A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, Please help me. I am considering divorcing my husband. We have only been married for three months. We lived together for 3.5 years before we got married. We finished college together, moved four times together, and now we are married. He is unbelievably passive aggressive. He has the ability to treat me poorly and then convince himself that it did not happen. If I am upset, he will ignore me. It doesn't matter what kind of emotional state I am in nor does it matter that he is my husband, he refuses to deal with problems if he does not want to. He can truly convince himself they did not happen. He openly admits to this, says he wants to change it but I am not a therapist I cannot help him. Most recently I got all four wisdom teeth removed. Taking care of me was too much pressure and he openly admits to intentionally trying to make me upset to make himself feel better while I am recovering. He says he did not harm me physically so he thought it was okay. This is surely some type of abuse. He recognizes it is wrong, then says tell me what to do to make it right. I do not know what to do. I cannot live my life this way. Other than this, we have a perfect marriage. He is my best friend and rarely treats me poorly but when he does, it is awful and there is no stopping it. He is ever truly sorry because he doesn't recognize he did anything. He pretends it never happened. He is a brilliant man, we are very financially stable He is an engineer, I am a financial adviser. Cupid, I want to save my brand new marriage. It has been like this for years I thought I could deal with it, I can't. Please tell me if I need to leave, because this marriage is hopeless and he'll never change, or what to do to make him change. Is this abuse? Please provide some direction. Thank you!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 June 2015):
 Why did you marry him?
I mean, I get that you love the guy... BUT without him having at least ATTEMPTED to resolve his issues BEFORE marriage how did you expect that marriage will fix anything? He is still the SAME messed up guy as BEFORE you exchanged vows.
But I guess that is a moot point now.
All you CAN do really, is look to the future. This is NOT a healthy marriage. If you DO want to save it, START with a marriage counselor. Maybe your husband NEEDS to hear ir from someone ELSE that he NEEDS help.
It may NOT fix a thing, but at least you TRIED to make it work, to fix issues - my guess is... the issues your husband has, are not "fixable". Is he on the Autism spectrum? Because he seems to have a HUGE lack in empathy. He UNDERSTANDS that it's not OK to do what he does, but HE STILL do it. Something is lacking.
I'm sorry, I could not live like that. I have a husband who has PTSD - he didn't when we met and married - Several deployments, a couple of TBI's (traumatic brain injuries) later he is a totally different man. There are times I think maybe divorce is the thing, but HE has been WILLING to TRY and change his behavior, mostly been successful at it. The fact that HE knows and he TRIES makes me stay. We work well together 85%-90% of the time, but those 10%? those are hard. And sure, it's NOT always ALL him. Sometimes it's me.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2015):
 He needs to get his ass in therapy and learn how to control himself. This is abuse. Only thing that works is that he works on it! If he doesnt know how, then therapy is the way to go. Most effective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): I am so sorry you are hurting in your new marriage. The first year can be a really painful, eye opening time and embarrassing when you have no happiness to share with others about it. I am married on my 4th year to a successful statistician and I am a former financial advisor and before marriage, it seemed a perfect fit and I was signing divorce papers after 6 months due to issues very similar to what you describe. He did not want divorce but didn't fight much for the marriage either. I really encourage you to get a good PHD marriage counselor before you consider giving up....for your own sake at least. If he does not agree to go, go on your own....let them help you with your limits and establishing what's best for you. It's very empowering because passive aggressive partners drain your power. I encountered so much passive aggressiveness initially that I could not imagine the marriage being sustainable. "tell me what to do to make it right" is a phrase I heard over and over until I really understood these men who are so adept at numbers have no clue when it comes to emotions. The therapist told him it was not a script and he needed to fully listen to my heart and he has since...but it's not natural for him. Your husband does not understand his emotions or yours so he is not in control like he is with formulas. It is a mindset and these men are routine. They want emotions to follow rules and be predicable and they fear so much dealing outside that box. Abuse? I would say it's a block to intimacy, which left as is, will deteriorate your marriage. The irony is they don't want women like them but can't handle