A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me, I have been married for 6 weeks now and feel that I have made a huge mistake. Its not that I no longer love my husband, as I do more than anything, but the soul destroying problem is that he refuses to have sex with me. We have not consummated our marriage and the way things are going are not likely to ever. We rarely had sex before we married, (we have not done the deed for two years now, we have been together for 4 years), but when my husband proposed to me I really believed that things would change, that he would be different with me. He is my best friend and soulmate and we do get on so well, but maybe our relationship is more like brother and sister. He kisses and cuddles me but things get no further. When I try to initiate things he pushes me away, turns over, puts the tv on or gets up and walks out, (he does the same when I try to talk to him). This is driving me crazy, I am so frustrated and my self esteem is rock bottom, I feel so hurt and unloved and cry myself to sleep most nights. I know I should have sorted this out before we married, but I really did believe that things would change. It hurts more than ever now that we are married as I know things wont change. We are both 33 years old, I long to have a family but this will never happen as things are, and then I am going to be too old. I am so upset and now my husband has said that I have changed and am always moody, but surely this is understandable. I can not talk to anyone, my wedding day was the happiest day of my life, I thought we would now be a "proper couple", but the reality is that the disappointment of my marriage is unbearable. Other men do say that I am attractive and I exercise regularly to maintain my figure.Any help will be so much appreciated,Regards Cathy
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best friend, my figure, self esteem, soulmate, unloved, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): there is a problem but the problem is not you.
are you sure of his sexual preference- meaning you (women ) and not men or both!
very strange that he doesn't want you sexually. i hope i am not being insensitive by telling you this - you are a healthy person, your female hormones will not be able to handle the non sex aspect of your marriage. you will want it, need it, crave it. and sadly your hb would not give it to you. so 2 choices- an affair or you call this shma of a marriage just that and leave. cheating should be out of the equation since you are obviously not looking to tohers for sexual gratification. your marriage will not chnage, you are young andhave normal sexual urges that need to be satisfied. before you go out of your mind i suggest you do something drastic - give your hb an ultimatum, either he delivers (often) or its bye bye to the wife. then move on to a "normal relationship". i believe you deserve it, don't you. i also believe sex/intimacy is the binding force in a marriage/relationship. it is the one most sacred act between partners that should not be taken for grnted.
A
female
reader, Mugzie69  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Soulmate? How so?
The problem as I see it is that he is your best friend--period.
I read 'refuses to have sex with me,' and 'have not consummated our marriage.' Whatever he promised, he has rejected his vows. Sorry to break it to you like this, but you have no marriage.
At this point, I wouldn't sex him as that would sanction the situation as it is. One experience isn't worth that.
The issue isn't that he is unfaithful; the issue is that he has never been faithful.s
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I too am wondering why you put up with a sexless relationship for two years let alone marry the man knowing the way he is and what you need from a relationship.
It doesn't sound too promising that things will change, but the bottom line here is that you are going to have to have that conversation with him and if he walks away from you when you try to talk, then there is something going on with him and I am not sure what it is. Are you sure he can even perform sexually? Is he suffering from ED? He is really too young to be cutting off his sex life, but yet at the age where some men start to have trouble there. It can be a sign of other health problems and if this is the case he should have a check up and a physical.
I would simply make an appointment with a marriage/family counselor and ask him to go with you to get to the bottom of what his issues surrounding sex are. Sometimes men are angry. It could be other problems in the relationship and how the two of you relate to each other, all these things can be helped, but if you do nothing you will get nothing.
It may be that he just doesn't have a sex drive, but there again that could be due to health problems or low testosterone, something needs to change here or you are going to be miserable....haven't you been miserable in the last two years?
I am sure it has nothing to do with your attractiveness either, but could be about your relationship in general, he may be passive agressive, who knows, but get some answers and ask for some help from a professional.
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A
male
reader, yodastud  +, writes (10 July 2009):
If you were happy very infrequent sex, things would be fine - but that's not your case, not what you want. What concerns me more is you say your husband behaves the same way when you try to talk to him and initiate sex - which sounds like he's avoiding both emotional and physical initimacy. Honestly, I'm not sure why you did marry him - but I've been there myself there - loving someone and hoping that truly loving them will change things. Sadly, that it is not the way it works.I can't hazard a guess why he behaves the way he does. You can ask him, but ultimately you cannot control how he feels and what he does. The only thing you can control is your own happiness - and if you are not happy, only you can change it. I amt NOT suggesting at all your responsible for you husband's attitudes and behaviours, what I am saying is that you should focus on the things that you can control yourself.Cathy, you mention that this man is your soulmate - but it begs the question - if he walks away when you try to talk to him, how can this be true? You also say that you want a family - does he want a family?You have a few options: talk to him, couples counselling, therapy just for you, leave him, have an affair to fulfill those needs, keep things as they are (don't recommend that one!).I agree with the other poster that your husband wants the status quo - you hoped things would change when you got married - he probably assumed things would stay the same.A friend sd to me once when I was in a difficult relationship - "you may not have love in the bedroom, but you have love in your life" - I hope that's true for you too. Try to get some support from your closest friends and family - don't let how husband is make you feel unloved or wnwanted.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 July 2009):
 Dear Cathy, you're not to blame here. You have done more than your fair share. It is obvious to me that he has a hidden agenda, and marrying you was part of it.
We all prefer solutions where people have a chance to express their feelings and leave mistakes behind, if they were making any. But I don't think that will work here. He's already refusing to talk, and I am afraid that, if you managed to clamp him to a table and make him talk, he would say that things would improve only to leave them as they are. I think you have to leave the man. Sorry.
You're in your prime. Don't waste your life like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): anul your marriage before it is too late.It seems to me you cannot change anything bacause even the most devoted couples lose interest in sex after long years of marriage. say 20 years. so think how it will be for you then.don't suffer. get out of it asap.He has already done you harm by marrying you when he knew he is that way. I don't think there is a cure.
good luck for your future life.
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A
female
reader, togoodtobetrue  +, writes (10 July 2009):
 Don't feel about thinking you made a mistake. Many couples struggle with that after their "brother-sister" relationship. I'm sure you can get a professional to go and talk to. Maybe he also thought that it will change when you get married? But how longer this relationships get I think how more difficult it can get to having sex. You love him so try to get professional help first before you ever think of divorce etc. If he loves you the way i think he is he would love to see you happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 July 2009):
 Cathy, you need to talk to him. For most couples I know ( married or not) sex is a vital part of it. Sex shouldn't be the MAIN focus, but it should be something both parties want. Specially WITH each other.
Knowing that you two didn't have an intimate relationship the last two year why did you marry him? you thought a ring on your finger would make him want to have sex again?
To me it seems like he married you because he loves you and he is "comfortable" with the Status Quo. That being more like room mates (siblings) then a couple.
Has he been treated for depression or anything else that might cause the lack of libido?
You guys are going to have to talk about this. Telling your husband that you NEED sex from him - with him is not something strange. Otherwise you might as well have married a doorknob.. I hear they can be really friendly too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): M sorry honey but i gotta ask dis-is there someone else in his life? m way younger than you n therefore not sure whether i should ask you bout his sexual preference-but its seemin really dodgey to me! i know of men who get married only to hush d matter of their sexuality.
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