A
female
age
30-35,
*ennilove
writes:I'm still hurting over something my boyfriend did a few months back, even though i know it will sound trivial. Here goes: on the lead up to my birthday, he said he really wanted to get me something nice, pretty much bombarded me all week for hints about what i would like (even though he knows i never feel comfortable asking for things), teased me by saying he had thought of something nice, then on the day, he didnt even bother to say happy birthday, or make any real effort to see me; he didnt text, he didnt call. At 10.30 that night, he arrived unnanounced at my house for ten minutes to give me a card from himself and a card/gift from his lovely parents - but no gift from himself. I shrugged it off that night but a week later i tentatively brought up that it was hurtful that he had teased me like that, and not followed through. His generous response was to buy me a box of half price chocolates - and i know they were half price becuase i was with him when he bought them! lol. For the record, he makes a very decent earning! I felt so cheap and invaluable, and sort of still do. Am i overreacting? And how do i move past feeling like this? - i feel so unspecial. I have never let him down when it came to gifts - i still gave him a gift for his graduation a few weeks later, because its not in my nature to be petty and treat him so badly back. Am i just being melodramatic over this?
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Hi honey, hope you're ok. This sounds terrible to me. Its outrageous he feels that this is acceptable. No wonder you're upset.
If he's like this now, what will he be like in 6 or 12 months? If your best friend told you this story what would you think? Get rid of him immediately x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 September 2009):
 I agree with Lola1.
If you told him you want nothing, some men will give you nothing.
My husband is NOT very creative when it comes to buying me presents, unless I TELL him what I want, I get something LAME. Even after 12 years of knowing me.
If he kept hinting and teasing then I think he is a jerk for "only" getting you a card. And I would have given him his box of chocolate back.
Next time don't be afraid of putting a few ideas in hi head. Can happen if you two are out about town and you see something nice, mention that those XXX are present material.
It would be nice if your guy was a little better in the gift department, but maybe he just needs to be taught, maybe he is just cheap.
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A
female
reader, Jennilove +, writes (15 September 2009):
Jennilove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all - to clarify; when he asked me for any ideas - i told him that i never feel comfortable asking for anything (which he has always known) but that i would really have just liked a picnic, or a day with him. He went into work instead - which its his prerogative to do, of course!
I merely thought that my super-smart boyfriend would have had enough brains to realise how odd it was for him to bring me a gift from his parents, but ignore the occassion himself - particularly after teasing me about it. He wrote in the card that he had 'decided on the perfect gift' - it never materialised. I dont resent buying him gifts at all; i love giving people presents and little treats to show i care. I realise everyone feels different though and i appreciate that.
I wouldnt have minded him not getting me anything, if he hadnt made such a big deal prior to the day. Besides, like i said, i realise everyone is different - but i've never been with a guy who didnt get me even a little thing, or make some sort of gesture (no matter how inexpensive)for my birthday before. Money doesnt buy my love - but i still dont appreciate being treated as so unworthy. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): nope. I think your feelings were/are justified. If he had totally forgotten, i might understand, but from the information you gave here, i think he was actually showing that he is cheap and a bit cruel. Just my take on it, and hopefully im wrong...good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): No, I think your feelings were hurt and rightfully so.
He is cheap, that is a character trait in him. Do you want to be with a cheap man??
He is pretty self centered I would say, even manipulative to jerk you around about your birthday and then not even call you on the day....that is inexcusable in my book.
How is your life story going to read?
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (15 September 2009):
 This all depends on what you said while he asked for what you wanted for your birthday. If you SAID you wanted nothing, or not to make a big deal about it, then you should have expected what you got. It sucks, but the myth that if a man loves you he will know what you want or why you are upset is exactly that… a myth.
They don’t read minds. When we are vague, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
If you did CLEARLY let him know a gift would be welcome, then I understand how you feel. As for the plans, it was strange he did not text or call you to wish you a happy birthday, but you have an equal responsibility to ask certain questions like “What do you think we will do to celebrate my birthday?”
I would have thought that continuing to buy him gifts for his special occasions would deepen resentment, but what you choose to do is up to you in that regard.
What I recommend for the future is wait until the next special occasion (Christmas, Birthday, Valentine’s Day) and ask what he plans to do to make up for your birthday? Don’t be accusatory, but be frank. If you laugh it off as “not a big deal,” he’ll think it’s not a big deal.
Since this occurred several months back and you left it for so long, you can’t really bring it up again without an excuse (like another occasion). You’ll have to put in place a plan of action to prevent it happening again in order to feel better about it.
And keep in mind that while we are “too shy” or “uncomfortable” to tell our lovers what our expectations are, we can not blame them for not living up to them. Again, no one is a mind-reader.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (15 September 2009):
 No, that was a pretty jerky thing to do. Even if it's a small thing, he needed to get you something. Particularly after teasing and building you up like that.
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