A
male
age
41-50,
*hris77
writes:Apologies as this is a bit long but I thought readers would need some good detail.My relationship with my Ex (call her M) had been a year and a half. Being long distance with her main home in Australia we had met up in England and she spent most of her time here after splitting with her Ex-husband, so we spent most of our time together up until the point she decided to go back at the end of 2007 to Aus to set up a new apartment, also because her son was out there with the Ex so she had to go back.She is English but holds a passport for both countries, M was so deeply into me and infatuated. After most of the year together she was pushing me to go to Aus to live with her, I questioned her so many times on how much she wanted me in Aus and never anything negative. This meant that I'd have to sell my house in England to get rid of loans as I couldn't afford to keep the house and move to Aus. So I said I wouldn't come out there until the house sold, I wanted a change and wanted to be there and she wanted me to be there with her.M flew back end of 2007 and I flew out soon after for a short holiday to check things out (so we spent about 6 weeks apart), I'd sorted out a temporary working visa to initially get out there and was going to be moving in with her then apply for a spouse visa. Just as I was leaving to come back to the UK, she called it off saying that she needed her own space and time as she had never had that before.My house was still on the market, I had to sell it in the end to clear up finances regardless. I was all geared up for moving out to Aus and she landed that low blow right before I got on the plane back to England. I had put so much energy and effort into it that the whole situation hurt me big time.And yes I did question the rebound thing with her at the start and was very cautious for a while holding back and taking things rationally. I think because she planted herself right into my soul I got sucked in.The thing is is that we’ve stayed in regular contact after splitting, when she came back to see me over Christmas and the new year (I still saw her sister and mum during the festive season) she told me she loved me but also had a casual relationship with this other guy back in Aus that she’d seen a handful of times. Said she wasn’t committing to anyone but at the same time she can’t stand the thought of me being with another woman as I’m dating right now. It’s like she wants me but doesn’t want commitment at the same time.M came back over to see me again in March as she’s completely drawn to the sexual chemistry and rapport we share, she still wants to stay in contact but won’t commit (because she’s not ready yet after a long rocky relationship with her Ex husband). The only way I can get to Aus permanently is to qualify in my profession. She said after a couple of years allowing her to breathe and spread her wings she’d consider giving things a go if neither of us was seeing anyone else at the time.I know she has and issue with age as I’m 31 and she’s almost 13 years older, she also has a lot of wealth that most of us would have trouble earning in a lifetime, which is something she’s protecting (understandable). And regardless of that she said she wouldn’t let anyone else get to close either. But I know in her heart she’s drawn to me and can’t control that, now as we’re 10,000 miles apart the distance has allowed her to create space.I do love her to pieces and would like to give things another go further down the road when she’s more settled in her mind. Do you think I’m completely irrational if I even continue to follow this up?
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male
reader, Chris77 +, writes (13 April 2008):
Chris77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your sound advice Tisha.
I am looking for someone else in the meantime as we are now in two seperate countries and there's nothing I can do right now, but I do need to see who else is out there for me.
The thing is is that I'm willing to work through problems and issues with her and if that means I have to back off for some time then that's ok, but I'm not ruling out that another woman can't enter my life (with less or no baggage).
She says that with anyone else shes been with it's just sex and we make love (M frequently says that it's also the best sex she's ever had), I know what that's like as I've never had this level of closeness with anyone else before. M tells me that she still gets that gooey feeling with me.
She has said that she isn't ready for commitment yet, a different story from last summer. M also mentioned that even though she may date other guys in Aus she wouldn't let them in to close.
I'm over in Aus in a couple of months for a while, I get on with her son and everything.
I will cover my heart.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Sometimes questions here make me want to shout, 'Cover your heart, Indy, cover your heart!' (Remember the scene from the Indiana Jones movie?) This is one of them for me.
M may indeed be on the rebound, still recovering from her past relationship, and unsure of what she wants at the moment, other than to have you waiting in the wings when she finally has the pieces of her life put together. But being on the rebound hasn't kept her out of the dating pool, has it?
The question for you is why would you put your life on hold, or change it entirely, waiting for the whim of such a flimsy foundation? She is not exclusive to you, though apparently she expects you to be to her. You've handed over control of your life to a woman who is uncertain about hers. Take the control back, please, don't let someone else make these decisions for you.
She has told you that she's not ready for a commitment now, and holding out hope that she might be ready in a couple of years, provided she doesn't find someone else in the meantime, will not change this. At least she's been honest about this, though heaven knows her timing was lousy.
I know that the rapport and the chemistry you seem to share is very compelling to you, but those two things do not by themselves constitute a lasting relationship. You need commitment and the willingness to work through problems too.
You can continue to stay in contact with her, but do not make any long-term plans surrounding her, because she obviously is not giving you the same consideration.
Please, cover your heart.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): This woman has told you clearly she doesn't want commitment and is seeing someone else as well. And you are seeing someone else, so it sounds also as if you are not ready to commit either. So why sell your house and everything, for something so flimsy?
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