A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don’t know what im doing or what to do….any comments welcome here I need it.Ive been going out with my boyfriend since December, and I moved in with him in march (yeah its quick but its just right)Anyways my problem is him drunk!When he’s sober we get along great, we work well together and its fine but when he drinks he becomes a different person and to begin with he’s ok but after having a good bit to drink he like hits a wall and is all of a sudden out his face and a different person.Ofcourse he does the whole im not drunk thing and he is, he cant stand still, he cant walk in a straight line, he slurs his words you know…Im an insecure person, I am a pretty girl but im overweight and I don’t want to be but it is currently medical why I am. When I look at other girls I think why doesn’t he want to be with them blah blah blah….what I don’t like is him checking out other girls but that’s nature right so I deal with it because sober he doesn’t do it much or if he does he’s good at hiding it so im grateful for that. Drunk however he doesn’t make it half obvious. A girl will be walking by and he will stare as she walks his way and then turn his head as she walks by…as you can imagine this hurts. He also flirts like there is no tomorrow with girls and even chats them up, all infront of my face. And to me he does things like ruin my make-up or push me away; he wont stay near me or hold my hand and even look like he’s my boyfriend.Drunk he is a complete a*****e. He even checks out girls and then comments on them like wow she has one of the nicest asses I have ever seen and then one of his friends will be like wtf your gf is right there and he’ll look at me and go she has a nice ass. It hurts a lot!! His friends even think he turns into an ass when he’s drunk and that’s clearly from a friend point of view (he can be argumentative and does things like go to the loo and not put his penis back and walk around so everyone can see it and other things much worse) and im the gf side of what he does to me. His friends have actually asked me how I deal with him and why im still with him after some of the things he does and says. Thing is I love him and im petrified that he leaves me. I do trust he wont cheat on me so you would think I wouldn’t let this stuff bother me but im worried I get a call some night hes out saying yeah your dumped and then he takes another girl home but also what he does hurts me.Last night I came home just before 1 after being out with him and his friends. He was on the merry side and said he was going to this night club with a couple of his friends to keep an eye on them because a couple were drunk. He had already told me that morning he would be going home at 1 and most definitely not going out but obviously after having a drink wanted to…thing is last thing he said before I went back to the flat was promise I wont drink any more and I’ll just look after his one friend so I was like good because he was almost at his wall.He walks in at 3am out of his face and with this girl and guy we know. Guy being someone we work with and the girl being the girl he fancied before he met me and as we were getting to know each other. A flag then raises in my head because everytime he goes out he manages to find this girl and talk to her for ages and then take her back to ours….why???? I asked him because I was mad as he knew I was working at 8 this morning and wanted him to get home quick because simply I was horny. And he walks in out of his mind and with these two people. He said no I don’t still fancy her why you say that but why would he always keep taking her home?Anyways help me!!! I tell him the kind of things he does when he’s drunk and that he hurts me and he says im stupid and that he doesn’t even do half the things and last night his mission was to prove me wrong and also prove he can remain almost 100% sober. He failed at that. What should I do?? I really don’t want to lose him but if this happens a lot either im going to go outta my mind wonderin what he’s doing, who hes with, who he’s staring at and flirting with or witnessing it myself and getting hurt or im gonna make him sick of me when I argue with him over it. I don’t want either.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (24 June 2012):
Im sorry you have ended up with a complete scumbag. I think you are WAY too good for him, it doesnt matter if you are overweight or even why you are overweight but you are still a human being with feelings and dignity who deserves to be treated with respect! as for leaving his penis out, thats just disgusting. if I were in the company of any person who did that I would walk away and refuse to even acknowledge or look like I was with them. he sounds like a total pig, it seems even his friends think so. try please to find the courage to walk away, you wont regret it in the long run I promise. to make it easier you could ask a trusted friend or family member to allow you to move your stuff bit by bit discreetly into their place just to store it there, while you figure out a new place to live. dont even try to stay in the flat/house and throw him out, he could get nasty if he gets drunk. its best you quietly work out a plan to get away from him before you tell him, and by then, you should have your stuff out. good luck, and remember you deserve better. feel free to message me if you are feeling down etc., I have experience of going out with someone very similar.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): Someone who is a different, rather unpleasant, person when drunk should not drink. It is very bad news. From what you say you seem to have self-esteem issues - maybe this is why you are prepared to put up with his behaviour. Honestly, don't get lumbered with a man with a problem. Only misery lies ahead with him I suspect. Get shot.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 June 2012):
 This man is in denial. He cannot handle alcohol and he does not want to admit this is the true situation. Potentially he will only get worse and more abusive.He acts in a disrespectful way. And he uses Alcohol as an EXCUSE to excuse his nasty behavior. Even his friends are embarassed about his actions. His flirting, chatting up of other girls, and oggling of girls, AND in your company is nasty. It is disrespectful towards the girls and it is UTTERLY UNCALLED FOR and an insult to youAnd who is he to put you down and try to ruin your makeup?What is he telling you? That you are OK for things in private. But in public he makes out he is not with you?Or refusing to hold your hand and refusing to allow people to think he is your boyfriend. His actions jumped out from the page as more and more appalling as I read on.He is boorish and disgraceful parading around in his refusal to zip his pants after visiting the bathroom. It is ignorant behaviour that could get him arrested for exposing himself in public.One wonders where one could take such a man and not be embarrassed? A padded cell in a City Lock up might be all I could think of.And you have some medical issues at the moment that affect your weight and he does this?He is doing NOTHING for your self esteem.In fact he seems to be on a collision course to trash any vestiges of self esteem that you might have left.I just cannot see him improving his demeanor. Sorry,but I think he will only get worse.And if you have children with this man he will undermine you as a mother and your children will emulate his example.he may even put you down as he wants to keep you. And keep you keen and eager to please. But at what cost to your self esteem?I know you do not want to break up with, but your health comes first.Then you need to address your self esteem that you even think he is worthy of your timeThen rebuild your own confidence in you as you deal with your medical issues.You really really really do deserve a nicer man than this.Either he addresses his many short comings or maybe you might have to tell him that the party is over and why,RegardsAbellaxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 June 2012):
 He is one class act, especially the bit where he leaves his penis hanging out ..... I can totally 100% understand why you want to cling on to him and not let him go.
The only person who can change his behaviour is him, so your choices are
1: accept him as he is, or
2: decide that he is not the guy for you
You say you love him, and are petrified he is going to dump you, you also say his behaviour hurts you.
Can you continue living with the fear and hurt? Is that what you want from a relationship, fear and hurt? Are you willing to settle for fear and hurt, or will you recognise the fact fear and hurt is not what relationships should be about? I think you need to make some strong firm decisions about what you are prepared to accept from him, and what you are not, and then stick to your decisions. At this point your fear he might dump you is telling him its okay to hurt you.
Personally I wouldn't be hanging around for the next episode, even his friends are questioning your accepting his behaviour, I think it is way past time to tell him to shape up or ship out!
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