A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For the ladies..... You are married for 6 or 7 years. You have one child, 9 years old, which is adopted. Your husband is a good man. Your marriage is best described as living with a roomate or friend because of the lack of intimacy. You meet someone that makes you feel like you have dreamed of them for years. You feel special and appreciated and connected. Heres the question: do you stay married even after counseling because of the child? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): in response to gf123...yes i was.it's been over for a year now. and not to be defensive, no the facts explained are not my "take" on the marriage situation. there her own words when we got together. she was ready to leave him until he found out she was having an affair. thats what pushed him (and her) to counseling. we talk here and there once in a great while still. things she says leads me to believe that things are back to "normal" with their marriage. thus being the basis for my question about the child because that is the only reason she ever gave me for not leaving. she has been unsatisfied in her marriage for some time. we have known each other for 6 years and intially when she expressed interest in me i told her no because she was married and if things ever changed i would be happy to give it a try between us. i thought the time had come and i thought she felt the same. things change.
A
female
reader, gf123  +, writes (19 May 2007):
 Can I just clarify something? Are you the third person here?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2007): this is in reply to the answers i have recieved so far, thank you for the insight irish49 from a females point of view. i agree 100% with whast you had to say. the two gentlmen that replied surprised me with their answers and to respond to them i will say i agree also but i will re-iterate the fact that cousleing has ben tried and she has been trying for years to change things with him. all she sees as far as i know is the fear of hurting her child with divorce because he is a good father figure..again thank you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2007): No, do not stay married-divorce your spouse with as little upset as possible and get on with life. Keep this other person out of this as much as possible. Whatever you do, don't flaunt this new person in your child's face for at least ONE year, after you are divorced. And even then, this new person should be 'eased' slowly into your child's life.
Never, ever stay in an dead, passionless relationship for the sake of the children. You are doing them no favors. If you stay in a loveless marriage just for them, the child will clue into it. And that puts an enormous amount of stress on a kid's shoulders. Staying unhappily married, will have more of a negative effect on a kid, then the actual divorce will. Your child wants their parents to be happy and at 9 years old, they will pick up on your feelings eventually and they will feel responsible for your unhappiness. If they eventually see a parent being loved by another person, the child will feel your happiness which will make them feel that warmth and lovability. The child will feel good about themselves and they will retain a healthy attitude toward loving relationships, in their future. They will be upset initially, when you tell them that Mom and Dad are divorcing. Expect that. But as they mature and grow and explore relationships on their own, they will develop compassion, they will understand why it happened.
I do think you do owe it to your kid, to try your best at your marriage, but if you have come to a point where the marriage is so dead, it's irretrievable....then for goodness sake, leave and find the best, happiest love you can find. Doing this will give your child a inside view at a loving, affectionate, wonderful close relationship between two people, that this kid can look up to and someday, strive to find that same love for themselves. Best wishes to your future and take care.
Hugs, Irish
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 The time you put into building the new relationship should be put to fixing your marriage. Did the vows: for better or worse mean anything to you? All relationships have ups and downs...you can not run because of a bad spell. Even if you went with the new person, do you really think it is going to continue on in the honeymoon phase? -FBK
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 May 2007):
 I don't think you stay in a loveless marriage. One problem that jumps out at me though is this. You seemd to have found someone else while you were still married. That makes me wonder how that happened if you were putting all your effort into the marriage. I'm just wondering out loud, how did this all unfold?
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