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Lesbian - with homophobic parents and friends

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 January 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

It has been over the last year or so that I have really began to think about my sexuality, as well as various other thnigs as well (including religion etc.) as I am at the age when that thinking is to be done. A year back from now, I believed I was straight. In the back of my mind - subconsciously - I knew I fancied one of my girlfriends. I knew the feelings of fancying someone, but I didn't piece it together that I fancied my best friend.

Slowly, About a year to 6 months ago I began to realise that I did fancy some girls, and I began to understand that I looked at girls. It may sound silly, but before I was so ignorant, it was liek I had forgotton that you could like people of the same gender. I didn't even think about it, just supressed it almost subconsciously. But then it dawned on me, and I began to realise that maybe I wasn't as straight as I had presumed. It seems strange to me now that the thought of me not being straight had never crossed my life before, but I guessed it was because I hadn't matured enough.

But anyway, I began to realise that I was probably bisexual. I hadn't told anyone of my thoughts as I am a very closed up person. My closest friend knows next to nothing about me.

But from six months ago to now I realised more. I've had several boyfriends, and I've slowly realised that boys aren't for me, at all. There's no chemistry between us. It wasn't like what I've been feeling for girls, anyway.

And so I began to think I was lesbian. I still think that now, and am attracted to girls. It's something I'm fine with - i've never had a problem with lesbians or anything, I'm one of those people that accepts anyone in any shape or form, no matter what.

My parents however, are vary against gays. I'm constantly surrounded by my dad insulting gay people, using it as an insult to my brother as a synonym for "weak" or "dick".

No one knows of me being a lesbian.

I don't know how I could tell my parents. It just seems like an impossibility until I have moved out and gone to university or whatever. Until I'm away from them and in my own life.

It's the same with my friends. I don't know how I would tell them either. There are a few lesbians in the school, like one or two, and my friends always laugh at them and say stuff like "They're so disgusting. It's so wrong, how the hell can they kiss other girls". I just ahve to nod and agree, because I can't do anything else. No one in my year is a lesbian, so it's not like I could get other friends either.

I have told one friend, a complete outsider who is bi. It's not much of a step forward, because he's totally outside of it all.

I do want to be open about it, but I just don't know how.

Help?

View related questions: best friend, lesbian, moved out, university

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A female reader, Angel0109 United States +, writes (27 January 2009):

Sweetie, coming out is full of emotion. At your age thats what it is ALL about is running on emotion. Your friends most likely whether you think it or not will accept you sooner or later, if not at all, then thats their lose. Your family will take it hard. Trust me my father is a preacher. That was the hardest person ever to tell, but after a few hard years of being not as close as we used to be, i realized that no matter what I am part of him and whatever makes me happy, he will try to be happy or deal with. Please talk to people. That helps ALOT. Small steps make the journey long, but with our lifestyle we have already traveled a long journey, but with help, we all make it.

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A female reader, Gummi United States +, writes (24 January 2009):

I understand where you are coming from... I thought i was straight for the longest time untill about 2 years ago. After about 5 boyfriends in 2 years with no real chemistry I desided to give up on guy completely. Most of my friends know about me being a lesbian and they still love me for who I am... Don't let people around you stop you from being who you really are...

My parents have no clue that I'm a lesbian and I plan to keep it that way till after college.. See my parents are hard core Christians and if they find out lots of stuff won't happen like college... So if you think this will happen to you keep it from your parents but you should probally tell friends you can trust....

DON'T LET PEOPLE STOP YOU FROM BEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE! BE YOURSELF!

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (21 January 2009):

Boonridge McPhalify agony auntwait until you are at uni before you tell your parents but tell your friends soon, if they dont accept you it might be for only a week and not only that it might have more to do with keeping it hidden than what it was. are the "out lesbians" at your school ugly cos that may be why the others find it disgusting. the though of anyone unattractive copping off is not nice full stop.

good luck and feel ready before you move in any situation

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009):

I beg to differ, majority of people who come out usually do at your age. At this age and time, most people have accepted homosexuality.

If your friends don't want to accept it then honestly they probably weren't your friends to begin with.

As far as your family goes, no matter how bitter they are about your orientation, they are still your family. It might take them sometime to get over your orientation, but they will within time, your family will still love you, and care about you, no matter how bitter they may be about this whole ordeal. They are your parents, your family, after all.

But, once you move out and go to a university, you will be around a lot more open minded people.

Majority of our society has accepted homosexuality.

You can always wait to tell them right before you move out, but you should tell them personally. It will make things a lot worse if they find out from some else.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (20 January 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntHello, my dear.

I kind of agree with EmilyAnswers. Now, I'm as accepting as they come, I come from a family chock full of extremely liberal ministers and have gotten to know and love many LBGT folks over the years. I'd like you to know that your sexuality is completely cool with most of the world and that you WILL be accepted. Maybe you are surrounded by ignorant people, but that doesn't meant that you won't be welcomed in to most communities with open arms, hearts and the knowledge that straight, gay, bi, we're all normal, human, on earth together.

Okay, I digress from the question. I think that it might be easier for you to accept your sexuality for yourself and keep it to yourself until later. Like Emily said, when you get to university, you can introduce yourself as you like, find supportive friends and groups who can be there for you if you do get a negative reaction from your family. You are so young, you don't need the weight of ignorance and negativity on your shoulders. I would perhaps try to educate your friends to not be so close minded, but in that kind of community?? I would avoid the pain and wait for a little while more.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009):

I don't think you really know what you are yet. If dating boys your own age perhaps they are just not mature enough for you?

At worst I was homophobic and at best I was just another sheep but later in life I came to realise that one of my own sons was gay. Talk about karma but I am fine with it and if I wasn't then it would be hard luck on me wouldn't it?

You are still a bit young to "come out of the closet" yet but if you are genuinely gay then in time things will sort themselves out.

Just because you don't know of any gay or lesbians in your class doesn't mean there aren't any. Not all gays are raving mincers or lesbians butch dykes you know.

Good luck but take your time before committing one way or the other.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (20 January 2009):

Hun, I'm not sure if this is what you want to hear, but I don't think you should tell people.

I know you are thrilled to have found something so big about yourself and it must be great to feel like you know what is going on. I also know you must by dying to tell people....

BUT, I really think you'd end up miserable because of the reactions of other people. Look at how people are treated at your school when they are "out." Do you really want that? What good would come out of it?

If your friends take the mickey out of lesbians then point out it's 2009 and they need to grow up. You can try to change their attitudes, but be careful and as you say, you'll soon be at uni where it's a LOT easier to be open, basically because you'll be surrounded by a lot more intelligent people.

Check out the LGBT when you get there. They have the best nights out.

Good Luck!! xx

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