A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Had been in a five year relationship. We were engaged til mid last year. My brother had been killed in war, shortly before christmas of 09. For kind of the first time in our relationship I wasnt able to tend to her needs as i was going through and still am a hugely traumatic experience. Like i said we had been engaged.I work long and hard hours and come home from work one night to a nearly empty apartment, with a note taped to the microwave. She had left but said its not over but that she needed to figure out some things. It took about 2 weeks for us to get on good footing to talking again. She had several barriers up. In all honesty I had started to drink hard after the death. It was very hard to sleep and very hard to deal with any emootions so i numbed myself. I am going to counseling now which has provided immense support and healing through this.The fiancee and I began to reconcile and move forward again, me more so than her, she always held a grudge for previous actions shorlty after his death. Things had been going very well, then she began to say some hurtful things to me, saying i used his death as a crutch amongst others. She began to hold certain material things over my head and highlighting certain areas i need to change. I openly acknowledged validity in her statements but would ask for support not being demonized. I honestly just needed some reassurance. None of her friends or peers or even mother look at my side during this whole experience. I have had a HUGE thing happen to me and on top of my brothers death my soon to be wife moved out. Talk about loss upon loss.Roughly 1 motnh ago, things turned differently than i had ever seen. She had asked why we hadnt seeked couples counseling, i let her know i couldnt this week as i had to work 12 hr days all week. I enly expressed that i agree that we should do counseling and it will help us clear the air. She then flip flops and says i dont want to. All of her friends and mother had been telling her for months she could do better, that shes the victim here and comments along those lines. Our relationship had been wonderful and at times difficult like any relationship. She is the kind to freely take any advice given. I tend to way it a bit more. A lot of advice she is takin, is from divorcees, single women who are permiscuos and so on, so none from what i would consider healthy relationships. I have been sober for a cpl months now and am routinely working out and trying to remain healthy. 3 weeks ago, she tells me she needs space and a break. She wouldnt talk with me about waht this meant for her. I would ask, so does this mean you want to see other people etc. Initially she said no, then about a week later on my way to work she said yes she does. She hihghlighted that she wanted things to be easier. She is now going to the bar fairly routinely and dating. There has not been any communication between us for about a week and a half now. She hold onto a lot of resentment towards me right now and apparently enojys the freely given attention she is recieving. She has come at me saying, i f***ed this up, its all my fault, that shes a catch and any man would want her, all incredibly hurtful things. She had said a couple days before febraury began that she didnt want to talk/ see me til march 1st. I looked at that as rediculous. I tried but could not not reach out to her. I do believe i hurt our chances to reconcile as to now there is no communication. She is really angry and victimizing herself and demonnizing me right now. I love her so much and asked her to marry me for a reason, and she did say yes. Her roommate has been texting me saying things like this is life people break up, i want her to see other people, and a bunch of other things that really make her come across like the view on our relationship is one of being insignificant. I am unsure on what i should be doing right now, I am trying to focus on myself and get my stuff in order. Im trying to switch jobs right now to get more normal hours which will be more condusive to a healthier relationship. Have been staying sober, which has been difficult these past cpl weeks, im trying to quit smoking. But this is the love of my life, i am hurt so much at the fact that there is no effort on repairiing or reconciling or even communication to help this situation. In all honesty it brings back a lot of pain at the fact that i can no longer reconcile anything with my brother, and that my ex fiancee is still alive and just a cpl miles down the road and we both have the power to change our current situation. Im at a loss right now, im really unsure on what to do. Again I love her immensely but strongly feel she does not want to deal with the fixable issues and like she said she wants something easy right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, if you have any other questions regarding circumstances let me know.
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