A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was on holidays with my boyfriend last week.. We went to Ibiza and went out to the clubs a couple of nights. My boyfriend LOVES to dance and would love to take classes and learn to dance properly.One of the nights, we were both pretty drunk and dancing. There was a girl dancing in front of us. She had some really good moves - like she was a professional dancer. My boyfriend turned around to me and said: can I dance with that girl - she's a really good dancer?I was shocked (he knows I get jealous and insecure) but I said: yeh sure and he seemed really surprised. Now I wouldn't have minded if he'd bounced up and been all friendly like about it, but he kind of sidled and was looking at her with lusty eyes a bit (remember he was pretty wasted - as was I!) We have been together almost two years. I know he loves me and wants to be with me only.. Settle down get married and have a baby next year. He has the type of personality where he doesn't fall in love quickly, but he is very visual and he views sex as a purely physical thing that has nothing to do with love (this is ok with me as I never 'make love' either!!!)My question is: should I be jealous? Worried? Insecure? I mean I know he asked me and I could see or watch everything, but what about if I'm not there sometime?!
View related questions:
drunk, insecure, jealous, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): I am a dancer and when I stumble on a person who actually likes to dance , it's great. Dancing is an amazing feeling (but I am a dancer so i would say that). What makes you think you should not be up there dancing with your man? it's so natural if only people would let go and take the ryhthm.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): OP here ... Thanks for your responses!
Really helpful in making me see that I'm being silly for worrying! Especially you WiseOwlE. You speak like my boyfriend would!! Sometimes I don't understand how he is SOOO secure with himself. When we talked about it the morning after, I said - how would u feel if it was the other way around? And he said: I trust you, so I'd be ok with it!
And I know I know, I have actually ruined many nice moments by being jealous and insecure. BUT I will say that I've grown in leaps and bounds since being in a relationship with him and I am proud of that!! I'm way less insecure than I used to be.
It will come! Anyway, thanks to you all :-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): Why do ladies think because a guy has a girlfriend, he should suddenly become a deaf, dumb, and blind asexual eunuch?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about douches that break their necks checking out other women, or with text messages coming from every sleazy tramp he friends on Facebook. He is always finding some excuse to go trick with his street-walking harlot of an ex-girlfriend. Why even bother having a scumbag like that?
He is still a heterosexual male, he has eyes, and there isn't very much he's going to do with you sitting there seething with jealousy; and looking for every excuse in the world to ruin the evening with your insecurities. If it wasn't dancing, it surely would have been "the way he looked at her!"
I mean, seriously?!! Lighten up!
You were both wasted, on vacation, it was only dancing between two people. Fully-clothed, and with you watching! It was hardly anywhere close to sexual. Even if she was flirty and their bodies touched. It was dancing!!! He asked for your permission first!
I have been on dates and (sure all the aunts and uncles have); or even with my domestic partner, and they have danced with other people. It didn't bother me at all. I've been out clubbing on dates, and have been asked to dance by other people. It wasn't equivalent to being asked to go to a dark corner or a booth to make-out.
He was in an exotic place, having fun, the music was great, and he just wanted to dance with that lady who could teach him a few new moves to take back with him. That was his main objective; and didn't hurt that she was pretty. Which obviously isn't going sit too well with an insecure person with a jealous nature. You have to be more relaxed and secure with yourself. That's not his problem, it's yours.
To put it bluntly, no one has any responsibility to cater or pander to your insecurities. Insecurities are your personal issues to work on. If you can't get them under control, you should not be in a "committed-relationship;" until you can handle having one maturely.
Jealousy and insecurity are self-centered emotions that revolves mainly around one partner within a relationship.
If both are full of insecurities, the relationship is doomed.
An insecure person holds on to another person like property, and they always feel threatened the partner will cheat; or is going to be stolen away. They have "me-me-me" emotions. "I might get hurt, I have been hurt by other people, I have low self-esteem,I have trust issues!" So everything is focused within the relationship around making the one with the insecurities feel better about themselves.
