A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know that there is a lot of dialogue on-line from women involved with Married men. I also know of the heartache most experience when it ends... My question is simple: has anyone been involved with a married man who swears he loves you and then suddenly blames you for the distruction of his marriage? Here's my story: Friends for 20 years. He's married, I'm seperated. Friendship suddenly turns into passion and let me state for the record that he pursued me. I would have never sought out a married man. It happened. Passionate and intense. Because we shared a friendship for so long, the comfort level was already there so it didn't take long for it to deepen. Within three months he was professing his love for me and promising to end his marriage. Did I ever really believe him? In looking back, I don't think so but I know that I wanted to... His wife found out...She found text messages. Of course I was immediately the homewrecker, the instigator and sure enough, he told her everything she wanted and needed to hear in order to keep his comfortably miserable marriage in tact. I understand that when a man is caught, he squirms. He reaches for anything and everything to stay above water. But, he really did just throw it all away... everything. Instantly! No more phone calls, no more text messages, in fact, the ones I have recieved have been nasty: I'm the reason his marriage is in ruin... I am the one causing disharmony. I did the damage... Why would he feel the anger he has towards me? How could he love me one day and then literally hate me the next?? Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone help me see where this behavior is coming from?? I am moving on... It still hurts, but I am not holding on, I just feel like there was never any closure and maybe I need someone to help me make sense of his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior so that I can finally put this in my past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): welcome to the harsh world of adultery. you are not upset or remorseful that you were sleeping with another woman husband, you are only upset that he threw you away so quickly, right? his behaviour is quick & easy to recognise - you meant NOTHING to him, you were just his booty f**k, you were his bit on the side, nothing more, nothing less. plain and simple.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 April 2009):
 You are a facilitator who knew this man and his wife for 20 years?
Then you say he initated it!
Did he pry your legs open with a crowbar and forcibly rape you?
NO
You spread your legs for a married man ALL ON YOUR OWN!!!
And you wonder why things aren't perfect?
You are no better than the husband. You both deserve each other and that poor wife of his deserves to have some type of life that is without either of you two scumbags.
People who are selfish fools like you think of no one else but yourselves. Then cry when it all blows up in your face Have you any remorse for the hurt you helped to cause?
He does these things because HE CAN!!! He has the physical side of his life(YOUR COOTER) and when he got caught by his emotional and safe side(his wife) he makes the excuses to his wife...she takes him back and you get pissed....dont worry though he will be back once he feels his wife has let her guard down, because cheaters never stop...they just look for better ways to cover up the treachery...so this will all start again, and you will bone him for awhile until he gets caught again and the cycle will repeat itself...so you will be right back at square one...you got used as well...and you deserved it for helping wreck a marriage.
You and that guy are worthless pieces of crap!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Perhaps part of his hostility is about making it very clear to you that your affair is OVER. He has chosen to try and salvage his marriage, to be able to do that he needs to show his wife that it is over with you - he's doing that. I agree that the anger is probably displaced onto you - he probably feels like a real a-hole. You need to accept that his marriage may actually be very important to him - that he may in fact love his wife (who you need to believe has made him miserable in order to feel "ok" about being the other woman) - and let him go. You know what you entered into with him was never going to be able to remain as it was - you just wish the outcome was different for you. Keep trying to move on - the fact is none of you will probably ever feel closure on this - it's messy, heartbreaking and painful for all involved -that's what affairs are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): In truth, both of you contributed to "ruining" his marriage, doesn't matter who did the pursuing, you both did the deed... however, since he was the one who actually said vows to that poor woman, he bears a bigger responsibility. If he wanted his marriage to not be ruined, he should've kept his dick in his pants. Whereas, I'm quite sure the state of his marriage was of little concern to you (I'm not being mean, but the fact is, you'd rather they break up and he be with you, than be married to her).
That said, I REALLY wish you would read (and advise) some of the posts from the women on this site who are involved with married men and tell them about your hurt and your situation... while what happened to you is painful, I think it would be worthwhile if you could advise some of the other women who are "with" married men (who swear that their situation is oh so different) of what could happen to them. Perhaps helping others avoid the pain and betrayal that your going through could help you as well in the long run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Ok, I don't know quite why he would turn on you so quickly.. Him telling you he loves you and will leave his wife for you turned out to be a baldfaced lie. Either that, or he does love you, but the man is too weak to do anything about it, and truly break from his wife. I find this hard to believe, because real love gives people strength to do things they otherwise couldn't. The final reason is he could be conflicted, if he has children, about breaking up the home and traumatizing them. Either way, wheather weak or liar, or conflicted, or some of each, you can certainly find better.