women with full emotional range. They want to grow but the heavy lifting is left to us. Is it a fair union? I don't know and life is never fair. It's your decision to stay in the marriage of course, and it's mostly workable if he's willing and sounds like he is but feels helpless. I will tell you 4 years in the passive aggressiveness still continues but now he tells me what he's really upset about within 2 days (no banter or really resolving things in the moment) and in the meantime, I have learned to step back and not engage or get emotional during that time or it backfires. I think they mentally run or panic when you have real needs! I find the "nice-nasty" comment by another responder to be fitting. I wonder if your husband has a close relationship with his mother bc mine doesn't. Since counseling, he has worked so hard at our marriage but I often find myself wondering if there is someone else who is really a true partner and I carry no guilt for being true to myself. I find myself happy (because I created my own life) and have methods to communicate with him but is it what I imagined for myself? No. Good news is that men like this can be incredibly stable, loyal, provide a good life, and can be taught to care AND they will be consistent once they learn. Passive aggressiveness isn't completely gone ever but the intervals between when they "get angry" and when they "decide to punish you" (the nasty!) get shorter- fun times! I am mid 40's and you are early 20's. You have many more years ahead of you to find what you want and eliminate what you don't. Go to counseling if you need help in figuring out if you let go with A LOT of love or commit yourself to growing and learning with this personality type.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): "He recognizes it is wrong, then says tell me what to do to make it right. I do not know what to do. I cannot live my life this way. Other than this, we have a perfect marriage."
No, you don't have a perfect marriage. You are financially stable, and have been living in denial since he was your boyfriend. You recognized the problem then, yet you still married him? You thought you could deal with it? Well...surprise, surprise!!! Nothing's changed.
We can't tell you if your marriage can be saved. I can tell you it is my personal-opinion that it never should have happened. I know a few things about the passive-aggressive personality, and it will drive you bonkers. They intentionally get under your skin, and calmly pretend you're the crazy person. They throw you left-handed compliments, fill your joyous moments with slow-poison, and make you feel like a fool for saying anything about it. Worst of all, pretending they're sorry! They love saying "it's all in your mind!"
Passive-aggressive behavior is said to be a difficult type of personality-disorder that is very hard for psychologists and psychiatrists to put a finger on. It's so easy to hide it; unless it is hitched to some other social or psychological disorder. We all have it to some degree, but some people can earn awards for it. Should you remain
married? It all depends on your tolerance level for it. I have none.
Sounds like you're at your wit's end! Divorce after three months of marriage, is really about four years of dealing with it. Passive-aggressive behavior wears you down slowly; until he has worn you to a frazzle. I call it "nice-nasty." I finally kicked a "so-called" friend to the curb; because I just couldn't take it anymore. Always throwing curves and barbs; and laughing it off as a joke. I'm neither oversensitive, nor stupid! He's gone! That's for sure!
The wife of a good friend (actually my deceased-partner's best friend) has border-line personality disorder; and she reeks with passive-aggressiveness. She says toxic things to people with a smile; and constantly accuses my friend of being abusive and cruel. Openly in-front of people. She loves sympathy. She's a horror at a cocktail party. It's awful. She ruins all their vacations, and plays the victim. Her own mother will not allow her to visit. She claims her mother is jealous of her, and ruined her first marriage. Funny, her ex-husband invites her mother to all his parties and holiday gatherings. Not her!
My friend is an attorney, also considering a divorce. This woman has a twenty-six year-old son from her first marriage; who has never worked a day in his life. She talks to him like a five year-old child. I find it hard to be around these people, and I see the pain in my friend's eyes. He loves her! He feels sorry and responsible for her. I've seen a decline in his once brilliant and fun personality over the past five years. My heart sinks when I see him. She doesn't allow him to do anything without her. I don't invite them as a couple to my parties; because I will not tolerate such behavior among my guests. She ever want to face-off with me? No problem! She handles me with kit gloves. I call a spade a spade. I shoot from the hip!
If it is affecting your own mental-health, you may have no choice but to divorce him. What he does may not be something treatable; it may just be the way he is.
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