A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This morning my boyfriend borrowed my phone and saw that i had typed in google the name of a girl that he had recently added on a social media site to see who they were. I denied i had done it and didnt know how it was on there which was an obvious lie! Afterwards it was really weird and awkward. He called me a stalker (understandably) im so embarrassed about the whole thing! Ive never done that before. Im usually relatively laid back and he has lots of female friends etc. I dunno what to do? I dropped him off at work and it was awful. Its never felt like this before. Im scared that it will change how he views me or how he views our relationship, weve been together a year and everything is going so well. What should i do to recover from this? Please help. Im so worried this is going to ruin us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Im the op. He used my phone to google a postcode. I attempted to google a postcode of his new place of work to find directions but as i was driving passed the phone to him to complete as he typed it in it brought up the last three things i searched for which included the girls name. Im really embarrassed about the whole thing but your all right i should probably bring it up apologise for lying and just explain what i did. Thanks for all your help. Hopefully we'll be fine. Really hope so!!! Thanks again.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 No, calling you a stalker is not justified, and his over-the-top reaction to your Googling a woman he added on social media is a red flag.
In fact, HE borrowed your phone and looked through it tracking YOUR history on it? That makes him more a stalker than you. I would have not apologized, and I would have told him my Google searches are none of his business.
I would have then confronted him on his reaction and told him that his defensiveness is both out of proportion and suspicious. Then I would have left it.
The silent treatment for a day afterwards would then have me even more considering that his actions are a red flag. He's perfectly fine digging on your phone for information on your behavior while at the same time emotionally punishing you for doing the exact same thing. You didn't hack into his Facebook or phone rifling through texts or emails. You saw a friend added and checked her out, all public things. He is more guilty than you are.
I wouldn't tolerate his crap.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 August 2014):
Dear OP,
You are not a stalker, that's a complete exaggeration.
But, is it possible that there is a problem of trust in this relationship, or why did you google that girl and why did he look at your search history? If a transgression like this is going to ruin your relationship.. is it really that great of a bond between the two of you? Are you really laid back about all his female friends?
If I was you, I would not take all the blame, or accuse him of anything. Just keep calm and ask yourself how did this happen and what were your reasons. If your relationship is a good one and he has nothing to hide (and didn't get angry because he felt trapped), your love will recover from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Stalking involves having an obsession for a person. That is followed by intimidation and harassment to complete the true definition. You only investigated who the girl was.
By the way, don't forget he went through your phone. What was he looking for? He was just "borrowing" the phone. I think he was checking up on you as well! You don't lie to someone's face when you're busted. You're an adult for crying out loud!
As for the girl, you could have just asked!!!
No, you're not a stalker; but you are a nosy, suspicious, and embarrassed girlfriend. He was offended that you don't trust him, but don't blow this all out of proportion.
You'll recover by being honest about your feelings. Explain that you feel he has more female friends than you can feel comfortable with as his girlfriend. Adding attractive young women you don't know will naturally peak your curiosity; and I think he should realize you do have feelings. It is more transparent and considerate for your "committed" partner to let you know who his new friends are. You didn't give him a chance to do that.
Single-available people on Facebook don't always assume your interest is simply a platonic friendship. They presume there must be some romantic-interest, or attraction as well.
So buddy-boy shouldn't be so smug and self-righteous. He's not all that innocent. If he never mentioned his new "female" friend; he left it up to you to investigate who she is. So don't let him completely bury you in guilt.
Don't turn this into an argument, or create friction over this incident. If you are uncomfortable with too many girls showing up as "friends," you have a right to say something about it. Not go sniffing around like a bloodhound behind his back.
There are boundaries being within a committed relationship. If you have a ton of handsome single-male faces appearing as friends on your own wall on Facebook; then don't be a hypocrite. If he takes on a new friend, just ask who she is. If he feels he has to have a cheer-leading squad to "stroke" his ego; then find yourself a man who has less female friends, and knows what monogamy is.
Don't cling to a guy you don't trust. You read DC, so pay attention to what you read, and the advice given in such situations.
You're both mature adults in your 30's, and you shouldn't be behaving like teenage kids over freaking Facebook.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 August 2014):
 Next time don't lie.
If you want to check out the girls he add, then DO so, but don't lie about doing it.
Checking them out doesn't make you a stalker.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (9 August 2014):
 So you are a stalker because you put a girls name into google? Wow. No you aren't :L
He might of seen it as a bit weird, but there is no need to call you a stalker. Unless of course I am a stalker too. I used to look up some of my boyfriends ex girlfriends while I was with them, I did it because I was curious about what they looked like..that honestly was it.
One of my boyfriends went through my search history, without my permission and saw I had been looking at his ex. It went rather well actually, I said I wanted to see what she looked like and that was the end of the matter. I would also regularly look at girls my boyfriend had added on social media, simply to see who they were, and if I needed to be worried or not. (was absolutely fine with him have girly friends, but I didn't want him being friends with a girl who pretty much had her boobies out, because i'd worry about her coming on to him, and as he was a cheat at the time my worries were justified)
However you did do a big "no no", you lied to him about it, which of course would of creeped anyone out because if you denied it, he may of been more concerned as to why you lied about it, and what your purpose was to see who she was.
However I am rather worried by the way he reacted. He did react quite a lot over a minor thing, do you think he might of been more concerned that you might find something on google about her? Keep that in mind.
I think the way you should justify this is by being honest and TELLING him why you googled her. Be honest, being honest is the best thing you can do, like I was when it came to my bfs ex gfs. I can tell you if I had of lied things would of probably gone a lot differently.
Apologize for lying, tell him why you did it and just let him know you are NOT a stalker, just a curious person x
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Be honest with him, tell him why you did it and tell him you don't know why you did it. There's no point in lying and the fact you already lied will make him question how obsessive you are about who he speaks to. You need to back off and don't do it again.
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (9 August 2014):
 Just make it into a joke. Yeah it was a bit over protective, but just say you were curious as to who she was and how you knew her. Be honest and say why you did it. Everyone gets moments of insecurity.
I'm pretty sure if I ever mention a guys name, my boyfriend facebook stalks them, its not out of the ordinary.
If it 'ruins you' then he's not the right guy.
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