A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I loved a girl who I was going to get married to very soon. Recently while on a trip with her mother.They met with a car accident on their return. Unfortunately it was a major accident and it led to her death on the spot and her mother faced severe injuries.Its been very difficult ever since. I am unable to accept she is no longer with me. The entire incident was so shocking, I was taken off guard and now I've just lost all hopes.I understand that I have a long life ahead of me and I am expected to move on.How does one get over such a phase?Small things and big things on a daily basis remind me of her. At times when I'm free and unoccupied the memories just gush in.How does one move on? I've had a breakup once but this doesn't feel anything like that.Would her soul be at peace with me moving on ?I'm quite reserved as a person. Looking for some sound advice on how to feel more stronger and focussed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): It is your duty to live a happy full loving life and your girlfriend would want this for you. She would not want your life to stop. This does not mean you don't love her,it means you had love in your life that was special and left your soul with memories to treasure forever.
Maybe she will be your guardian angel in this life....please walk the path of time, that will heal. I walked it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015):
This happened to a friend of mine. His wife died in a car accident not too long after their marriage. To make it worse, she had recently found out she was pregnant. He was devastated as you also are. It's not something he will ever "get over." This is the sort of thing that will get better only with time. In the meantime, it is okay to grieve over her. The other thing that helped my friend was that he did continue to visit with her mother even after he was in new relationships. The mother appreciated it and I think it was a good thing for them to get together every year or so to remember a very special person who was taken too soon!
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 I am so very sorry that you have suffered such a truly tragic loss and so close to when you were to marry your girlfriend.
The pain you feel and the empty void in your life are all part of grief.
At first the shock would have been so huge that you probably did not want to believe it could be true. This is the time when time stood still and everything changed. All your plans and hopes centred so much on the life you would lead with her by your side.
Sometimes it is hard to explain to ourselves the answer to
'But why her, when we were so happy and so in love?' Such questions are impossible to answer.
Though do consider this: she loved you too and she wanted the best for you.
Do not allow anyone to pressure you to grieve at their pace. you are entitled to grieve at your pace and in ways they are appropriate for you.
You life will seem, at first, almost in a haze of grief.
I have on three occasions lost someone very significant and so I chose to have a project that allowed me to achieve something to lessen the burden that the grief and helped me to move on, though not at a very fast pace. And that was fine.
my first project was an insular one where I tackled a piece of embroidery that I could pick up and put down when it suited me.
The second project involved a lot of visits to the pool, the gym and lots of cycling and walking. physical exercise is great for taking one's mind off grieving.
the third project was learning a new language. as it meant I had lots of interacting with people who I did not know when I was practising the words to be understood in the other language with strangers. I sounded stupid at times and people would correct my pronunciation but that was fine as it took my mind beyond grieving.
Even for men it is OK to cry though if you feel more reserved and do not want others to know how you feel it is ok to either not cry or to cry when you are alone.
Some men choose instead to do something physical or make something though they are still grieving deeply inside. We are all entitled to show or not show our grief in a way that is right for ourselves.
Do you have caring family who are able to support you appropriately and respect how much you are grieving? a good counsellor skilled at counselling grieving people can make a huge difference and help you work through the stages of grief
it is OK to remember her and if it helps you then a private journal that you write up, when it suits you, could be a way to express all your emotions on paper.
Thou visiting places you attended together is likely to be too stressful and is best avoided.
It is such early days that try to forgive yourself if you feel angry and irritated and if you find you have little patience. this is a stage of grief and try not to take it out on those close to you. people will surely understand that you are hurting right now.
Your girlfriend left home that day fully expecting to see you again, but that was not to be. It is not what she would have wanted to leave so early. But she had not control over her departure. though sometimes you will think, 'what if' and 'why did this have to happen?' But nothing will bring her back so it is best not to focus on blame. it will not bring her back.
There will be others around you who have girlfriends and there may be others around you who do the wrong thing by their wives and you may feel resentment that you lost your girl friend who you truly loved, while they appear to not respect their partners. but that resentment will not bring her back.
You could not save her and you may want to blame yourself or others. it is not your fault and you know that to be true..
You loved your girlfriend very much and I am sure that she adored you back. you have each other much joy.
Speak to your Doctor now about your feelings and allow the Doctor to monitor how you are coping with some occasional visits to the Doctor or better still to a confidential counsellor to work through your grief and not allow that grief to spiral you down into serious depression.
That Depression is why a project to take your mind off things is a really good strategy.
One day you will wake up and feel less deeply grieving. The may be out. somehow one day you will recognize that the worst of the storm has past and you want to move on.
You have a lot of wonderful memories of your girlfriend. That is why the journal is useful.
I hope that the girl's mother is recovering. She has lost her daughter. Would it be appropriate in your culture for you to visit this lady and express your deepest sympathy at her loss?
You have lost all hope at the moment but over time that hope can return.
Is there something that was important to your much loved girlfriend? is there anything that symbolizes all that she meant to you? In my community people can pay for a small metal sign that is fixed to a chair in a park. the small metal sign shows the name of the person and their date of birth and death. Sometimes grieving relatives come to sit on the chair named after their relative who passed away.
Little thing where you reach out to people can help you heal.
You will move on though you will think of her from time to time.
moving on often means choosing to learn a new skill, setting yourself a difficult physical (though safe)physical challenge.
When you feel a lot stronger you may also like to so some volunteering amongst people who need your support.
Overcoming the worst of the grief is a series of small steps, sometimes 2 steps forward and one step back.
Healing will be much faster if you do try to reach out to others
The memories will flood back sometimes. Yesterday I was admiring my garden and then I though 'oh I wish ... was here to see this' Memories so that to us when we are grieving.
That is why you need some scheduled activies to distract you if it happens and some good counselling.
Break ups occur because there is some incongruence between the two.
Death takes away the one we love WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION. Never if asked would we agree to losing our loved one.
If you believe in God and Heaven and if you have read of people who the Doctors said were dead, yet miraculously the doctors were able to 'bring back'then you will know that such people have experienced a great calm as they have walked towards a light.
The people concerned talked about the experience with love love and peace and acceptance that some would have preferred to keep walking along that tunnel towards the light..
I am certain that as she loved you so much that YES she would want you to move on and accept that her death happened and it was not your fault.
You can look up into the sky and find a star and called it her star and gaze at it when you want to feel less stressed.
Do one thing that is goof for you every day and then you will know that one person who deserved to be treated well has been treated well.
If you have an area where you could plant something that smells wonderful you could plant, for instance, a rose and then think of your girlfriend ever time you smell the scent of that rose.
Try to go outside at least once each day for a walk,
Over time this all pervading sadness and grief will start to lessen
Things will improve. Even though it is hard to imagine that is possible right now
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