New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

What is the difference between Friends With Benefits and a Long Distance/ Casual Relationship?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends with Benefits, Long distance, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2015) 11 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

What is the difference between Friends With Benefits and a Long Distance/ Casual Relationship?

Call me old fashioned here - but from a woman's point of view - I cannot see how she can get anything from FWB without having some sort of feelings for the guy and if she does have feelings wouldn't it be like having a casual lover or LDR?

I know most men can turn sex on and off like tap - but for women you need to have some sort of feelings and emotional attachment - and if you do - how can the partner be classed as a 'friend'?

I was in a casual relationship with two LDR men - we led separate lives and only met up once a fortnight or so to get intimate - but I was madly in love with one and the other was my ex - so both men I had feelings for - but reading some relationship comments - most people today would call that a FWB!!?

So what is the difference? Are you saying all these FWB have no feelings for each other?

View related questions: friend with benefits, long distance, my ex

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2015):

FWB longer than 6 months is when true feelings develop [or sooner] and for me it is no longer FWB.

What benefit, usually fairly good , at times amazing sex, however, that is just it...he probably takes what we texted that day and implement them into his routine with his wife, 25 years plus of marriage, at his home 25 minutes away from me. It's sad, because, there really doesnt seem to be a safe alternative, [ we have been at it for over 1.5 yrs..and i ndont desire another. I have been on the dating websites, been on dates, with noting sexual from the dates, and he is aware of these dates, early in our relationship, he suggested to me that I 'should go out on dates, BC he is married and hasnt been intimate with his wife, for over 2 years...

I guess that's the part in this play where my 'walk on line starts.'..lol and of course i have fallen hard for the man. Its sad , as well, because I know better than to place myself in such a scenerio...in the beginning and before this relationship, i thought FWB,was more than sex, such as monetary help, help mentally, as in a best friend, of which there is none, ours is just sex, yes usually its fairly good, at times excellent, a few times, ummmm.

I believe that men have feelings of beyond sex after they have been a relationship such as this, after a substantial period of time. Please to all that will bash me and call me names for the situation that im in, hold it, i wouldnt do that to you so unless its constructive, dont post it. so bottom line, FWB seems that the woman [usually] is used more, and LDR/casual not as much communication as an FWB, but both are only about sex...and unless you are just happy after a period of time just getting laid, or a 'dine and dash' so to speak, it will end up in heartache, pain, wishing, waiting [so to speak] secrets, and knowing the fact that this will never turn into anything more than a 'dine and dash'.

We are both mature adults , both in our early 50's...and when we are together , as i have mentioned, the teenager in both arises [no pun intended lol], and we are like a pair of perverted horny yorkies , yelping and running around and jumping for joy.

I'd feel better about things if we were to see each other more than 'dining and dashing' at the most 2-3 times a month..

Not interested at this time, with 'extended stay' but definitely more than 2-3 times a month. bottom line, emotions and feelings will arise especially if one is a 'stand up guy' and being with another for a long period of time.

Honestly, i would be with this man forever, in a non clingy, healthy sexy relationship and sex whenever, where ever, relationship, and learning and growing as a 'pair being a partner,,, a partner in crime' from each other.

It will never happen, tho.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom +, writes (26 June 2015):

I don't really think there IS much of a difference between a casual relationship or FWB or NSA sex or a fuck buddy or a shag piece. It's just a new way of phrasing something.

It's strange to think that words or phrases go out of fashion but they do.

In the 40's if you were gay you were happy (not homosexual)

When I was at infant school (early 70's) it was still considered acceptable to call someone a Mongol if they had Down's Syndrome or a spastic if they had cerebral palsy. Nowadays you'd hear a gasp of horror if you used such words.

In the 70's cool people went to the disco but by the time I was old enough to go to such places they were called night-clubs and later still people started going to "raves". What people actually did at these places hadn't changed - just the terminology (and the music got louder and faster).

I remember as a teenager the term "Sharons and Traceys" was applied to girls from a certain part of society. Now people are using the term "chav" to describe pretty much the same people.

It's just fashion and the evolution of language (which, as you can tell, I find fascinating)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think a FWB is about a guy using a woman for sex. I think it's more of a MUTUAL thing.

The BAD thing for the most part about FWB (from a woman's point of view) is IF feelings develop. And judging by the MANY MANY posts here on DC (specially from younger women doing FWB) it is the women who FALL for the FWB dude and wants more then just chat and sex. THEY WANT a relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that I think FWB is a good thing. Honestly I find it ridiculous. IF you can spend time being friends, hanging out AND having sex.. WHY can't you just DATE each other?

From a guys point of view, the answer is.. well with FWB I can STILL get sex ALL the while I'm looking for a woman who is "worthy of the title" GF. So if there is a woman who is willing to SETTLE for just chatting and sex... why not?

From a woman's point of view? Well, I'm single and I like sex - my friend Bob is OK looking and we get along great so why not? Sex is FINE till emotions develop. Then the woman realize she is "selling" herself short, generally women want MORE then chat and sex. (some men do too, but no all - at least with a FWB there are no real commitment, there are NOT serious expectations, no need to behave like he would IF he was a BF and WHEN he tires of the FWB they "alter" the "deal" and go back to being friends... no big loss, right?)

