A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! I'm so confused.I am STUCK in a Dawson/Joey type relationship. This guy and me have been in each other's lives since we were young. We were each other's first loves. We know everything about each other and have so many years of wonderful history together. We were in a relationship for several years, but this eventually evolved back into friends for a number of reasons. Our sexlife was awkward right from the beginning because I had a problem that requires a minor operation (this went undiagnosed for many years so I always thought it was anxiety that was causing the pain).. and he had been very depressed over recent years about his career not falling into place the way he'd hoped. Last year, he became close to another girl, a longtime friend of his.. while I was busy with my career. It was a close friendship that he kept secret from me, but there was no sex. As soon as he realised it was turning into a relationship, or that's where she saw it heading, he told her it could go no further. I found out about it and stopped speaking to him for 3 months.. literally heartbroken.. thinking it was MUCH worse than what actually had happened. Since then, I've realised how many false conclusions a woman can jump to when the man in her life lies. As far back as I can remember, it's always been him and me.. and the thought of someone else coming between us was too painful to bear. Yet, we've never got our act together and moved in.. or made a commitment. We became stuck in this in-between thing we had.. this best friends thing where we both love each other.. and neither wanted to acknowledge that it wasn't heading in any direction and needed some serious work.The lies he told me last year while he was spending time with her broke my heart and has caused significant damage to something I feel I've put so much of my life's energy into. I would be so much further now with my career if I'd moved on from him, but I never wanted to give up on what we had and vice versa. Not many people get the joy of experiencing such a deep emotional connection with someone that knows their entire history and understands them possibly better than they do themself.I am very confused at the moment. I've grieved over the end of what we had.. and in the past month since making peace again, we've been more honest and frank with each other than we have in years. He feels this experience has changed him.. and he's been so much more emotionally expressive and affectionate with me, wanting to hold me close and raising topics of conversation he would've once avoided.. it's like he's back to the person I fell for all those years ago. This experience has shaken us both into realising we still have so much love for each other. Even though he's an incredibly gentle, caring person though.. he has always been afraid of committing. He finds it hard to open up about his feelings and is very private with his life.. and can come across quite selfish (to those people closest to him in his life). To put it bluntly, as much as I am head over heels in love with him.. I think he would have trouble sharing his life with me and I doubt he would ever actually get MARRIED. He would make a great parent, but he's the sort of guy that thinks forward to his future and only talks about his career and what he'll be doing.. and there doesn't seem to be much mention of kids or a family. And I am one of those women who feels like they were built to have the family and the kids.. and be the doting mum. That's who I am. We have this deep deep love for each other.. and the sort of connection where if we were locked in a padded cell for a week, we could still have a ball just in each other's company. We both love the simple things in life and never needed to go out and do exciting things together to enjoy ourselves. We can have just as much fun snuggling up together, laughing and joking. We have so many little jokes and sayings we share just between the two of us.. these past few months without him has been the hardest time of my life.What do you do when you have an overwhelming love for someone, but you have been hurt.. and this person has emotionally distanced themselves for a long time.. and you can't be sure they'd ever make a commitment to marriage and having a family. Do you stay and try and work it out, or do you take yourself off to another city and try and start a new life without them and leave the rest to fate - what's meant to be will be....HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): I AM scared though of taking someone back that has lied to me. It's frightening to think about. I know in comparison to other affair-type situations this is small time, but with what I thought was real.. well I grieved for that.. it was a living nightmare and I remember that it was the lies he told that forced me to jump to all sorts of false conclusions..
Thanks for reading my post :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Awe I enjoyed reading this. You need to tell him exactly how you feel. You say you are sooo close & you want him to be totally honest with you...then be totally honest with him & tell him you want to be with him.
Then, he either needs to get his act together & commit to you, or you need to give him some space and move on, realizing you can never be what you want it to be.
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