A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We are engaged to be married and have been seeing each other for 3 years. His last ex-girlfriend dumped him badly. He was deeply in love with her. When we got together after their break-up which was only two months later, he called me her name all the time and even once during an intimate moment. Initially he had showed me pictures of her and what the did together. All of this has subsided over time. He did not want me to contact any of my ex-boyfriends and I was fine with that because there was no reason to. I told him to do the same. Out of the blue the other day he asked me if he could be "friends" with his ex-girlfriend. I was stunned. I told him I couldn't believe he was even asking me that and I said no, not with someone you have been intimate with. That makes me wonder if he has had contact with her. We each have our own cell phones and he is paying for mine, but I don't have access to the phone records and we also have our own computers and we can't access each other's.He was the one that said he did not want me to have contact with ex-boyfriends yet this girl he wants to be friends with. It doesn't make sense at all.He was pretty whipped by this ex-girlfriend so of course I am leery with all that happened when we first dated being called her name, etc.I don't know what to make of it, but I don't feel it is right of him to even have asked me. It shows he doesn't have respect for our relationship or value it like I thought by asking me if he can be friends with her.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (28 September 2012):
 If I asked for permission to spit on your kitchen floor, would I get credit for at least asking first?
I absolutely agree with you. His request was inappropriate, and bold coming from someone who insisted you have no contact with your exes.
The fact that he's asked first is really not an indicator of sincerity. He may have been up front in making the request but he was most likely not honest about his motives. His ex was NOT a friend. She was a lover with whom he clearly has unfinished business.
That does not mean he is still in love with her. If she had him under her thumb (probably a good thing considering how flippantly he's treated you) he may be harbouring resentment at having been walked all over and wants to set things right. Although wanting to add her as a friend makes me question that.
I'd put the marriage plans on hold. At the very least your fiance seems to think he is entitled to special perks that he would deny you. At worst, he's hoping to establish some kind of relationship with his ex.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 September 2012):
 well, I think asking permission is a good sign he's not already doing this stuff, and a good indicator he IS being respectful of the boundaries you two set together last time you discussed the issue. I know it's easy to say "he could have been a scumbag and he was only half of one" but- I mean, I feel like men, if they get the urge to talk to a girl, a lot of them will do it behind their partner's back. and so he's showing a lot of restraint and that he does value your opinion. It's possible that he thinks it's been so long that there's really nothing there but he misses the friendship they had, not sexual, not romantic, but it's been so long that he wonders if they could have something platonic now.
I think I personally may ask him what prompted him, what he feels like he'd gain from it, and if there are any feelings there whatsoever or whether he think they could redevelop. If I felt I got the answers I was looking for I could probably be okay with it, 3 years is a long time, but you did bear the brunt of their collapse so it's understandable that you'd be leery in this situation. I guess I'm trying to say that establishing a bright line, you slept with her you don't speak to her again is a little excessive in terms of control. I would hear him out and see where he's coming from before assuming it's intended to hurt you or the relationship.
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