Relationships end quickly for people like that. They don't have a clue, they blame it on the other person; because they should "understand that they are insecure!"
News flash! NO THEY DON'T!!!
We should allow our partners the freedom from feeling they have the burden of walking on eggshells to avoid doing anything to upset you and make you feel insecure. That ruins so many evenings and outings. Then OP's come here and wonder why he never takes them anywhere, why they have less sex, why their relationship is in a rut? INSECURITIES!!! It takes all the love and fun out of everything!
Suppress the jealousy and feelings of insecurity until he is acting inappropriately. Until there is true evidence he is trying to pickup another woman before your very eyes.
If he has cheated in the past, he's too much of a flirt, or is untrustworthy? Why are you torturing yourself by staying with someone like that?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Obviously you haven't seen " Along came Polly " with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston :) ( not that you have missed much ).
Ben Stiller is sort of dating Jennifer Aniston and he sees her dancing salsa , or merengue ?, with a Latin hunk and he is furiously, painfully jealous- they look so involved, so sensual, so passionate together... until he finds out that the Latin salsa dancer is totally gay. It's the dance that's lustful and sensual per se and brings out our sexy energies - particularly in a good dancer.
Plus,... hey it was Ibiza ! , and you were drunk !, and he may love you to bits, but he is in love, not blind, if he is dancing with a hot girl he can still love you to bits and still SEE that she is hot.
So, no, I don't think you should worry. Then again, if one wants to lust about other women and undress them with his eyes , imagining all sorts of weird stuff... he does not need to be dancing . He can do that at the Church 's social evening too, - or at a funeral.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): No, I wouldn't worry, OP.
A dance is a dance and he asked your permission. The lustful eyes is part of the dance. It's not a sign he's lusting after someone else. I mean you look at professional dancers in everything, they all do the eyes, it's part of the passion of the dance and a great dancer also knows how to make the right facial expressions.
Again though, asking permission is key. It means he knows where his loyalties lie and it means he will not engage with women in a way that will hurt you. By asking your permission he was not only respecting your wishes but he was making it so that you could enjoy it too.
OP viewing sex as a purely physical thing is fine as long as he understands that it can only be with you while with you and after 2 years I think you can feel pretty secure in that fact.
Unless you have other things that back up your worries then you shouldn't worry.
My wife loves to flirt when she's out and she often gets male attention too. But she does not allow any physical contact, they're not allowed to close to her but being fun and flirty is just something she enjoys so I have no problem with it. Especially seeing as it puts her in such a nice state of mind and often she comes home, or we go home and she just wants to shred me in bed.
OP at our age the lines rarely get blurred. The fact he sought permission, highlighted what he wanted to do so you could observe while that wasted says a lot of about how much he respects you. The fact you let him because he loves dancing and she was great at it says a lot about how much you respect him too.
If it sets your mind at ease then talk this out with him a bit but understand half of what makes a dancer good is conveying the mood of the dance in the eyes.
You look at the eyes of men performing the Haka, what do you see? Look into the eyes of two people performing the tango you see something else. The easiest way to spot a shit dancer is to look into their eyes, they will be expressionless and dead, or confused, or they will look at the ground. By definition if you are dancing with someone you have to pay them attention, as man who loves to dance with my wife then how you show appreciation for your dance partner is all done through the eyes. Add being wasted and on holiday to that mix and I wouldn't be surprised if his tongue was hanging out and he was drooling or something. That kind of situation is hardly one of subtlety and refinement don't you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 September 2014):
 It was A dance. Unless it was salsa or she/he were grinding on each other I don't see the problem.
You can't watch over him 24/7 and you shouldn't HAVE to monitor him in order for him to "behave".
If you afterwards realized that you don't LIKE him dancing with others, bring it up.
But him NOT dancing with others won't ensure him NOT cheating. Only he can decide to NOT cheat on you.
And I think he thought he was sauve when dancing. Drunk people are not always as subtle as they think.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): He will most likely cheat on you at some point. Mark my words. If you weren't worried about it you wouldn't be asking about it here.
...............................
|