As to everyone squirms out of a tight spot. No, some when cornered, fight out of it with strength and determination. Still others allow the hammer to come down on them and accept all responsibility/consequence for their actions, and follow through with their promises. Squirming implies a loss of integrity, there are those that keep their integrity in this world. Your lover just wasn't one of them.
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A
female
reader, togtog  +, writes (23 April 2009):
Hmmm...
I always think that when a person acts angrily, it's because on one level, they are actually angry with themselves.
He sounds like a very muddled up person, looking for happiness in all the wrong places. He had a great friend, and has truly messed that up for himself, hasn't he? And ruined his relationship with his wife into the bargain! No wonder he is so angry!
It sounds as though you are doing all the right things - just moving on and not looking back. You might never really have any closure from him - and messy situations like this one can often leave you feeling... dissatisfied and frustrated at the way they end...
but things do get better over time. Just try to keep yourself busy with other friends and people who really do care about you, and allow yourself that space to move on. and maybe have a think about what that gap in your life is - that empty space where something is missing and not quite right that you tried to fill by having a relationship with him.
It sounds as though you really aren't 100% at peace with yourself? That you have got a restlessness inside? And that is why it hurts so much for him to act as though what he felt for you never actually existed?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd Syferfire- allow me to correct myself. It isn't just a man who squirms when up against a wall, women do as well. However, for you to say that "not all men squirm when they are in a tight spot" is dishonest. NO ONE removes themselves from a tight spot without squirmming their way out...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSyferfire,
I am not questioning or even placing blame. My message is not about who is right and who is wrong... My question was simply to try to understand how his behavior could have changed so completely. I'm not trying to dismiss my actions. I'm trying to understand his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie,
I appreciate your blunt response, and you're right. Naturally I had a level of responsbility here. I am not so naive as to think that I didn't play a part in all of this... I have no problem understanding that aspect. I am remorseful and ashamed. It's a place I will never allow myself to go again. However, I just feel so USED and somewhat ABUSED by the outcome. I don't blame him for staying with his wife. It's truly his decision to make, his life to live. I just can't believe that after all we shared (not just on an intimate level) but the friendship we've shared over the last two decades, that he could treat me with such hostility. It baffels me. I don't know if it is his own self-defense mechanism or who he TRULY is on the inside. I would hate to think or believe rather that I am that bad a judge of character! I feel a fool for believing the things he said, and now I don't trust my own intuition. Not a pleasant place to be...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): You were both complicit.. Its not all his fault.. and its not all your fault.
You don't exactly come out smelling like this perfect rose that you want to..you DID play around with a home by acquiescing to his advances.
He is more to blame though, because he was the pursuer.
Not every man squirms when they are in a tight spot, I find that offensive. Just because this dude was spineless you project that assumption onto all of us? pshaw!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2009):
 Sorry forgot to add, You did help destroy his marriage. You didn't think about his wife either, but 99% of the blame is with him. HE made the marriage vows with his wife, you were single.
You can say NO to sex even if the guy is a wonderful man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2009):
Chalk it up to a learning experience. Never cross the line with a married man. If he is willing to screw around on a wife and family, his morals are shot and his ego over inflated.
He blames you, because it is easier for him then to realize that he is a piece of crap human being. For whatever reason he felt it was ok to cheat. Ok to dangle you around and to lie and deceive his wife. I bet you he didn't think about anyone BUT himself, til he got caught.
All I can say is, I glad the wife kicked him to the curb. Kudos to her!
Now he made his bed, sucks for him to lie in it.
STOP having ANY kind of contact with him -cut him out of your life. What he felt for you surely wasn't love, it was convenient lust.
Next time you meet a horny married man, run.. the other way.
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A
female
reader, CRAZTME39 +, writes (23 April 2009):
 I am so sorry you have to go through this and you'll get no finger pointing from me, I've been there. He is simply blaming you because that way he doesn't have to face what "he" did, after all he came after you!(typical pig)
Sounds like he was looking for some attention and got it but when it's time to man up he ran back to her with his tail between his legs, no doubt telling her that You came after him. I'm guessing he doesn't love you (sorry) and was just in it for a "good time", not caring if he tore your heart out in the process and clearly he doesn't care about your well being. Change your number and stay away from him no matter what, YOUR TOO GOOD FOR HIMand deserve a real man who can give you 100%. Good luck and just chalk this up as a hard lesson along with being lucky your free of him.
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