more likely that the relationship has gone as far as he's willing to go, as he just doesn't see himself marrying her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 October 2010):
This guy isn't worth your time. He has no respect for you, and if he can't get over your past which you were honest about, then there really is no point in you being together. Your relationship is far from perfect. Someone not being able to get over your past is a huge deal, and will continually jeopardize it. He knew your past, but can't accept it because he's basically jealous you've had more than him. There's no real trust, no respect, no true love, no nothing. I don't see any real hope for you being together. If you're after marriage, then this is not the guy. If you're after a truly loving, respectful and trustworthy relationship, this is not the guy. You will come to resent being with him the longer you attempt to stick it out.
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A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I would like to commend you for being honest with your boyfriend. Most people keep a lot to themselves. However i would like to say that somethings are better left unsaid.
Any man would not be happy with such a past but i must also add that someone who is mature in mind will ignore your past and embrace the new you.
True love doesn't look at the wrongs,faults or mistakes made by someone but rather the good things about someone,love is a bout the now and the future but not the yesterday.
You can go for counseling and if this does not work for you,consider moving on with your life.
Am sure you will one day meet a man who will love you regardless of your past.
Mistakes are human and when we admit and learn from our mistakes,we become a new being and that new being should be given a chance to grow.
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