A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 45-year-old female married for 27 years with two grown children and 4 grandchildren. Two years ago my family went through something devastating with our son and it caused me to question whether I loved my husband or not. I started flirtling with other men and got attention. Then one day I went a step further and got involved in an affair with someone I have known for 13-14 years. I have always claimed to be a Christian and tried to do the right thing. I did confess to my husband about the affair and he has forgiven me. The problem is I still am wanting a relationship with the other guy and he wants one with me. I am now morally and convictionally in conflict over leaving my husband because he is trying to do everything right now after years of verbal and emotional abuse. He has come to know Christ and even got baptized...but every time he comes near me I just don't want to have sex with him...but when I am in the company of the other man he makes me smile and everything seems right. It has been almost a year and my biggest problem is I don't want to hurt anyone, my husband, my kids, my grand kids. I know that I can have a good life either way but I can't end it with the other guy. What is wrong with me that I'm not loving my husband and doing what the bible says to do. I know you can't fall out of God's grace once saved, but why do I feel like God will hate me and that I shouldn't take the chance. Why do I feel like I might be missing God's blessing if I stay in my marriage and how is this going to taint my kids and my grandkids view of what relationships are all about after years of preaching the grass isn't greener on the other side. I'm so confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): have you thought of whether this is the ultimate test for you.
a test that you have failed thus far.
too many times we think we are "good" Christians (myself included) BUT its our actions that speak volumes of our character and our morals and our belief system.
Dammit you got a second chance, your hb forgave your affair. why are you PUNISHING HIM AND PERSECUTING HIM further.
if you cannot be faithful, if you cannot be honest and move forward then yes, divorce your hb and ALLOW HIM TO MOVE ON. i THINK HE DESERVES IT, DON'T YOU?
i will not preach about the sanctity of marriage, after all you should know this by now, claiming to be a Christian.
Anon male said it best: "....You are just "another uncommitted screw" for the affair partner......you could have done a lot of things, but you started looking for another man and found one willing to have sex with a married woman. When you did that you pissed all over your husband.........So, stop the helpless angel act, and live up to your part, and if you want to stay married, stop seeing your boyfriend." IN A NUTSHELL
So decide your ex lover or your hb. oyu cannot have both and dont be foolish to think that you can.
As for your kids, grandkids, family and friends, they will know the REAL you soon enough. The question is: Are you ready?
Hard choices, but necessary ones.
A man having sex with a married woman and stealing her family life: speaks voulmes of him. When is it your turn? Do you think he will stop cheating. If you hook up with him, expect that this man will treat you the way you have treated your hb. Right now, your hb has my sympathies. He deserves better, he just doesnt know it yet. Christian or no Christian, your hb deserves better. The fact that he gave his heart to the Lord, makes what you are doing so much worse. So no matter what your hb does and how good he is, you will do what you will do.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Your husband was kind enough to forgive you. You should work things out with him. He deserves that much. It is part of what marriage is about. If I were you, I would either cut off ties with the other man OR get a divorce. You can't have both and that's not fair, honest or ethical. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): You husband can not compete with the affair partner, none of us can. Particularly since you never stopped having the affair, although the sex may have stopped.
Why?
Because we are husbands, and we have a lot more responsibility that affair partners, a lot more is at stake.
You are just "another uncommitted screw" for the affair partner. No stake at all.
Read some books on affairs, put your best foot forward in your marriage if you want to save it (and I might add that you didn't because you cheated...I assume your husband was faithful even if he was like you describe him "verbal and emotional abuse"...and yet your husband was faithful).
You could have left, you could have done a lot of things, but you started looking for another man and found one willing to have sex with a married woman. When you did that you pissed all over your husband.
You describe him as "verbal and emotional" abuser? What you did was the same thing, and you are still doing it.
So, stop the helpless angel act, and live up to your part, and if you want to stay married, stop seeing your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Your husband just started to realize the damage caused to the marriage. He still has to learn how to be the man to make you happy. If you choose the affair you are telling your husband you are not going to give him that chance and forgive him. If you are 100% sure you will never have sex again, or work on the marriage again, then divorce him, tell him sorry it's too late. Teach your children that if a marriage is miserable beyond repair they shouldn't feel guilty that they have to be stuck in it. At least my God doesn't hate. No matter what you choose He will still love you. As long as you are married you work on it, exhaust all avenues (sorry that does not include the affair), then when all things fail, let each other go so you are free to love whomever without guilty feelings. I believe "just don't want to have sex with him" is not enough to justify an affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Hmm, this is a hard one, but not really if you look at it. Sometimes, after years of abuse, you get turned off and turn to the most reliable, most kindest, the one that's closest to you - and usually that's a friend or a family member. Yes, it's okay to be angry and hard on the man you married because of what he's done but look at it this way. It's hard when you shift your feelings for someone else when it should really be the man you married for over 27 years ago. But remember the vows you made 27 years ago...."for better or for worse". What does that mean to you? Are the vows you said over all those years just a sham? Is he threatening you, your life, your kids? What have you done for him when he was going through all of those years of internal turmoil? Has he explained to you why he was the way he was all those years? Why he was so abusive? Sometimes, there are reasons behind them - insecurity? Pain? Anger about the past? Something must have gone wrong. And if he was abusive in the first place, why did you marry this man? What made you fall in love with him in the first place? It's easy to say that perhaps you should just end it in divorce, and that's what a lot of people do, they run to divorce because the other person seems so much more attractive...BUT..and that's a big but, have you given it a try with your husband after he's made the changes that he has made? Have you even given it a chance to have fresh eyes on the man you married, on your suppose to be best friend? The man you married is suppose to be your best friend, your best bud, the man you want to walk into the sunset with...Don't just turn your back on him. It seems like he's making the changes and you have said so...so why are you giving up on him now? Because some other man - a man who also knows that you are married to this man? So when you're husband is down, you're going to kick him and beat him so that you can be with some other guy? I don't want to make you feel guilty about this because it is human nature to go with the one that's much more attractive, much more colorful, much more pleasant...but I think what makes a marriage bond even more stronger, even more attractive is working on it even when it's at it's lowest. To forgive is divine. You said he's working on being a better person, he's even gotten baptized...this doesn't mean it will make him a better person and nonabusive, but you also need to give him a chance to shine and prove his love to you. But in the end, if you feel that this is not the road you want to travel on, then you need to cut it off - divorce the man you married and move on. It's not fair to him that you treat him this way as if there's an ounce of chance that you will remain in the marriage. That's just as abusive to him as well. Remember that.
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A
female
reader, soopergran  +, writes (21 March 2011):
stop feeling guilty you loved had wonderful children and grandchildren and now its stopped working for you you have alot to thank theman you first fell in love with be honest with him before you leave you have a lot to thank him for not an easy choice but one i had to make soopergran
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