Long distance is different. It's two people who gets to know each other and develop feeling for each other. If they are smart they met up SOONER rather than later and determine if there is any chemistry, if there is... they will date till they can find a way to NO LONGER we long distance. Nothing causal about it.

Casual is akin to ONS (one-night-stands) there is just sex maybe some booty calls but no friendship and not so much hanging out, chatting.. just sex. Again it's mutual attraction, but without much feeling.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015):

Thanks Cindy - you have given me an insight into this!

But you say "who wants to shag some random friend they have no feelings for - TONS of people?!! - Then I really don't see a difference between FWB & an unpaid prostitute!! - At least prostitutes can make a living out of it!

As far as I can see - FWB are just using or allowing themselves to be used by someone who has no real feelings for them and is increasing their chances of getting an STD at the same time!

Not for me thanks!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 June 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Define " attracted ". If you mean physical attraction, yeah, that's the idea, -otherwise they'd look for more attractive ( to them ) partners,after the first time.

If you mean a general vague sense of camaraderie, of familiarity, of feeling at ease with each other... that ( hopefully ! ) develops too, rather naturally, when two people have sex together various times.

If you mean that one would not normally choose to have sex with their worst enemy, no matter how physically attractive, - that is true too, so we can add a general sense of ...benevolence ,maybe it's the word I am looking for.

Other than that, you are operating on a false assumption, continuously disproved by reality , that sex and love, or sex and feelings, MUST necessarily be one and the same, and that people can't differentiate between them and keep them well separated from each other.

They can allright! It comes much easier to males ( I have heard countless guys, including the " nice " ones, saying " oh but that does not count, that was ONLY sex " ) , I think for a simply biological reason, i.e. that during sex women release in their bloodstream 8 times more oxytocin ( the " bonding " endorphine ) than males, so maybe it's nature, beside culture and social mores, to make them more easily attached, and faster to translate a physical need into an emotional one. But women too, at least in certain periods of their life in which they are not too focused on starting / maintaining a relationship, ( in college... fresh out of a break up or divorce ... on vacation as singles....) will practice casual, recreational sex without any special hang ups.

Of course, we hope for all these people that they anyway sort of like their partners-in-crime, otherwise they'd just be stupid - might as well stay home and masturbate, rather than having sex with someone they DISLIKE.

But, the FWB thing may very well ,and very easily, not have anything to do with " feelings " , and a lot to do with lust or loneliness or boredom or wild oats or habit or, fill the blank.

So: who wants to shag some random friend whom they have no feelings for ?... TONS of people ! For them, it's the best of both worlds: a TEMPORARY and comfortable taste of intimacy , which is way more than they would get from random ONS with strangers - without any of the efforts, obligations and committments of a real relationship.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015):

No So Very Confused - I (the OP) am not in any relationship at all whatsoever - but just curious. I'm sure this FWB tag wasn't around 10 or 15 years ago. Not that I am aware of anyway.

I just think - if there is an attraction & you are getting intimate with them - why still call them 'friends'? You obviously are more than friends. With my 'friends' - I have a laugh & a joke with them - but I wouldn't dream of getting intimate with them or them with me either, unless we were wanting to start a relationship.

Congratulations to you & your husband though.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (26 June 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI am sure that there is attraction between them but I can't speak for others. I will say that when I first saw my now husband I said "he's cute i"m putting him on my to-do list"

are you trying to figure out if someone could like you more than they say they do?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (26 June 2015):

Garbo agony auntFWB is a polite language for unpaid prostitution where a guy gets to have unlimited quantity of sex with a woman he absolutely does not care for while the woman offered those services free of charge and, presumably, enjoys the orgasms. The woman in FWB often develops "feelings" after certain quantity of sex and hopes that the unpaid prostitution can turn into an exclusive relationship but regrettably, most men never marry prostitutes, they just use them from sex. So, if a woman wants a relationship she needs to seek that from the get go and not hope to get it after compromising herself.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015):

Yes - I'm the OP - but what I'm asking is - are these FWB attracted to each other? Surely they must be - as who wants to shag just some random friend that they have no feelings for?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Anonymous002 United States +, writes (26 June 2015):

Anonymous002 agony auntFWb is basically where two people agree to have sex casually without braking out of the friendship boundaries. You use each other for pleasure and nothing more, soon after returning to your friendship like nothing happened. Though the woman may get feelings (which happens often) this does not indicate that you have a casual lover. Casual lovers mean there is no friendship, rather just a sexual relationship between yourself and the other person. Meaning there would be no contact, unlike a FWB who you can still hangout with or even talk about other people you're interested in with. So yes, FWB means there are no emotions beyond the friendship boundaries. I hope this helps. &good luck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (26 June 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntTo me there is a big difference between "fuck buddies" and FWB. The key is that FWB are FRIENDS... and you do things together other than just sex.

"Fuck buddies" get together on a regular basis for just sex.. no dinner, no movie, nothing other than sex.

FWB actually manage to talk and be friends.

The problem comes in when ONE of the FWBs thinks, hopes, prays, wants MORE than FWB.. they want a relationship... USUALLY ths is the female part of the couple.

If the FWBs both grow into a relationhips (rare but it does happen) then they end up like me... married to their NSA/FWB who was LDR...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "What is the difference between Friends With Benefits and a Long Distance/ Casual Relationship?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312647999962792!